The morning...

and I. It's a love-hate sort of thing.

I love the morning because there is nothing that beats the beauty of the sunrise or the sunset. The sight(s) literally take my breath away.
I love the morning because in the stillness, I can gather my thoughts.
I love the mornings because they are so full, so pregnant with hope and expectation of the day.
I love the mornings because I get to start a new day.
I love the mornings because I am a fan of a coffee cup in my hand.
I love the mornings because I have the chance to do all the things that I didn't do yesterday,
because I can sit and think of all that I ever would like to get done.
I like the mornings, I just don't always get up early enough to enjoy them.

What can describe the mixed emotions within me?
I can at once acknowledge the beauty outside and then feel curious about what I'm feeling inside.
I want to go out and explore God's natural beauty, yet a part of me longs to invent my own, to explore the vastness I so often hide.
I can hardly sit still at this seat any more, as I look out the window wondering where all I could go?
The endless supply of birds in my yard, the sound of their singing, aren't I blessed to be listening?
God's beauty and grace surrounds me daily,
I'll pray that I see it, enjoy it and share it.
That I don't let the hours creep up and frighten me down,
because those shadows of fear, they don't belong here.
Being a woman of courage means I'll always come boldly,
addressing the issues and relying on God.
Seeking His word and then claiming...
Claiming what? Is that the same as thinking,
"Devil you're stupid and there's no way your succeeding.
Feel free to back down because I've grown from my Father's redeeming!"
I yelled in his face, I said I'll keep dreaming,
until one day that girl who was running and embracing this freedom
is no longer a dream, but the way I'll be being
-from now until then-
when He comes, for my eternal safe-keeping.

*God please keep me ever in your arms, please help me be an aide to your kingdom and to grow in you love that I might be able to express the same kind in order to make the most of every encounter I have. Amen.

The frustration of making plans. Or of plans, full stop.

The problem I have with making plans is that they almost never go accordingly. This has happened enough in my life to bring us to my most current state (albeit a new leaf IS turning) where I sit around making no plans, so as to not get disappointed. This, of course, is futile and has left me feeling either rather bored, ashamed at my weakness to not "try and try, again," and frustrated with my now inability, it seems, to formulate even the simplest of plans. It is as if when my heart had finally had enough of failed relationships and occupational disasters (some my own good fault for deterring from a plan and others all naturale) that my brain decided to flip the off switch. "No reason to go around wasting precious energy on plan forming since she never uses them anyway. And so I'm left with the ever increasing desire to have plans, to say, "Why, yes, I think that would fit nicely into my five year plan," or even, "Well, no, this wasn't part of the plan, but what a blessing!" I guess one reason that I am hindering my own plan making is because I keep getting stuck on the "how." How would I come up with the money for opening that business? How will I ever complete a novel when I inevitably get stuck on the 12th page of every story that I write? How will I ever have a career when the economy is failing and I seem to be its prime target? I'm sure there are solutions though, it is just a matter of figuring them out. I need to make plans, obviously. I need to have faith and to not get discouraged. I need to develop perseverance and confidence. I need to stop comparing my life to the lives of others and to anyone else's expectations of me (imagined by me or otherwise).
I'm twenty-four. My plan for my life? Get a job, raise a family, have a life. It seems so easy, so where do I get conflicted? In the details? Married to whom? Living where? Doing what? It's silly really, but I feel so programmed to think, "What will come next?" If I am not being proactive, my life is going to pass me by and then what?
I guess in those moments I need to sit back and realize that these slow moments are my life. My life is full of my nieces' birthday party, Easter celebration coming up, sacrificing alcohol for Lent, trying to get into running, walking my dog, switching her diet to raw food, making sure my sister is happy, getting to spend time with and realize I'm being an influence on her life (this time in a Godly way). I spend my time enjoying the scenery around my Mom's house, I drink coffee (even though I am trying to quit-cut back!), I'm trying to make amends with a past that feels so painful at times I can't even believe it's mine! I love going to the library...I'm cementing traditions and spending time with the people who will always be a part of me, no matter where life takes them or I. It is in the little things that my life delights, so why do I let what I don't have yet stress me out? "Be a good steward of what you have." "Be patient, what upon the Lord." All of these thing that I have heard, I understand. I am coming up against the most recent challenge of Grace though. It seems that what you do is not by what you are judged. Believing that God saved us through Christ because he loved us, is enough, sufficient to cover our sins, to make relationship with God, I'm beginning to understand that. However, where does that put me as far as what to do? I was able to get through the past couple of months by participating at church, going to church, reading and praying and trying to be in service for my family (at what felt like all times!). I'm not perfect though and I realize that. I still had my anger outbursts on my younger sister, usually not her fault, but I felt constricted and annoyed. Anyways, the point is if I don't have to do these things for God, would I still? What would I do because of my love for God, or have I been doing these things all along for that exact reason? I love God and I know he is teaching me to be a more mature person and Christian and so most of the time what I did was through the belief that I was learning a lesson or principle that would be useful for a situation I will face later on in life. I think going to church is a little like a sacrifice for me though, it is consecrating my time to Him because otherwise I would probably just spend it on myself some other way. It is also a way for me to learn more about God, to get closer to His presence and then carry away a little peace for the rest of the day. I don't particularly care for the fellowship though and I KNOW THAT SOUNDS AWFUL! I just don't. I hate getting dressed up because it feels so contradictory, don't be vain, yet look nice and holy. I feel...pretentious. That isn't the way I look when I am at home worshipping.. I am usually in my sleepy clothes, with no make-up, etc. Wow, I'm so off topic here. I want to do things because I love God, so that I can spread His word. I want to Learn to know Him. I'm actually excited about that possibility...It sheds new light on my Bible readings and moments of Meditation. To ask, "What is it God that you would have me to learn here?" Instead of, "Oh great, I've blown it again. I'm never going to get it. I suck!" Or any other variation of that really. So thank you God for YOUR patience with me and forgiveness and healing. Please let me seek you with my whole heart so that I might gain understanding and wisdom. Also, please let me love, with agape love, all people that you place in my life. Amen.

