Thinking About Where I've Been

I went out today. Without kids. ***. To some, that means nothing. A day in their life, the usual, a norm. For others, for us, this is groundbreaking, earth-shaking, hypothetical kush I'm talking about.

Only, it wasn't as good as all that. I mean, I got out of the house,  which speaks volumes for itself, but I wasn't skydiving. I was 5 minutes down the road, feeling guilty for drinking a 10 ounce cup of coffee (come on, nursing mamas!) and trying to focus on doing something "meaningful" with my solo 45 minutes.  That time, that golden, precious time is something stay at home parents value while others have so much of it, they waste it. Hence, the pressure I feel to make something of my time. Read the Bible, go to the gym,  FINALLY write thank you cards from my baby shower (almost 3 months ago now...). So yeah, basically impossible to narrow it down or to feel productive since in 45 minutes I'm not realistically crossing much off my list...

But, I tried. I know how important my alone time is. And, to be out in the world as an adult, without babies to distract me, that time is priceless. To remember who I am and what it feels like to be me? I have to take those opportunities when I can get them. So, what did I do? Nothing really. I sat in the parking lot of Starbucks for about 20 minutes while it rained, because I could. I read a few pages of  a book on the Best Seller list, because I could. Then, I went in. Because I could. The ease with which I can do all of these things both astounds me and boggles my mind.  I forgot nothing,  I had no extra baggage or little people to deal with. I was perfectly alone and just a little more awkward/uncomfortable than I wanted to be. But hey, no one is perfect and no one probably even noticed that my purse was my diaper bag and that I needed my sweater zipped up to hide the breast milk stains on my under shirt... hey, I'm just being honest here!

When my husband told me he wanted to play basketball again this week, I was resentful. "What's that," I fumed slightly peeved, "Another 3 hours to go play, get out your aggression?" Meanwhile, I'll be with the kids, of course. It's this complex situation, right? On one side, time alone with my babies is not a chore. I soak those hours up because time with them is special and unique, plus, I get ish done. Like, finish taking ornaments off the tree, put up the last few letters of the alphabet hanging in their room, and wait for it, I even get laundry put away! Every mom's fantasy. No really, it is... but, there's this human side to me that asks, what about my time!? I need to do this, or do that, and I KNOW I'm not getting 3 hours of uninterrupted time to do any of that. So, I take my 45 minutes,  because hey, it's a start.

So, anyway, I find myself having to explain all of this because of my recent encounter with those without children, who were also, gasp, not related to my children. Like, are you kidding me, what the heck am I supposed to talk about!?! I got through it though, relying on my old social skills I drudged up from only God knows where.

Today was a good day. A grown-up day. A day in which my kids napped long enough for me to type all  this up. Until next time, ya'll.

A Time of Reflection

Maybe it's the New Year coming up,  or maybe it's the Facebook memories that pop up, but this morning I find myself reflecting on the past as well as on the here and now.

I am SO thankful that I am not where I was 6 years ago. And, to be fair, 6 years is quite a long time. I mean, 6 years before these last 6 years, I was a mere 17 years old. I am DEFINITELY not where I was at 17, so maybe it is obvious that I wouldn't be in the same spot as my 23 year old self.

However, some people are the same as they were 6 years ago. When we age, change doesn't happen as frequently, some things are meant to be permanent. Usually, jobs become careers, renting turns into buying, and friends are more like family. Unfortunately, that can also mean that habits seem more like engraved personality traits  (or disorders). Whatever it is, I'm glad that at 23 I was still capable of making necessary changes to my life.

If I had had my head on straight and was on the fast track to the career of my dreams, I might feel differently. But, I didn't. 6 years ago was probably the darkest period of my adult life. Granted, some things are still the same. I'm still reserved (mostly) until I get to know someone, I'd still rather do most things by myself, I still do way too much contemplation throughout the day, and I still have an unhealthy appreciation for sweets.

There are also somethings I lost, that I wouldn't mind getting back in the New Year. My love of knowledge, for example. Over time I've let me desire to learn and to scan books for hours go, I don't dance embarrassingly half as much as I used to, or should, and I haven't had a good "girl-talk" in I don't know how long.