Christmas Traditions!

MooI've always been one to love the holidays. If it's Easter, you can bet I'm dying Easter eggs and participating in an Easter egg hunt. On Halloween, I've always dressed up or at the very least attended a ghoulish party. Thanksgiving, which used to be my "favorite" holiday, is an occasion to absolutely see family and cook up a storm in the kitchen. I'm sure you get the idea by now, so you must be thinking, get on with the Christmas traditions already!

That's been the problem this holiday season. I've been living in Texas for the last month and getting into the holiday cheer has been both a tremendous success and simultaneous failure. The bad of it is, I've allowed the loneliness of missing family to creep into my quiet moments and threaten my positive outlook. However, while I miss them indeed, I'm always trying to find the bright side. And on that side, there are many reasons to celebrate!

For starters, this is my first married year living in an apartment with only my husband, my son, and a belly getting ready to explode on January 12th, 2015 with yet another bundle of joy! I can bake when I want, leave dishes until I have time, and pretty much run the household as I see fit. I can also decorate in ways I've been previously unable to do so. And that's precisely what I've been up to.

This has been a Christmas for all new traditions. On a DIY budget I've made a Santa Claus tree topper, snowflakes made from coffee filters, hand painted Christmas cards (which might not make it out), our door is draped in wrapping paper, and I've made one goodie I'd love to make again... brownies with crumbled Christmas candies on top! We still have a week, so there may be more new traditions to come. That's it for now though, so I hope you're enjoying your holiday ad much as I am mine! :)

Tis the season....

...to, work on your marriage. Is it now? Apparently it is for me.
All things are actually going very well, but in my prayer time and my spare time, I'm being led to read things, such as, A Wife After God. It is a devotional by Jennifer Smith. Today was Day One.
To be honest, I wasn't very excited about beginning this devotional again. I've done it twice before and there is NOTHING wrong with it...except that it requires a certain amount of submission to God's will and a lot of self-sacrifice to our husbands and time out of our days to do the reading and the journaling and the praying and the thinking. All of these add up to the perfect reason for not starting until today, which of course was not a very good reason at all, but got me where I am. To be clear, I am sitting in a position quite comfortably because I recognize that I have finally done something good for the inside of me and that God is not mad at me for waiting, but pleased I've finally taken the opportunity to make my "load" lighter.

See, we are all capable of gathering up our own strength to get the job done. I know how to love my husband, I know the actions I could take to express that I love him daily and I definitely know the things to say to show this as true. However, I have these little (sometimes monstrous) things called feelings that get in the way of my love being expressed. And when I'm feeling down, or used, or selfish, or like I am the only one in the world who cares (cares for me, cares for the kids, cares for the house, cares for the daily duties of life)- it gets exponentially harder to express love or gratitude and it looks a little something like this.

     Instead of saying what is nice, I say something horribly wrong. I say mean things. I say "You're wrong" because in my mind I haven't seen him do anything right.

     I go to bed angry, because I'd rather be upset than admit that I was sad, or felt negative emotions (anger somehow escapes that ruling because I control anger-not sadness or loneliness).

     I don't do things I normally have no problem doing, and in fact, typically consider my job. These could be silly and random, such as, hanging up his clothes he has tossed onto the chair, or straightening the living room before I go to bed. The point is, what I refuse to do out of indignation hardly affects my husband at all (he has NEVER mentioned me not doing it and ONLY acknowledges when the cleaning I've done looks good). Instead, it is done out of an ugliness burning in my soul that I somehow expect to share with him indiscriminately and subtly----
                  Which is horrible!
                   But, it's God honest truth.


So, you can see why I probably need to work on things. Which is why we are here. Me starting this devotional for that's right, count it, the third time around and beginning my Bible reading again daily. I started in Ezekiel today for many reasons. Ezekiel will be my son's middle name. When I had Hezekiah, I was obsessed with reading Isaiah and each Psalm rumored to be written by Hezekiah. I couldn't get enough of learning about the man who would share a name with my son. I have the same feeling now as our son, Oliver Ezekiel Cotham, is just one month away from being born. I want to know more about the story in the Bible and how Ezekiel conducted his life. I want to be able to tell my son all about it one day (or probably every million days before he is old enough to tell me "yeah,  Mom, you've told me this a million times").