Change is Coming!

She wrote with abstractions,

she wrote as a means of distraction.

She wrote because her heart told her to,

she told it so often what it should do.

Do not love him because he cares too much,

Always wondering about seemingly dangerous stuff...

If I let him in what would be become of me?

How much is too much for all of them to see?

Wanting to trust in the Faith like a robin,

trying to ignore her heart's insistent longing.

At what point would she listen?

Would she be able to turn from her present reality,

to see what on Earth could be just like Heaven?

Her dreams had haunted her, as of late,

pressing the past issues like it was the dessert plate.

Lies, she knew, but what was she suppose to do?

Pray for change and redemption, 

run kicking and screaming from the faulty perception.

No longer the same, she would have no one to blame,

but herself, for failing to see how interconnected His promises could be.

Wanting more, naturally, is it really so hard to see?

At times a vast gulf between her heart, her eyes and her mind.

So distracted, was that normal?

Normally, she longed for the life of an immortal,

A Place where trees are ever as they should be,

where sunsets never cease to dazzle the mind,

where the inconvenience of time was no more.

Did a place like Heaven exist?

Was it the same for me, for the restless,

and for all of those who believe?

Not that it matters, He said it promises peace and reunion

and with that there would be no more longing.

So these moments spent, wondering,

are apt to vanity,

vain to think, sit and stare, vain to wonder why I'm even here.

There was a time when thoughts like these scared me.

Even now I'm not so sure I haven't crossed a certain line,

the permeable distance from here to insanity,

but there's no escape, no magic cure, no wishing I could just "not be here."

To sit and cope, to dream and hope,

to understand that these moments are a significant part of the plan,

of learning who I am and who I'll be,

in a future I can only scarcely see, but must whole-heartedly believe is waiting there for me.

Like a patient lover, never doubting my return,

longing for appreciation, reconnection, anything. 

I'm lost, my love, please wait for me.

Don't turn your head in anger because I stumble blindly,

be kind to me.

I see you in the distance, flashes of brilliance and calm, like the clearing in a storm,

it is then that I can almost feel the security of home.

In the sky I watch the patterns and wonder at their beauty,

knowing God awaits because no one can copy his skill, not nearly.

So impressive and expansive.

Yet I wonder, what His plan is.

