More on Women!

So, is there anyone out there who hasn't struggled with their identity in Christ? I'd be interested to know, but not anxious to meet you. I wouldn't be able to live up to your self-confidence and despite my best intentions, I get competitive in that arena of my life.

I asked because I'm trying to find my own identity... At first, I thought this would mean being able to succinctly list my interests, my passions, my hobbies, my likes and dislikes. That was a mistake! I asked God who I'm supposed to be, it turns out, He wants me to be myself. That didn't clear up any questions, although it is relieving! I turned to the Word and found that who I am is not easily defined, but I can go broader in order to gain some insight. For example, I'm a woman. To be honest, I once resented the representation that I perceived was a Christian interpretation of women. I think now that my negative vibe was wrapped up in my own negative impression of the Christian faith, thus I pinpointed my dissension on the only tangible argument I had. I could see a life I wanted to live, a carefree existence without condemnation and that only came when I was living in "the World." Meaning, when I was away from home, my mom, and was doing as I pleased. If I wasn't happy when I was out partying and riding in cars with boys* then it wasn't a personal flaw, it meant it was time to get a new group of friends. It didn't matter if so and so and I didn't hit it off because they weren't around long enough to get to know the real me and those who had made it past my barricade of defenses were enough. That is, until they weren't, and until even those few people I had dwindled to practically none. I was very isolated and as you know, your defenses are always weakened when you fight alone. Even David had an army behind him, willing to take up the fight against Goliath if he failed. I had no one, it seemed, and I had dropped into that hole not only by myself, but willingly! I excluded my family from my life because I couldn't stand their stories of a life I never thought I would have, let alone want ever again, and I knew they wouldn't respond approvingly to the stories I had to share. Very few people would probably!

When I first went back to church in May or so of last year, I was running from something. The details of my life then scared the Hell out of me, if I can be so literal. I walked (literally) to the nearest church and God's mercy caught my attention. I was far from perfect and still wanted to live life, I didn't understand how religion could fill me with joy, in replacement of the evil things I was doing. I say evil not to come off too strongly, but because in order to filter something out of my life, it needs to be harsh. And clear. Think of it this way, you aren't going to stop eating Frito Lay's Chips if you don't believe that hydrogenated fats are clogging your arteries and leading you to death five years prematurely. When you put it that way, it makes it easier to reach for the carrot sticks and pass up on the heart killers. It is the same way with sin. I never knew that what I was doing was severing my relationship with God. I thought I was loved, that the love I received, although it was distant, was good enough. Then, little by little, I began to give up on these sins. I'd spend as long as I could without doing x, y, and/or z and draw nearer to God. I obviously slipped up because I was trying to do this all on my own. I didn't mean to, but I wasn't all that comfortable asking God for things so I just saw a result and tried my hardest to make my way there. It worked for awhile, until I slipped up. Then, after all that process which could have been months or weeks or days, the guilt of messing up, sliding back into old habits, would eat me up and I would literally open my mouth in frustration and tell God, "Fine, you do it!" I couldn't. No joke, once I confessed that I was unable to stop the sin and ask for His help, He would take away the urge. The difference between when He did it and I did is that it was not even a thought in my mind anymore. I wouldn't long after that old sin because the new feeling of it being absent, was SO MUCH better :) Truthfully! That builds trust, too.

I said this blog was going to be about women though. I get side-tracked! There are so many good things that God does.

This topic though is crazy. My mind has done a complete 180, almost. See, it has been almost three and a half years since I began my search of how women are written about in the Bible. I stopped looking back then when I came to a story in the Old Testament where a man literally offers his daughters up to be raped in order to save the men in the town. I was disgusted. Given my interpretation, I'm sure others would be disgusted too! Well, God revealed something to me. A revelation, if you will. I was reading the story all wrong. The man offered his daughters, but God saved them! The men doing the pillaging  didn't even want the girls, they declined this extraordinary offer. Wow! That caught my attention. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know where else I had misinterpreted. I wanted to know how many times God used women to make a point, to make a difference. I wanted to know all the places where God exhibited His love for women. I'm human though. I haven't found them all! I get caught up on sections, I delight in passages for awhile (like Songs of Solomon), and I still get tricked up on some pages. Recently, the distraction came in 1 Timothy 2:9. Check this out:

"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes."

