A Good Wife

Here's a new poem I wrote. It is VERY personal, but honest and beautiful in its simplicity. I am not bragging, but sharing because writing is something I love and maybe the intimacy can be inspiring to others, while probably horrifying to others. hah. such is this electronic life we live in.

A Good Wife

If God were my husband and I were his wife how would I live so we both felt it was right?

I stood there before Him with my arm raised up high and all of a sudden, I began to cry.

I wanted Him to tell me that He approved of my actions, that He knew that I loved Him,

but in actuality, it was my God who was asking, "But, do you really love me?"

"Of course I do," I adamantly protested. I've given up such and such to get this far,

In fact, I'm abstaining from marriage because I know you're supposed to be The One,

"The only problem is, you have no idea how that's done."

This was true. I was so unaware of the ways that I would love someone

especially a man who, in the physical, was mostly not there.

To love God meant giving my whole self, unselfishly,

whatever He needs, that is what I want to be doing.

I don't care what it costs or how it looks, what it means,

I want Him to see me, I like being seen.

God, I want to give all of myself to you

and I was honored that He would even want what little I had to give.

I kept asking, "Me? You want all of me? Of all of the people, what in me do you see?"

I get that I'm willing, but I'm so undeserving. 

It is hard now in reflection to capture all I was feeling.

I needed Him, His strength and His joy,

to get me through that moment and the rest of my day.

Yet a part of me thought, why is He asking me to give all of this away?

I might never know the answer, why today of all days?

He asked would you be mine, would you only marry me?

I said yes, for those of you wondering,

because no matter what else, I want Him to have me.

To take care of me unconditionally, to support me when I feel weak,

to love me even as I'm changing. I want Him to know the heart behind my actions,

and the kindness of my intentions,

but mostly I love Him because even without the words to explain all of this to anyone else,

He knows how I'm feeling and He speaks right to my heart.

I'm not sure how it feels to be legally married,

what all that implies,

I suppose that it means, you split bills, you argue over children, you fight.

You make dinners and go out, you laugh til you cry.

I'm married to God now, so our marriage looks something like this,

I laugh and I cry and I think He's there with me.

I get scared to do something and He urges me to try.

He supports an increasingly thriving relationship between my family and I,

I pull away sometimes, when I want to do my own thing, even when it is bad for me!

He listens when I talk, or sing, but I also have to tell Him things.

I tell Him my wishes for the people and the world,

I try to learn and become a nicer girl.

He sees my efforts and that makes me undone

In His presence, I have the most fun.

I get embarrassed sometimes when He sees me being the silliest 

and when it comes to apologizing, I still try to resist.

I'm still far from perfect, I worry He will think I'm not worth it.

I try too hard, mess up all too often,

I get it wrong, I get scared and I'm not all that confident.

Yet, still He loves me and I keep trying,

because all in all my life with Him has been so much better than anything.

I never have to be alone and I can rest when it is just He and I.

I'm loving our life together, my husband and I.