Does it include the girl I am,

little old and frightened me,

frightened by what I am, but what I am is what He made me.

"Find your strength," I imagine He would tell me. 

Find the strength inside of me. 

"Cast aside your uncertainty,

To know me is to love me, to seek me is to find.

I am always at your side. 

Take your time and be careful

because the humble are often meek,

but the meek are always king.

Know that I will take care of you.

and I love you, too,

no matter what you do.

Please, let that be enough."

I think He said all of this to me,

although I couldn't hear quite clearly,

I listened with my heart, you see,

and it was whispered ever softly.

* "Be different, you'll fit right in."

I went to see a play tonight and I absolutely loved it. It was a play my sister was in, her character a minor role, but I was really proud of her. She was so pretty and had perfected all her lines. I also enjoyed the rest of the play. Mark Twain's autobiography. He was an interesting man, with a humorous and accurate perception. I liked the atmosphere, as well. Made up of originality, that sort of feel is contagious I guess. Women were using accents in the bathroom, but it definitely felt happy. 

My top ten.

Can I just take a moment to list everything I'm grateful for, from today alone?! The feelings come on, of course: embarrassment, suspicion of pride, general enjoyment, but I'm shouting praise to God, so I hope this is okay!

1. While cleaning the garage this morning I finally found Mia's blue leash!!! She and I took a walk a little later on and I think it made all the difference. There wasn't as much tugging and we were both generally happy, a little more comfortable, I think.
2. I published, submitted actually, my first short story! I have no idea what will come of it, it was to an online journal, but it felt like a first step forward. I also felt a little moment when I purchased a new ink cartridge. It is the little moments that count :) My plan IS to start printing off and completing all the works I already have on my computer, so that I can feel them tangibly accumulate. If I really want to be a writer, I think this would be a good way for me to find out if I have what it takes to make it. I'm believing that the desires of my heart will align with what God has in store for me. He will open doors only He can open and close doors only He can. Thank you, God for an ever increasing reliance on you and your will for my life. Amen.
3. My diploma came in the mail today! I was instantly so happy! I can't even describe, it was like getting exactly what you wanted for your birthday without ever expecting a thing. I am SOOOO grateful :)

I may not be sure of a lot of things, but so far today has been such a blessing from God. Could it have been that 5:30 AM prayer sesh??? haha. now off to make dinner for the little ones (my sister and her friend. lol). Good night!

The memory I keep coming back to.

I was probably looking as pathetic as a wet dog that is waiting by the back door for someone, anyone to let it in. I had just arrived at the Swansea campus and my bags were almost as heavy as I was. Two fifty pound suitcases and a back pack that I swear weighed just as much as the two of them combined, on account of me shoving every last parcel into it so that I wouldn't be charged the extra amount. In fact, I might have actually payed extra for one of the suitcases because I remember not wanting to be charged for shipping later on down the line.. Anyways, my bags were heavy, I wasn't that buff and besides, travel had definitely worn me down. It was at least 24 hours since I had last seen my bed and now we were being directed around like blind mice in some cruel game show maze. I had no idea where my room was and all the driver had said, with a dismissive wave, was "down there somewhere." I took a deep breath and picked up the handle to one suitcase (thank God, one rolled!). The other one, however, was meant to be carried across your shoulder and I could barely haul it up at this point. I was doing my best to look as least miserable as was possible, as I was aware that I wasn't the only confused student and most likely I was going to have to face these people for the next couple months or so. I was also aware of the large, dark-haired, Marilynesque, mysterious guy that had finally caught my eye. He silently offered to take one of my bags and I practically cried from relief. It turned out he was staying in the flat next to mine. He dropped my bag off and just as silently retreated to his own place. I barely remember the details. Did we speak or was I too distracted? Did I even say thank you? Maybe not that day, but I did see him a few times later on throughout the semester. Still dark and mysterious, but I learned his name and that he was from Germany. I think he told me the most interesting stories I have ever heard in my entire life! That trip was so worth it. He was only one of all the other incredible, diverse people I met and I'm so glad that he did that favor for me. Does it make anyone else wonder what small things you could do for someone else or what things you might have possible done to help another just by being you? I have no idea why he offered to help. Kindness, very possible. Determination, manliness... the possibilities are endless. I just know, I still appreciate that moment.
So, what does it mean? What can I learn from that moment? Can it still give me strength to make it through just one more difficult moment in my life? I think so. I think the baggage I carry is often too heavy for one person and I do need help sometimes. It actually helps build relationships. What else? There was nothing that I was doing, I don't think anyway, that would have promised that I could return that favor. In fact, I don't think I ever would be able to. Me, an American girl with little physical strength and an inability to wow him with my own life-experiences (come on, what 20-something year old guy wants to hear the whoa's of high school cheerleading? That was really all I had, up to that point). But, he helped me anyway. I guess I just feel like praying that at some point in my life I would be able to return his kindness in some form, to some one and that all the other negativity in life that threatens to bog us down would be erased, forgotten, insignificant. That is my prayer. And, thank you if you are reading this, your action has obviously caused a ripple and I hope something good is coming your way and that good moments already have.
Have a good day everybody!
~Jenn

