I've seen enough witty articles to know a little bit about the so-called "Mommy Wars."
These wars are all about who's better, who's safer, who's more maternal, and at the heart of it all, who is just all around RIGHT. (That's it ladies, let's propagate high school drama well beyond those
traumatic years).
With that said, I've come up with a rebuttal. Here is my list of the safest conversation pieces I could find for one mom to another---regardless of self-applied labels (see disclaimer below).
1. "Gee, the weather looks nice today."
*Note: this may be replaced with a negative statement regarding the weather if the weather deserves it.
This tops our list for one very simple reason. It is a statement that is completely devoid of feeling, and thereby will not be interpreted as "judging" the other mother (even by the most sensitive of mothers).
2. "I remember when I was a baby, in the womb. It was dark!" Ignore for the moment that this is a lie. Lies are ok when we are being social and want to be accepted (and accepting) of others. It is also a nonconfrontational, autobiographical statement that is completely unremarkable as far as personal parenting skills go.
3. "You look beautiful!" Compliments are always acceptable and they are a part of every female friendship. There is a caveat. If this item is chosen, be prepared for varying responses. A person might respond boringly with "Thank you." Or, modestly with, "Me? I just threw these clothes on!"
It is rare, but you might also expect a genuine smile and a returned compliment. This is a good thing, a friendship can be achieved.
4. "Would you like some water?" This appears to be a safe suggestion. Of course, the author of this piece can not be held responsible if this question backfires when a woman suffering PMS misconstrues the meaning and becomes offended-presuming you are implying she watch her calorie intake. In this most unfortunate circumstance, simply explain that water is the only substance you are capable of offering.
5. "May I see pictures of your kid/kids?" Best opening line ever. No mom will fault you for taking an interest in their little protégés. Just make sure you've got some extra time to hear all the explanations of how Little Darling has Daddy's eyes, but Mommy's nose or how Tiny Timmy isn't actually tiny--it's just an endearing nickname.
No matter where you fall on the various issues of Mommy Wars, this list will save you loads of arguments, behind the back grumble, and potential lose of friendships.
In case you can't remember the talking points though, here is a simple list of topics you can easily avoid in order to salvage your relationships with other moms. Let me begin:
NEVER, never, mention Working Mom or Stay at Home Mom. Don't even suggest you belong to one
category or the other.
Also, (in connection) do not mention having more kids, if they are done, if there is a timeline. Basically, stay away from showing any interest in their family and/or size thereof. This is perceived as incredibly rude.
Additionally, don't say anything overly compassionate or sympathetic, like "You must be working hard," or "You probably need a break." These comments construe that (again) you are judging a mom's work ethic, or prioritizing over her children. Tisk-tisk!
Don't ask about eating habits. Do you really want to know if one kid eats from the breast or not? Trust me--don't go here with strangers.
Similarly, you really shouldn't ask about liquids. "Does Sweet Baby ever get juice in a sippy?" BAM! Just like that, you walked into a danger zone. The Dos, Do Nots, and the Only So Often, and the Completely Watered Downs live here.
And then there's the question of organic, co-sleeping, tv watchers, single, swaddlers, moby users, library goers, helicopter type.
You may wander from my 5 talking points, but clearly you'll be doing so at your own risk!
Share wisely!
Jenn
Copyright @jennifercotham 8/12/15