Anyways, imagine my delight (literally, I was delighted) to find that Ezekiel wasn't just about me wanting to know about my son, but about God wanting to help me AGAIN with my marriage. This verse, in particular, stood out to me:
Ezekiel 2:8 "But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious people; open your mouth and eat what I give you."

Bam! You know what that is? Confirmation. In one little verse, I heard these words over and over, If everyone jumped off a bridge would you? Would you act like a total snob or forget the words of The Lord, just because everyone else was or had forgotten how to walk in it? Unfortunately, I sometimes do. But this was a reminder today that we are not always surrounded with those we feel are edifying or lifting us up (emotionally, spiritually, mentally) but it is OUR OWN responsibility to dig deep, to call on God and spend however long it take seeking Him, until that sense of value, of calm, and reassurance comes back to us and we can, quite literally, start acting more like His children- instead of just flat out, little kids.

Cheers and may your Season be merry- whatever journey you are currently walking it out with.
~Jenn

4 Reasons We Should be Teaching Abstince in Schools

 Abstince is just another way of saying, "Practice Self-Control." Why, in a fast-paced, technology driven society, when any image is at your finger tips and any newest model of this game or that car is just a credit card/loan away, should we teach the very basics of controlling our sexual desires? From a young mother's perspective (relatively young, based on the youth of my children and not necessarily my own), I'll give you four reasons I wish I had been taught in school how to hold off on having sex, rather than how to care for a crying baby doll and a flimsy eggshell baby.

1. We don't need to be taught how to do the bad things, we get into all that mess naturally. How many people have witnessed a mom or dad repeatedly telling their children in a store, "Now, don't touch that" or "Come here, little Johnny, stay by Daddy" or (in a hushed voice), "That isn't nice, we don't say F-A-T." People don't need to be trained to do the wrong* thing, simply because at our wits end we have decided society is too far gone to ever learn to behave. Not even close! In fact, that's a quitter's mentality. We press on, we believe that one day, in fact sooner than later, our little ones will learn to acknowledge wisdom and recognize it upon an encounter. We could teach the wrong* stuff all day, every day, but then we really have no right to be appalled at the outcome of a selfish, morally bankrupt, depressed, and lonely generation, do we?

2. I know what you might be thinking. "I am offended! You kept saying 'the wrong thing,' as in, sex before marriage is wrong!? Well, that's just rude! In fact, it's a matter of opinion."

I couldn't agree more. See above. My opinion, is that we should no longer few sex as something young couples do to see if marriage will in fact be tolerable. Trust me, I've heard it all...

       "How will you know you'll like it for the rest of your life, if you don't test the merchandise?"

         "It's just fun! I wanted to, he wanted to, so we tried it..."

All the way to:

           "So, who drove you to the clinic?" "How long did you have to wait after it happened until you        could have sex again"

To:

           "I told him I thought I was pregnant. I haven't talked to him since."
           "I had to pay for the Plan B pill. It was $45.00. He didn't even care."

Obviously, I could continue, but I won't. There isn't really much more to say. While sex can be "fun" it can also be unsafe, isolating as a female if you deal with a pregnancy alone, sad as a male if you thought she was THE ONE, but she wasn't, etc.

Sex isn't easy to navigate, even as a married couple. Sometimes you hit bumps in the road, but at least you have a partner who was committed enough to plan a wedding with, a life with, who you should know well enough to share your fears, your anxieties, and ultimately, your deepest joys with.
Whoever tells you sex is just sex is a liar. Your deepest emotions are all caught up in that little act, in those sweet moments. Wouldn't it be better to tell our youth the truth about that and ask them to reconsider casual sex for what it is? An attempt to repeatedly rip out your heart and throw it under a bus in some sick game of Russian roulette?