Food Fun.

Yum. My breakfast this morning. Absolutely gorgeous. An egg sandwich with a buttered onion, potato bun. A little bit of ketchup. Definitely worth the extra 15 or so that goes into making an actual meal, rather than toast or oatmeal (I love both of those, to be clear). I decided if I could spend 30+ minutes making my dog's meal for the day, I might as well spend some time on my own. Thank you God, that was a good decision.
There are two more notes on one of my favorite topics: First) I don't have to chop up the chicken for Mia anymore!!! Yes. Not only a time saver, but also slightly less disgusting for me to deal with first thing in the morning. I felt guilty about giving her the huge chunk yesterday, but I saw her handle it today and was well-pleased :) The lengthy bit was making the rice for her, but I think she really enjoyed having it, so again, time worth while.
Finally, I was watching Man vs. Food yesterday (one of my favorite shows on the Food Network) and he (his name escapes me at the moment...it's early!) was in Montana having a pasty at some Mom n Pop place.  I immediately was transported back to Wales, where I had my first pasty. They are sold everywhere, much like an egg sandwich would be here, except there they have much more hand-crafted appeal and then there is the surprise factor of, "Is there really going to be just cheese in this one? How do they know? What if the little name tags got all out of order?" And by that time your hunger has gotten the best of you and you've taken your first bite, to discover that indeed, the owner knew his items. That was what happened to me anyway, the story a bit more logical regarding the fact that I was still an adamant vegetarian at the time. I was hoping for potato and cheese in my pasty though and I was not disappointed. The only disappointing part was that the no meat factor hugely diminished the variety of pastys I could sample. No matter. I had one, I had a taste of the home-made dough, crisped perfectly on the outside while remaining soft and pliable towards the center. It was delicious, filling, and cheap!
Back to the show. You see, this American re-creator made no mention of a Welsh heritage. Instead it was the line of work that made the connection for me. He claimed that his typical American dish, pleasing not only our palate but our astonishing appetites (see, this pasty was made enormously with two kinds of meat- that part lost my attention- and then baked in a seemingly delicious crust, but it didn't stop there. It was then smothered in chili and what looked like American cheese. American, I told you). As they were about to eat, or a little before, the owner let it slip. "Here's to a real miner's meal." And what are the Welsh historically known for, professionally? Mining. A-ha. So, whether or not those in Montana are aware of their Welsh heritage, they are certainly more closely linked than they acknowledged on that 30-minute t.v. segment. Hey, I have to keep myself entertained somehow!

So what?