Wow, what Lord? Conduct on how I must dress, let alone be perceived among men? No way! Shut the Bible, move on... Except I can't do that now. I'm in too deep with God to leave it alone. I know He loves me, so He wouldn't command something I am not able to comply with. Truthfully though, when I read this, I started looking up translations in Hebrew and Greek thinking the translators must have gotten it wrong. Nope. That only made it worse. In one translation, "decency" was replaced with "shamefacedness." Seriously, I didn't think I could handle that. But, "God, what would you have me to learn from this?" Now, I'm thinking this: God knows all. Simply put. I might not stop wearing gold or pearls and, in fact, my hair is in a braid right now (it was when I started my reading, I'm not flourishing in rebellion)! However, in the next verse:

10 "but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God."

Yeah. Who am I trying to please? See, God clearly lays out what he views as beautiful. The truth is, if you are anything like me, we are going to look to some source in order to measure our beauty, aren't we? Whether it is by comparing yourself to other women or reading the latest beauty magazine ('Men love rosy lips!'). I'm sick of the 'unequal weights and measures.' I want to look for beauty on the inner being of any women, person, that I meet. I want to see their beauty as God does and I want to see my beauty and measure it on His infallible scale. There is such freedom in that, from a world that can be relentlessly cruel and particular. I'm still working on my soul and my heart and I'm still learning, but I think God is doing wonders in me. I'm so thankful for these times of being able to search His word.

I hope anyone reading can find the answers that you seek. Knowing that God does reveal himself to those who seek and can acknowledge that His way of handling this life is irrefutable and unchanging.
love,
Jenn

My thoughts on love...

For what it's worth, I probably know nothing. Yet, this is a topic I could think about for hours. I don't understand it and I know it is different for everyone. I always thought that we loved people according to who they were to us. For example, I loved my pastor like a pastor and my mother like a mother; this set up my mental hierarchy of who received which allocations of my love. Although I probably still feel this way, the way I would describe it has changed. Love is universal. Is this a statement that registers with many people? Is it true? I think it must be. The universality of love is the only explanation for me holding a baby I haven't known for more than thirty minutes and automatically feeling that it is my duty to protect, comfort, and encourage this baby to feel secure. There's absolutely no logical reason for me to interact thus, if you consider; a) this baby has been screaming for the last thirty minutes due to his mother's leaving us alone and b) he is not related to me in any sense and c) no matter how I treat this kid, his care is at my discretion. I realized that while holding him. An adult inherently possesses power over an infant, in every sense of the word. I could've not fed him, I could've spanked him, I could have done a number of good or evil behavior. Instead, I chose to crawl around on the floor, making his dolls sound incredibly silly and rotating between dry food, a bottle and juice. Anything to make him happy again, to forget that his mom had left him. I realized this. The acknowledgment that your actions could either benefit another or inflict pain, even unnoticed damage,  so you choose to make the best decision; that's love. Now, others may be better at this than I am, but the above mentioned event reminded me how selfish I am. Yes, love is great, but it cannot overcome our natural tendencies! I loved this kid who was now (thankfully!) fast asleep in my arms. That did not stop me from trying to place him in his crib. I knew, without a doubt, that he would wake up, but I saw my book lying longingly on the table and I knew my arm would eventually go numb, so I tried. As soon as he shook his head and began to wake up, I immediately relented and realized I would be spending the remainder of his nap, with one arm cradling his little body. Even those moments of holding him, staying silent as possible, forgoing the reading since my actions of flipping the pages and holding the book open disturbed him, are so intertwined with selfishness- let's face it, a quiet, sleeping baby is easier to watch than a cranky, screaming kid. However, as I held him, I was so thankful. He snuggled and relaxed and I could tell he was at peace in his nap, that made even this dead arm I have now, worth every minute. I'm so thankful that God works the ways that He does. He's teaching me so much about the ways He loves me, but that is a topic I still know too little about to even feel comfortable beginning!

Good Morning World!

