Writing a book...

I thought it would come easily. Perhaps it's because I didn't know what to expect from the process. I thought I had been given an idea to write a book about what women could do to stay on track, to follow Christ, thereby bypassing all the pain and humiliation that I went through. I thought I could give all of the knowledge I had away, but the more time that goes by, I realize I have very little to write about or at least not enough to write a whole book about. Yet, I feel compelled to not give up. I'm reading about Ezekiel, I'm reading about God's wrath on Jerusalem and Israel against those who have turned away from God, who have broken their covenants with Him, and have turned and done their own things. I don't want to do that, let alone think about all the ways I have once done that in my old life. It is sad to read in Ezekiel how God describes His anger towards Jerusalem,  "an Adulterous Wife."

You see, there is a semblance between God's love for her in her youth and how God felt about me, how He feels about us, as children. He says that He sees her and when she is old enough for love, what does He do? Does He throw her to the world and say, "Learn quickly, dear, how to please those around you in order to succeed? To survive?" NO. He tells her, "I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you...and you became mine"(verse 8).

He protected her. He cared for her in a way so soft and gentle and pure that it seems foreign to my jaded-American mind. I find this sort of romance obscure, and enticing. It is so different from not the love stories of our time, but from our realities. So many of us fell prey to hands who hurt us, into paths we thought we could trust only to be deeply and painfully betrayed. A life so wretched we built up our walls and declared that no one, ever again, would possess the power to hurt us. Maybe, like Jerusalem, we turned into those hurt women who "lavished [your] favors on anyone who passed by and [your] beauty became his." Why? Why would we do this? Is it because we had lost our self-respect all those years and times ago of violence or because we learned by example and the proverb that God quotes is unfortunately still true, "Like mother, like daughter."Maybe it isn't your mother and maybe it wasn't mine, but we are led by example and what we saw was women with loose values and tight clothing and we thought that was the example to live by. But, God has redeemed you and He has redeemed me and He is calling us to a higher life-style.

He never stopped thinking of you as beautiful. In fact, at first He provided you with your beauty, your jewels, your provisions, your clothing, and your fame. "But, you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute." Again, why do we do that sort of thing? I wouldn't be able to have an answer for myself, let alone for everyone. What I do know is that God's love can overcome even our darkest deeds, even the one area in our lives that we would hardly be able to forgive someone else in, betrayal. He does though. By the end of the chapter God promises to restore our fortunes along with our sisters' who have committed similar sins, although they are sins of different natures. He says, "I will remember the covenant I made with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you" (verse 61). All throughout Ezekiel God is raging against the people of Israel and Jerusalem, all to ensure that they will know that He is Lord.

I wondered, at first, why He would do that but when I read this chapter, Chapter 17, I realized how true this story was for me. I had been protected as a small child and favored as a youth and it wasn't until college that I believed that beauty, that attraction, came from somewhere in myself so I began mining a well that was not very deep. In fact, it went dry very quickly and without God, it wasn't being replenished. So, like Jerusalem's sisters, Sodom and Samaria, I found my older, purer sister too good, too matronly and my younger sister too bothersome, too innocent. I shamed myself over and over by seeking lovers who, in God's good plan, would have gone their own ways leaving just one, the right one for me. I got to the point where I could no longer stand. I was alone and weary and needing to renew my covenant with Christ. He came through. He pulled me up from the pit I had so willingly and blindly jumped into. He gently guided me away from shame, from embarrassment and from pain and led me into the arms of my husband. A man who I am learning to trust and who is patient with me. I'm learning to rely on God's promises as well and to know He means it when He says that He will establish a new covenant with us. I want that and I need that and I remember He is the Lord of my life every minute, if not more.

Psalm 51:10

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a clean heart, O God

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

SUBMISSION

What a painful topic this used to be for me. Uncomfortable, after the initial anger. I didn't understand it and I certainly didn't like the way it was being talked about. You can imagine how unexpected it was when I finally saw what God was doing in my life in order to bring the topic full circle for me!

It was the last week in my yearly devotional and so depressing was the book of Ezekiel that I almost gave up on the plan! I had two days more and even still it took me a whole week to complete those small, daily devotionals. I found the destruction and wrath all too much while reading Ezekiel, even though I was easily comforted by the chapter from Luke that happened to follow this section of the reading plan. (It is the Robert Roberts plan that pulls a section from both the Old and New Testament). It wasn't until tonight that I realized how wrong my judgement had been at what God was really trying to teach me.

Isn't that what always happens when we try to skim and then think we have it all figured out? Or when you butt in at the tail-end of a conversation only to realize you have completely misunderstood or gotten the "wrong gist" after you had already interjected? Well, at least it's embarrassing and at most it is just plain rude. I had done that to God, unfortunately. I just told my husband this morning that I thought what God was showing me is that we, indeed, need to hold the New Testament at a special place in our hearts and lives. See, if we choose to value one section of the Bible over another, we are missing out on the complete message and lesson from the Lord and Savior. I needed God to elaborate on this fact, obviously. 