You'd think it was common courtesy, you'd think I'd be use to it by now. Enough of what you would think. I think I should not expect it, but for some reason, I do. I expect him to not text back. Would it be better if I sat in suspense for the flashing light that told me he had found something, anything to say in response? Instead, hours go by and I take mental notes of all the "I knew it's" that go whizzing by, while constantly reminding myself that I only partially wanted to go out anyways and even if he text me this instant I would claim to be too tired to stir myself now. In reality, what am I doing? I'm sitting, venting my dating frustration via blog in hopes that I can channel enough anger, burn it off somehow by admitting every detail and comforting myself with the fact that there are other things to be doing.
Part of me feels like I could be getting punished for missing choir practice. I didn't say I was going to or anything and I don't actually feel like I had to go, so I'm going to push through that thought. The choir didn't really feel right for me, although it was a good opportunity for worship.
I just wanted to go on a date tonight to feel normal. I haven't been on a date in so long... a couple weeks. I just want to go out and feel... I don't even know what I want to feel. Part of me wants to find a relationship, someone to share my thoughts with, but then I know, I have God and honestly that relationship is going better than ever. Something changed this weekend. I feel like that verse is true, that your old self will die away to a new one, in Christ. I could try to describe it. Sometimes, before, my mind would go to really dark and deep places and then, all of sudden, I have felt this overwhelming peace. Like joy hasn't been far from, actually like I can recognize when anger or frustration are coming up and then call on Jesus to feel the calm. I don't know if it sounds crazy, but I've been inexplicably happy and comforted and I know God has everything to do with it because nothing else has changed and the more of the Bible I hear the more I realize this is what he wants. I'm digging it.
So, I haven't found a "REAL" job yet and I haven't even pushed past 3 miles in my running plan. I'm not eating that much better for me and I certainly haven't ditched the coffee yet. I'm still flawed and making corrections and trying to lean on Him even more, so that I don't feel like the load is all on myself. So, I guess it's okay that I'm not dating anyone... I just thought...ugh.
The interesting part is, I know God is taking me places I would have never imagined myself going. I pray every night that he would open doors only he can open and close doors only he can close. That my eyes would be opened to His ways, his understandings. I pray for patience and courage and strength.
Enough about that, how was my day? Perfect, actually!
I got up early, saw Em off for school and then stayed up a bit for prayer and then cleaning. I played around on the computer for a while, had breakfast and then did some more cleaning. The cleaning was actually a good part, I need to do some more of it! Dusting and mopping and trashcan lid cleaning up on the list for tomorrow. woot-woot.
After the cleaning, I needed a little break, so Mia (the dog) and I headed over to the local park and she got to chase the ball around a bit, as I took a few laps. I honestly would have stayed longer, but she was pretty tuckered. The dog is incredible! She did a great job at sticking by me, avoiding people (in a non-overbearing way) and not pooping until I had fortunately grabbed some tp from the restroom (forgot the doggie bags at home this morning!). Anyway, the funniest part was how she waited to drink her water until she literally could lick the water as it poured from my water bottle! Nevermind the fact that she had her own bowl! Dogs are funny... the way they train their master's and all.
That didn't end the greatness of the day though. After that, I went home and made a delicious salad, I took an amazingly refreshing shower and then headed out to pick up the girls from school. Without knowing if I was going to bring up the topic or not, we were actually forced to go to the library because the oldest girl forgot her house key inside the house! Luckily, I had brought my two books that needed returning and there I found myself, scanning the movie section and selecting a couple of books. I could not have planned those perfect moments myself. In my definition, this day should probably be filed as "Grace: The indescribable perfection of a day spent in His presence." Yeah, I can finally say I'm in love <3.
And I didn't even get to the bike ride with my sister and the beautiful, ostentatious sunset and the dinner that my brother finally enjoyed and the conversation with my sister and brother that made me realize how thankful I am for them being in my life. I guess at the very root of my question, "What's next?" I need to remember how simple, yet satisfying these moments have been and then realize that it really doesn't matter. This, today, is what living is all about. Good night world. I pray for a similar peace on everyone's lives and the joy of the Lord to be forever present in our horizons. Let us all glory in His glory. Amen.

