The problem I have with making plans is that they almost never go accordingly. This has happened enough in my life to bring us to my most current state (albeit a new leaf IS turning) where I sit around making no plans, so as to not get disappointed. This, of course, is futile and has left me feeling either rather bored, ashamed at my weakness to not "try and try, again," and frustrated with my now inability, it seems, to formulate even the simplest of plans. It is as if when my heart had finally had enough of failed relationships and occupational disasters (some my own good fault for deterring from a plan and others all naturale) that my brain decided to flip the off switch. "No reason to go around wasting precious energy on plan forming since she never uses them anyway. And so I'm left with the ever increasing desire to have plans, to say, "Why, yes, I think that would fit nicely into my five year plan," or even, "Well, no, this wasn't part of the plan, but what a blessing!" I guess one reason that I am hindering my own plan making is because I keep getting stuck on the "how." How would I come up with the money for opening that business? How will I ever complete a novel when I inevitably get stuck on the 12th page of every story that I write? How will I ever have a career when the economy is failing and I seem to be its prime target? I'm sure there are solutions though, it is just a matter of figuring them out. I need to make plans, obviously. I need to have faith and to not get discouraged. I need to develop perseverance and confidence. I need to stop comparing my life to the lives of others and to anyone else's expectations of me (imagined by me or otherwise).
I'm twenty-four. My plan for my life? Get a job, raise a family, have a life. It seems so easy, so where do I get conflicted? In the details? Married to whom? Living where? Doing what? It's silly really, but I feel so programmed to think, "What will come next?" If I am not being proactive, my life is going to pass me by and then what?
I guess in those moments I need to sit back and realize that these slow moments are my life. My life is full of my nieces' birthday party, Easter celebration coming up, sacrificing alcohol for Lent, trying to get into running, walking my dog, switching her diet to raw food, making sure my sister is happy, getting to spend time with and realize I'm being an influence on her life (this time in a Godly way). I spend my time enjoying the scenery around my Mom's house, I drink coffee (even though I am trying to quit-cut back!), I'm trying to make amends with a past that feels so painful at times I can't even believe it's mine! I love going to the library...I'm cementing traditions and spending time with the people who will always be a part of me, no matter where life takes them or I. It is in the little things that my life delights, so why do I let what I don't have yet stress me out? "Be a good steward of what you have." "Be patient, what upon the Lord." All of these thing that I have heard, I understand. I am coming up against the most recent challenge of Grace though. It seems that what you do is not by what you are judged. Believing that God saved us through Christ because he loved us, is enough, sufficient to cover our sins, to make relationship with God, I'm beginning to understand that. However, where does that put me as far as what to do? I was able to get through the past couple of months by participating at church, going to church, reading and praying and trying to be in service for my family (at what felt like all times!). I'm not perfect though and I realize that. I still had my anger outbursts on my younger sister, usually not her fault, but I felt constricted and annoyed. Anyways, the point is if I don't have to do these things for God, would I still? What would I do because of my love for God, or have I been doing these things all along for that exact reason? I love God and I know he is teaching me to be a more mature person and Christian and so most of the time what I did was through the belief that I was learning a lesson or principle that would be useful for a situation I will face later on in life. I think going to church is a little like a sacrifice for me though, it is consecrating my time to Him because otherwise I would probably just spend it on myself some other way. It is also a way for me to learn more about God, to get closer to His presence and then carry away a little peace for the rest of the day. I don't particularly care for the fellowship though and I KNOW THAT SOUNDS AWFUL! I just don't. I hate getting dressed up because it feels so contradictory, don't be vain, yet look nice and holy. I feel...pretentious. That isn't the way I look when I am at home worshipping.. I am usually in my sleepy clothes, with no make-up, etc. Wow, I'm so off topic here. I want to do things because I love God, so that I can spread His word. I want to Learn to know Him. I'm actually excited about that possibility...It sheds new light on my Bible readings and moments of Meditation. To ask, "What is it God that you would have me to learn here?" Instead of, "Oh great, I've blown it again. I'm never going to get it. I suck!" Or any other variation of that really. So thank you God for YOUR patience with me and forgiveness and healing. Please let me seek you with my whole heart so that I might gain understanding and wisdom. Also, please let me love, with agape love, all people that you place in my life. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment