So, is there anyone out there who hasn't struggled with their identity in Christ? I'd be interested to know, but not anxious to meet you. I wouldn't be able to live up to your self-confidence and despite my best intentions, I get competitive in that arena of my life.
I asked because I'm trying to find my own identity... At first, I thought this would mean being able to succinctly list my interests, my passions, my hobbies, my likes and dislikes. That was a mistake! I asked God who I'm supposed to be, it turns out, He wants me to be myself. That didn't clear up any questions, although it is relieving! I turned to the Word and found that who I am is not easily defined, but I can go broader in order to gain some insight. For example, I'm a woman. To be honest, I once resented the representation that I perceived was a Christian interpretation of women. I think now that my negative vibe was wrapped up in my own negative impression of the Christian faith, thus I pinpointed my dissension on the only tangible argument I had. I could see a life I wanted to live, a carefree existence without condemnation and that only came when I was living in "the World." Meaning, when I was away from home, my mom, and was doing as I pleased. If I wasn't happy when I was out partying and riding in cars with boys* then it wasn't a personal flaw, it meant it was time to get a new group of friends. It didn't matter if so and so and I didn't hit it off because they weren't around long enough to get to know the real me and those who had made it past my barricade of defenses were enough. That is, until they weren't, and until even those few people I had dwindled to practically none. I was very isolated and as you know, your defenses are always weakened when you fight alone. Even David had an army behind him, willing to take up the fight against Goliath if he failed. I had no one, it seemed, and I had dropped into that hole not only by myself, but willingly! I excluded my family from my life because I couldn't stand their stories of a life I never thought I would have, let alone want ever again, and I knew they wouldn't respond approvingly to the stories I had to share. Very few people would probably!
When I first went back to church in May or so of last year, I was running from something. The details of my life then scared the Hell out of me, if I can be so literal. I walked (literally) to the nearest church and God's mercy caught my attention. I was far from perfect and still wanted to live life, I didn't understand how religion could fill me with joy, in replacement of the evil things I was doing. I say evil not to come off too strongly, but because in order to filter something out of my life, it needs to be harsh. And clear. Think of it this way, you aren't going to stop eating Frito Lay's Chips if you don't believe that hydrogenated fats are clogging your arteries and leading you to death five years prematurely. When you put it that way, it makes it easier to reach for the carrot sticks and pass up on the heart killers. It is the same way with sin. I never knew that what I was doing was severing my relationship with God. I thought I was loved, that the love I received, although it was distant, was good enough. Then, little by little, I began to give up on these sins. I'd spend as long as I could without doing x, y, and/or z and draw nearer to God. I obviously slipped up because I was trying to do this all on my own. I didn't mean to, but I wasn't all that comfortable asking God for things so I just saw a result and tried my hardest to make my way there. It worked for awhile, until I slipped up. Then, after all that process which could have been months or weeks or days, the guilt of messing up, sliding back into old habits, would eat me up and I would literally open my mouth in frustration and tell God, "Fine, you do it!" I couldn't. No joke, once I confessed that I was unable to stop the sin and ask for His help, He would take away the urge. The difference between when He did it and I did is that it was not even a thought in my mind anymore. I wouldn't long after that old sin because the new feeling of it being absent, was SO MUCH better :) Truthfully! That builds trust, too.
I said this blog was going to be about women though. I get side-tracked! There are so many good things that God does.
This topic though is crazy. My mind has done a complete 180, almost. See, it has been almost three and a half years since I began my search of how women are written about in the Bible. I stopped looking back then when I came to a story in the Old Testament where a man literally offers his daughters up to be raped in order to save the men in the town. I was disgusted. Given my interpretation, I'm sure others would be disgusted too! Well, God revealed something to me. A revelation, if you will. I was reading the story all wrong. The man offered his daughters, but God saved them! The men doing the pillaging didn't even want the girls, they declined this extraordinary offer. Wow! That caught my attention. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know where else I had misinterpreted. I wanted to know how many times God used women to make a point, to make a difference. I wanted to know all the places where God exhibited His love for women. I'm human though. I haven't found them all! I get caught up on sections, I delight in passages for awhile (like Songs of Solomon), and I still get tricked up on some pages. Recently, the distraction came in 1 Timothy 2:9. Check this out:
"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes."
Wow, what Lord? Conduct on how I must dress, let alone be perceived among men? No way! Shut the Bible, move on... Except I can't do that now. I'm in too deep with God to leave it alone. I know He loves me, so He wouldn't command something I am not able to comply with. Truthfully though, when I read this, I started looking up translations in Hebrew and Greek thinking the translators must have gotten it wrong. Nope. That only made it worse. In one translation, "decency" was replaced with "shamefacedness." Seriously, I didn't think I could handle that. But, "God, what would you have me to learn from this?" Now, I'm thinking this: God knows all. Simply put. I might not stop wearing gold or pearls and, in fact, my hair is in a braid right now (it was when I started my reading, I'm not flourishing in rebellion)! However, in the next verse:
10 "but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God."
Yeah. Who am I trying to please? See, God clearly lays out what he views as beautiful. The truth is, if you are anything like me, we are going to look to some source in order to measure our beauty, aren't we? Whether it is by comparing yourself to other women or reading the latest beauty magazine ('Men love rosy lips!'). I'm sick of the 'unequal weights and measures.' I want to look for beauty on the inner being of any women, person, that I meet. I want to see their beauty as God does and I want to see my beauty and measure it on His infallible scale. There is such freedom in that, from a world that can be relentlessly cruel and particular. I'm still working on my soul and my heart and I'm still learning, but I think God is doing wonders in me. I'm so thankful for these times of being able to search His word.
I hope anyone reading can find the answers that you seek. Knowing that God does reveal himself to those who seek and can acknowledge that His way of handling this life is irrefutable and unchanging.
love,
Jenn
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