the devil's voice: compulsion and desire

Soemtimes, I think I'm going crazy. Life on this side of the tracks makes me wonder if others might think I have gone off the deep end as well. Who is that girl, who once we smoked with, got drunk with, who is now going to church on wednesdays and even attempting to join the choir? What's worse, is I don't even know the difference sometimes between my own opinions of what is right and what is wrong. I feel crazy.
The internal monologues of my head are awful, often leaving me feeling angry, disturbed, unhappy, incredulous, doubtful, remorseful, you name it. Until I re-stumbled upon a book today, thus leading to a revelation, the greatest works (for me) have been those that spoke loudly to honesty. To what is really going on. I could sit here and try to write what a good Christian would write, something uplifting (I think) and inspirational. Something final and absolute, leaving no doubt in the reader as to where my loyalties lie. But, see that there is the reason I feel like my thought today has been a break through. What I love about my religion, about God, is that I can be myself and that is what He wants. I feel like this is the crazy for those on the opposite end of the spectrum. What do I mean, what He wants? I mean that I believe there is a God and that I get to have a relationship with Him. Do you see how awesome this is? I get to have an intimate relationship with the one who created the Earth, who knows everything, who is able and willing to answer all of my prayers and who still loves me no matter my inflictions or bursts of unreasonable anger? Well, that realization has made all the difference to me. I can go to bed now and feel comforted. Maybe, to some, that seems easy. But, the point is, I no longer care what "most" think. In fact, I am actually returning to this frame of mind, after being somewhat derided over the course of my stint at "University." Now, the writing part that poses a problem for me is the absolute, brutal honesty of the representation of the facts of my life. Not easy. Not pretty. Not even remotely proud of what I should be and too many memories of being proud of what I absolutely should not have been proud of. Confusing. Years of confusion. Once again, to be clear, why do I love God? Because He is the reason I am working through my confusion. To answer a question that perhaps, but doubtfully lingers in my mind, why was I so confused when it seems that most everyone else has there stuff all figured out? Because those people have found a way of organizing their thoughts, of claiming their own meaning in an otherwise out-of-sorts, flat out backwards civilization. I applaud them, even wanted to be that way myself. I hope this isn't pre-mature and presumptuous, but I even feel like I might be getting there. Not completely focused, knowing exactly where I'm headed with a five-year plan posted to my bedroom wall or anything, but a little less muddied, a little more illuminated, a little less clutter causing  me to become disoriented.
Like everything else in life, I saw the signs. The signs were there rather and in hindsight, I can see them clearly. I honestly don't know what happened, I guess the why is becoming the less important of those seemingly endless list of questions. What I want to know is what. What can I do now to avoid falling into those places again? How can I avoid believing that my life isn't really better off now than it was then? As I write this I feel like I keep needing to justify the fact that not everyone will be able to relate to my experiences and I need that to be okay. If you don't know, haven't been through a pretty similar circumstance, you are never going to get it. Really though, how often does a reader fully comprehend the author's intent?
I'll go on. You know what I said to myself when I woke up this morning? Well, first I was actually pretty happy to be awake. I saw the sun coming in, realized it was still early and that I had had a comfortable night's sleep. I was experiencing joy and I loved it. Came to a complete halt as I scoped the girl staring back at me in the bathroom mirror. Seriously? That's how I look!?! I knew I should have straightened my hair before falling asleep last night. Instead I wake up to some frizzy-haired, hay feeling tumble on top of my head with the unmentionable mistake of bangs going any which way they please. Awful. But then, because a feeling that negative just won't do, not when I woke up determined to enjoy my day, I said, "Hey, at least you don't smoke anymore." Such a bizarre comment it actually caught me off guard. I thought for a moment about the implications and I had to subtly agree. I don't and that means that the dry skin and wrinkles near my mouth from the all familiar pucker aren't getting any worse. I know, this isn't pretty. Plus, it implied a greater sense of control, a coming to terms with what I saw reflecting back at me. Who am I to criticize the image in the mirror? I moved on.
That's one of the most inconspicuous forms of attack though, self-defeat. No matter how many good things go on in the day, I can come back to what I hate, what I do wrong, what I will never do right. I know they are all lies, I know I can get pass them, it only is a matter of time. I can't wait. That's why I started to write again, like this, because something about seeing my ideas on paper makes me realize how silly they all are. Not the writing part, but the deprecation. Really, this is what you spend your time thinking about? How silly! Not always though. I do my variety of thought poking, a little here, a little there, a few "A-ha" moments and even a few "You go girl!" (Yes, as a 24 year old, I still say that). What was my most reason train of thoughts? I was thinking about making dinner, I got hungry in the process so I had a bite-size 3 Musketeer and then a fun-size bag of mnms. I absolutely dislike mnms so the only way to make them edible is obviously over a spoon of peanut butter. I felt guilty for that one so decided the best course of action would be to counter all of this with a banana. Now I am left feeling extremely full and not wanting to step foot in the kitchen. All I want to do is take my dog on a walk so she'll stop bothering me, but the guy I always see was on his way there (saw him on my way home from work) and I really am not in the mood for talking. So, what do I do now? I'm also supposed to be leaving for church  in an hour. God, please help me. I'm going for a walk...