Have you ever done somethinng and automatically realized how much you were missing it, even if you didn't know beforehand. Maybe it is like that with a person, instead. Like you go so long without a friend, or a conversation with a relative, but once it happens, it's like you were given a drink of water. Your head clears up a bit and you see life in a new perspective, even though you thought you were seeing it just fine earlier. Another way to think about it is seeing a Monet and thinking it beautiful from far away, but as you get closer it becomes more chaotic, more smudged. Some act as if they have been fooled. They say, "From where I stood ten yards away that painting was so beautiful, but as I proceeded to draw near, I realized all its faults." Life is like that to me. I see it from far away sometimes, as if I were the abstract. The lines aren't clear and I am wandering around thinking everything is great, but I have an ideal picture in my head, not the reality. So, as the different events in life draw me nearer, I become confused. "Wait a minute," I say, "This is not the way I was viewing my life." The image is distorted, perhaps the clear blue sky is actually being threatened by streaks of gray and the shining stars I saw are flashes of lightening instead. Or, maybe the friends I saw when I was on the outskirts of my own life, placing distance between myself and it, perhaps when I start to embrace that life, that crazy, beautiful creation, and it was created, those friends turn into people I no longer recognize and the girl I imagined myself to be is someone different, entirely. Now, I happen to like Monet. I find the quality of his paintings increases the more intently I dissect them and can stare up close. That was the image he intended. Just as God has called me to view my life where He has placed me. Sometimes, the transition is hard. Sometimes I feel as though I am doing EVERYTHING wrong and, even at other times, other viewers of my very same painting will come along offering their opinions and they completely throw me off. But, should a fan of Thomas Kinkade ever believe they will accurately judge one of God's Monet's? I should hope not! Their styles are different and what they were trying to create was never meant to be compared and contrasted, but to be enjoyed. To be viewed and to be appraised for their respective worths. That's all I'm asking: let what I create have a purpose and let that purpose adhere to the following criteria:
1)Let all things give glory to God and His good works
2)Don't let the negative comments destroy the fulfilling of my purpose
3)Don't let the differences in style threaten my creativity
and
4)Don't let me go astray because I am not living up to some imagined standards; what I create was never mine anyway.
I just don't want to be judged in something I believe has little value anyway. Without God I wouldn't create anything. At the same time, I need to be able to voice my opinions with confidence. For example, if something is not going the right way, or the way I planned it, I need to stop. Give it up, but try again. Oftentimes while talking, I'll have to stop my speech midway and re-evaluate what it is that I am trying to say. Is that the best way of communicating? Probably not, but I do it because I want to be genuine in my talks. I want to be uplifting and glorifying to God. I don't want to be egotistic or naive; I have many constraints and I believe God wants to break those chains. I believe I have been holding in my speech for years because I was afraid I never had the "right" thing to say. And let's look at where I found my reasoning: magazines. "Guys don't want to hear you talk about, a, b, or c." Really? Because a(my friends), b(my job), and c(my family) pretty much make up my life. That clearly left me in a predicament. And what was I suppose to do then? "Listen." "Guys love to talk and it is rare so when they do, let them." Sure, but then I found myself listening to horrendous nonsense all the while wondering when it was my turn to talk and wondering if ever I'd be able to have a nonrestricted conversation with anyone. God says I can and I will. I can talk to Him about anything and I can't tell you how relieving that feels. The other thing is, if you ask for something, you shall receive. I'm asking for a partner who is a wonderful listener and who encourages me to talk. I have a really bad habit of drawing back, of only contributing my thoughts that I know will be appreciated or even reciprocated in a positive manner. I think that has its good points. However, thinking like that also has its drawbacks. Those are; I don't feel comfortable contributing brand new ideas, I don't like giving criticism even if I know it will be edifying- I don't like being the party-pooper and, in my own heart, the most painful reason is that when I deny my speech in the presence of a man, or anyone really, I minimize the importance of my thoughts, of my testimony, of my relationship with God, and lastly, it feels dishonest. I will walk away feeling like I have fooled the person, not intentionally, but out of my insecurities! It is a yucky feeling to have too because then fear sneaks in like this. "What happens when they find out I'm not really happy for them all the time? What if they finally come to the conclusion that I'm not as nice as they always tell me? What happens when they realize that I will stick up for myself as soon as I feel comfortable enough to tell them exactly how I feel?" I fear that I'm not good enough, I fear that I'm too serious, I fear that I'm not always religious enough or happy enough or funny enough or wise enough or organized, etc. What a vicious cycle! God doesn't believe any of that! He loves me just the way I am, but I can really beat myself up for things like that. That is why I know I need Him. I know when I'm praying He takes away the thoughts of self. I know that to Him I am good enough, so good in fact, that His only son would have died upon the cross for me alone, and then I feel so much better. I realize that I am precious and loved and I stop worrying about what the world has made me concerned with because in reality, not one of those insecurities above would matter if I were living my whole life with Christ as my head. Did I write that correctly? Did you read it right? I said, nothing I am worried about matters to Christ? Because I'm worried about the wrong things. I worry about those things, not because of how they reflect the kingdom of heaven, but because of how people will reflect on me! I'm strengthened and made whole in Christ, so as long as I keep walking with Him, people will be drawn to me. They will see the light as He has intended (think Thomas Kinkade now), but they might also have a different perception the longer they get to know me. He has created a being full of perseverance and faith, full of love and laughter, full of mercy and grace, but God knows, my life choices have not made me that way! I am only here because He saved me, I am only whole (or working on it) because He has allowed me this opportunity. My soul purpose is to be the canvas on which His work is reflected and from their the whole purpose of the work He has created is to reflect His infinite love and amazing ability. Sure, I'll be different from the photo on the wall next to me. I will be hanging in a hall full of Picasso's, Monet's, and other well known artists, but that never diminshes the beauty of all the photos that come before me or after me. In fact, one time when I was in England I was able to visit the National Gallery in London. It was huge and beautiful, and that was only the outside! In doors, to where I quickly ran due to the snowstorm we were in, was completely covered with works of art. I was in awe. I love staring at paintings because they make me think, they make me stop and wonder at their stories, all the detail that went into their creation. I see the artist standing over the canvas with painstaking attention to the colors, to the paints, to the creation and I am speechless. Even to the less abstract paintings, like fresh fruit in a bowl, I wondered how long it took to get everything just right and I wondered at the differences in painters. What is it to one who decided to sculpt while another picks up a brush and does a still life and yet to another who draws a picture so bizarre we stop and wonder if this is really art at all? Then I realized, we all do this. We all pick up our mediums and go about our business. We never stop to think if we are doing it right because we wouldn't be doing it at all if we didn't love what we were doing. That doesn't mean I don't dream of painting like Renoir or sculpting a Michelangelo, but that I am so happy when I know I am doing what I am called to do. When I am expressing His love through my gift, when what I'm doing has so little to do with me, but everything to do with what others will see, that's when I think I'm doing what I was called to do. In whatever form that may take throughout my life, through my days and even through the hours.
I'd like to end with the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