I thought, in my little world, that God wanted to show me how important it is to include the New Testament because without it, where would the message of love and grace be? While, in fact, this might be true, I only now am beginning to realize what a vast and rich mine that topic truly is! I prayed tonight and asked God to show me something, anything more. I was longing for an encounter with Him. I felt dry and lonely. Those are the only words to describe the desire, the ache that we can feel when we need something from God. I began reading where the marker had been placed in my Bible, in Joshua, and while it was interesting, I didn't feel drawn there. So, as I flipped the pages, I began to consider Ezekiel again. In short, the Holy Spirit was guiding me there. In long, I began considering that perhaps I had missed something the first choppy time through the book of Ezekiel. 

There have been other times though when I had read something in the Bible that I did NOT like. Then, in indignation and rebellion, I put the Bible aside and silently fumed, or promised to not return to those pages. Of course, in the heat of the moment with my recent situation, it never occurred to me that old patterns die hard. Here I was, three years later and a slightly more seasoned Christian, experiencing the same rub of offense that had threatened my submission to Christ as it had all that time ago. So, what finally happened to make me reconsider?

I wanted to see what it was all about. I have a slightly deeper relationship with Christ now and I honestly felt led to begin at page one, read through the book, and then see where that got me. I began with the introduction. And this is what it says,

"Ezekiel was a man who chose to obey God." He did as much as lie on the side of his body for more than a year because God requested it of him. Can you imagine? Can I? Well, no, honestly. I can't. I choose to do what I want and to go where I want more often than not and I am not proud about this. I have felt God calling me to ask questions, to say things, to reach out to a friend and on more than one occasion, I have denied and opted out for the comfort of my own safety bubble. It is sad, really, when I think of all that God was calling Ezekiel to do. I realize I do this a lot, too. I took what Ezekiel had to say to the Israelites so personally, that I entirely missed the admirable trait of the man that God had decided to work through. It would have been so unpleasant to go to a land of familiar people and to have to tell them all that God's wrath was coming too, only to realize that the people were beginning to hate him and might even rebel once they heard what Ezekiel had to say. But, God had told him not to fear. He told Ezekiel that as the people rebelled against God, so God would harden Ezekiel to the point of disregarding their disobedience, allowing Ezekiel to excel in his submission to the Lord. It is truly a beautiful thing to read how completely Ezekiel gets blessed by his commitment, too! In one of the first recorded visions in Ezekiel, in Chapter One, Verse 28 this is how Ezekiel describes his encounter with the glory of the Lord. "Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him."

I don't know about you, but the beauty of a rainbow has quite literally stopped me in my tracks before. There is no doubting the effect they have on me. To imagine God's glory like this is exciting. I can only wish that I might also have a similar encounter and now I pray for the obedience and submission that Ezekiel was able to show to God on that day and on every day after. Even when his tasks seemed ridiculous or impossible. That is something I can really look up to and hopefully I'll enjoy doing it. :)

On Pride

When I first began thinking about pride, it became an overwhelming topic that felt more like falling down the rabbit hole than providing any release. Once I became aware of pride in my life, I felt like a surgeon who needed to scalpel out any inclining of pride, or self-worth. I didn't understand what pride was except for a vague notion of it being walking around haughtily and feeling impenetrable. All of those things began to fall out of my life, but it wasn't making me any happier and I sure wasn't living my life more biblically. I believed I was humbling myself, but it was more like denying the person God had created me to be.

While reading in the book of 2 Chronicles, I read about a king named Hezekiah. That's where I'll really begin:

2 Chronicles 24-27.
"In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. He prayed to the Lord, who answered him and gave him a miraculous sign. But Hezekiah's heart was proud and he did not respond to the kindness shown him; therefore the Lord's wrath was on him and on Judah and Jerusalem. Then Hezekiah repented of the pride in his heart, as did the people of Jerusalem; therefore the Lord's wrath did not come on them during the days of Hezekiah. Hezekiah had very great wealth and honor, and he made treasuries for his silver and gold and his precious stones, spices, shields, and all kinds of valuables."

I read that Hezekiah was proud, but I still didn't really grasp what pride was. So, down at the bottom of my Bible there are some helpful notes. I checked them out. It turns out I found this definition,

         "Pride is any attitude that elevates our effort or abilities above God's, or treats with disdain his work in us. It causes us to congratulate ourselves for our successes and to look down on other people."

Wow. What a relief reading that was for me! It gave me a sense of freedom in that I can love what I do, even be happy with the work of my life, but that isn't necessarily pride! As long as I acknowledge that God is the creator, that God makes it possible for all things to be completed or to happen, and that it is God's work in me that has guided me thus far. Additionally, that my accomplishments do not elevate me above the position of anyone else, no matter what, is a great source of joy for me. It makes sense, finally! So, maybe you had this all figured out already, but I am so thankful for the revelation! :)
I hope everyone's day is blessed and prosperous.
Love,
Jenn