A few thoughts...

Being egalitarian.
It has only been my second run-in with the idea, the notion, the definition-really. However, I whole-heartedly embrace it. That is, until anyone with more experience, with actual practice could show me why it errs.
My thinking is this: Use dogs, as examples. Some dogs live in houses, others are outside dogs, but they have the security of an owner who more than likely supplies its food and water and at the very least protects the dog through vaccinations and some kind of boundaries that are intended to keep larger, more threatening wild-life out. Move along to the mangy mutts one might see in the streets, in towns, cities and states (and countries!) where the dogs have lost their owners or have been too heavily produced, leading to abandonment. There are of course other categories, we have the dogs being housed in shelters, probably not the idea life, living on cement flooring and receiving a ration of generic dog food, but better than starving. We then have distinctions between types of owners, rules are definitely set in place, but there are those who disregard them in support of their own tempers and ill-fitted relationship with the dog (is abusive owners or malicious children). All of this is to say the range of dog-care varies to the extremes of purse dogs, who never lift a paw for anything on their own and whose only wants might be to stop being emasculated by the pink and purple sweaters to the "wild" dogs who either viciously kill their prey in some Alaskan wilderness or get scrapes from the local dumpster. But do dogs sit around and wonder who has the better life? NO. It is assumed by humans that the dogs with the caring family are more fortunate, that their standard of living is the ideal to reach for all animals. The same can be said for humans. Here we are in America with everything at our fingertips, healthcare if we need it, school for our children, a plethora of food and entertainment and clothing. All of this, for a price. Then there are those in this same great country who are lacking. There are those abroad who have nothing, who have literally become slaves of their rulers, no longer owning the rights to their own bodies. And what is the state of our thinking? I'll tell you what mine is. I think, first of all, how lucky I am to be an American citizen. To have a family who can support me until I one day will make enough money to turn around and do the same thing. I thank God for a country who, like the outside dog, has built a fence around me for protection but has still given me the illusion of independence to come and go as I please. I'm even sometimes like the hand-held dog who snaps at my owner for giving me too much, for codling me too much, for giving me everything because that is not exactly what I wanted. There's a balance there that I think we are missing. We want our government to work for us, far after we have stopped working for it. We want all it has to offer, yet we want none of the responsibility. What is it that I think we, the people, need to do differently? Stop biting the hand that feeds us. Appreciate the qualities we do have, and then search for the problems we can no longer live with and mean really, truly cannot live with. For example, human rights. Are those more or less important than our economic status? Probably more important, although that also probably depends on who you ask. Anyway, what good does it do fixing the "rights" of those in other countries when ours are in disarray at home? We need to focus our good deeds here, strengthen the children and the families living within our boundaries before we go around trying to correct the pets that belong to other owners. It is not that other countries do not have severe problems or that I think they should be forced to live with their unfortunate circumstances and providing aide, if asked, would be highly desirable. But to go intruding when we weren't even asked. Most Americans I know won't even look twice when a child of the neighbor is misbehaving, why on Earth would they think their right to go reprimanding people in countries far away? It might stem from a compassionate root, but it comes off looking haughty and rude and presumptuous. Besides, do we want the other people coming in and telling us that our ways are actually leading to greed and corruption. NO. But they could, they have and we, we disagreed. I do not believe we disagreed because these people were wrong, but because no one likes fingers pointed in their face, because everyone has their own way of dealing with issues and because that was not the area we thought we needed help in. None of us want to look at our government to solve social problems anymore. But that is a whole other issue that I don't feel so inclined to go into right now. Maybe next time.