A Good Wife

Here's a new poem I wrote. It is VERY personal, but honest and beautiful in its simplicity. I am not bragging, but sharing because writing is something I love and maybe the intimacy can be inspiring to others, while probably horrifying to others. hah. such is this electronic life we live in.

A Good Wife

If God were my husband and I were his wife how would I live so we both felt it was right?

I stood there before Him with my arm raised up high and all of a sudden, I began to cry.

I wanted Him to tell me that He approved of my actions, that He knew that I loved Him,

but in actuality, it was my God who was asking, "But, do you really love me?"

"Of course I do," I adamantly protested. I've given up such and such to get this far,

In fact, I'm abstaining from marriage because I know you're supposed to be The One,

"The only problem is, you have no idea how that's done."

This was true. I was so unaware of the ways that I would love someone

especially a man who, in the physical, was mostly not there.

To love God meant giving my whole self, unselfishly,

whatever He needs, that is what I want to be doing.

I don't care what it costs or how it looks, what it means,

I want Him to see me, I like being seen.

God, I want to give all of myself to you

and I was honored that He would even want what little I had to give.

I kept asking, "Me? You want all of me? Of all of the people, what in me do you see?"

I get that I'm willing, but I'm so undeserving. 

It is hard now in reflection to capture all I was feeling.

I needed Him, His strength and His joy,

to get me through that moment and the rest of my day.

Yet a part of me thought, why is He asking me to give all of this away?

I might never know the answer, why today of all days?

He asked would you be mine, would you only marry me?

I said yes, for those of you wondering,

because no matter what else, I want Him to have me.

To take care of me unconditionally, to support me when I feel weak,

to love me even as I'm changing. I want Him to know the heart behind my actions,

and the kindness of my intentions,

but mostly I love Him because even without the words to explain all of this to anyone else,

He knows how I'm feeling and He speaks right to my heart.

I'm not sure how it feels to be legally married,

what all that implies,

I suppose that it means, you split bills, you argue over children, you fight.

You make dinners and go out, you laugh til you cry.

I'm married to God now, so our marriage looks something like this,

I laugh and I cry and I think He's there with me.

I get scared to do something and He urges me to try.

He supports an increasingly thriving relationship between my family and I,

I pull away sometimes, when I want to do my own thing, even when it is bad for me!

He listens when I talk, or sing, but I also have to tell Him things.

I tell Him my wishes for the people and the world,

I try to learn and become a nicer girl.

He sees my efforts and that makes me undone

In His presence, I have the most fun.

I get embarrassed sometimes when He sees me being the silliest 

and when it comes to apologizing, I still try to resist.

I'm still far from perfect, I worry He will think I'm not worth it.

I try too hard, mess up all too often,

I get it wrong, I get scared and I'm not all that confident.

Yet, still He loves me and I keep trying,

because all in all my life with Him has been so much better than anything.

I never have to be alone and I can rest when it is just He and I.

I'm loving our life together, my husband and I.