Life Update(s)- without the dates, obviously ;)

So, today is a lazy morning. I woke up, made some coffee, threw in a load of laundry, made my bed and I am now waiting for my mom to arrive with the dog's food so I can feed our Golden Retriever. Poor girl, I always feel so guilty when I walk by the back door because she just sits there, waiting, expecting me to do what I have done every other morning, yet I ignore her. I could probably appease her by going out and playing fetch for awhile, but I was selfish, I was anxious to read the word and to get started on this cup of coffee I just poured. Ah, I'm working on it, Okay!?!
Anyhow, the real reason I wanted to write was that the last few days have been miraculous. Seriously and truly from God. I went to Tijuana, Mexico on Saturday with my church and I just felt protected, annointed (as a group) the entire time. Our supposed mission wasn't accomplished, but we were there as a church representing a love that still endures and I pray, I think, that word still got to a few people there. I was very thankful for the opportunity to do something new, I've never gone on an evangelical outreach, despite a trip or two of delivering clothes when I was younger and in Virginia, so I was lokking forward to the one on Saturday. I want to get more experience with talking to people about Jesus, what He has done for me in my life, so that I might be able to encourage them to seek for His love in their lives. Also, I think the point is to pray for people, those who are hurting, lost and afraid. Just to pray that God would deliver them, heal them, help them, give them peace to surpass all understanding, I need help to pray in that way for people. So, the trip didn't turn out quite like we expected, but in little ways my own needs were met and I'm sure it worked out as it was designed to. Besides all of that, because I know I don't understand what the real plan was, I was so thankful to spend the time with the church members, just talking and getting to know one another. That was an extreme blessing and it was an equally awesome day.
The other thing that happened was yesterday! What a day, what an amazing, glorious day :) I went to church with my little sister, who made me smile before I had even walked out the door to get gas in the car.. these smiles are important okay, because as of late I haven't been giving them out freely. They are important to me, anyway, because ideally, I'd be wearing one all the time... work in progress, right? So, after church and a delicious lunch with my mom and sister, I cam home and took our dog (the Golden) on a walk. There were softball players at the park, so she and I finally tried the trail behind all the houses that I have been itching to discover. It was worth it! Breath-taking views and solitude, my kind of walk! She got to play fetch along the way and her tail was wagging, so I'm assuming she had no complaints either. The really great part was when we got to a point in the trail when a canyon fell off to the left side. There was plenty of straightaway so I thought nothing of it as I tossed the ball for Mia. Unfortunately, it bounced off the ground and finally off of her snout, right over the edge. Before I could react it was gone, and so was she, bounding after her little ball. I ran to the edge just in time to see the two enormous hawks flying up, getting away from the disturbance. Their wing span was incredible, especially at such a close range and in such slow motion. I felt bad for Mia, she came back up with moss and twigs covering her, but as I cleared away the debris, she sat wagging her tail all the more. I couldn't help but feel proud of her and even more delighted at the present that she, nature, God had just given me. It was beautiful. It almost, but not quite, matched the amazement I had at last night's sunset. Talk about incredible!
I saw it on my way to church last night. Once again, God met me in that place and I left the service with a sense of calm and peace that I am only now starting to get comfortable with. I was so glad that I went. As I was heading home, I remembered that I was responsible for cooking dinner, it's my family responsibility on Sundays and Wednesdays. Sometimes, I get really stressed about finding something that everyone will enjoy (as I try not to eat meat and my family enjoys it, and there are other limitations like types of veggies, etc.) Needless to say, I try to be accommodating, but this adds to my agitation because I am not an extremely confident cook to begin with and then add to the mix that I am feeding a larger amount of people than I ever have in my life.. It wears on me. Well, the good news (finally) is that last night, I decided to pray. What I said was, "God, please help me prepare a meal that my family and I will enjoy without having to think too much about it. That I might come to a recipe easily enough and be able to cook it fast enough without feeling pressure or strain." That's how I know my prayer was answered, just like that. I came home and made something completely different than what I was expecting to, from that morning's effort of scanning a cookbook, and my family actually liked it! I had a good time cooking and an even better one because they made me feel appreciated by what the meal offered. It was a good ending to a seemingly perfect day. Thank God!
And, what now? What for today? I have no idea, I'm still sitting here, writing this up, sipping my coffee, but I'm sure it will be something He has planned, I'm glad that I've learned that I can leave even the littlest things up to Him. What a load off :) God Bless everybody...