3. One day, you'll get pregnant and, assuming you keep the baby, you'll be a mother or a father. While these times are great and wonderful and could be the best of your life, they will also be tiring, confusing, and down-right emotional. You might it feel like dressing up in some skanky costume once you've given birth to your eight pound child and you might not feel right about having your breasts exposed as pleasurable objects, when you spend the majority of your new life using them as feeding utensils.

Is it okay if I say this? Is it okay if I present the problem with not teaching Abstince as a link to the reason mothers are still feeling pressured to squeeze back into skinny jeans and being paranoid that if they don't start putting out as soon as they recover, their husbands might not start stepping out?
See, if as a youth I'm told, "Since you can't control your urges, here are condoms and here is how to care for an eggshell if you forget the condom," I perceive that sex is bad. I perceive that sex had consequences. I perceive that maybe I shouldn't do it, but if I do....it's not that bad.

But, if I'm told that sex is SO much better when I wait. That if I wait to have sex with my partner until we are financially ready to be married and respectful enough of each other to trust one another and to put the other above our own sexual desire, well then I've learned two very important lessons.
             1. I am important enough to wait for. That no matter how beautiful I am, or even sexy I appear, my heart and my value lie more in what life I can produce eventually, than with this momentary pleasure called sex and
              2. The man I love has already waited once in his life, for however long it took before we were both ready to be married, that in the future, when it takes me one year or six months to start feeling comfortable again as both wife AND momma, I still have no fear that I have his heart and that he would wait for me, for however long it takes, for us to be sexually reunited, in one accord.

4. There is a lot of fear that goes into the approach of sex after children.
"Well, he's ready and technically, so am I...."
"He says he feels forgotten, like number two since the child arrived..."

Let me just say it like this,
A child arrived (if you are married, hence you were taught Abstince) family makes three. It does not make mom and baby         And           dad. No. It makes, Daddy, Mommy, baby 1, baby 2, etc. So where the mommy is tired and feels sexually unenthused, Daddy steps up, takes baby, helps mom rest. When Dad feels overloaded by work, financial responsibilities, Mom can help by cooking at home saving money on meals or anything else they think of. The point is, having children, of done right, will strain Mommy and Daddy. Did we learn that in sex ed? Oh no, because my egg she'll broke in a day and instead of go to jail or divorce my partner, we laughed, got a C and thought "Hey, having a baby with my partner was lots of fun today!"

Beautiful Things: Love Yourself :) (Day 3)

Day Three:

Love Thy Self.

Love thy self. You might be wondering why this is so important. Why would self-love come before so many other Godly principles, especially when this devotional is about God? I believe it is the highest calling to love ourselves as we love our neighbors (inverted). I personally was raised to believe that you aren’t rude to strangers and you always put your best foot forward. You show kindness in public (especially!) and you always say a kind thing (if you have nothing nice to say, stay quiet). These are not bad principles.

But, sometimes you need to say something unkind. Sometimes, you need to know your own needs and feel okay expressing them. Sometimes, you need to know you are loved, highly-favored and a child of God and then step out from there and assert yourself. God doesn’t want doormats, He wants children who will stand up for what is right and make His name known. This means saying what you believe in, even if everyone isn’t or believes in something else. That means not laughing at the inappropriate joke, just because everyone else is. If it is cruel and hurtful to someone else, you don’t need to laugh, you need not conform. Some people know this, they were raised this way and maybe they need to be softened. Maybe they are very comfortable expressing themselves, but have never learned to do it with love, with understanding that all people make mistakes. We can relate in one way or another. But knowing ourselves and what we need to work on is the beginning step to letting God work in us and give us guidance along the way as we begin to see ourselves as He sees us- wonderfully made and beautifully crafted and too precious to be let astray.

Prayer:

Dear God,

Thank you for knowing me and forming me in my mother’s womb. Thank you for spending time crafting me to be so perfect. Thank you that I do not have to compete with another woman or man out there, because we are all precious and beautiful- just like the roses in bloom. I know you desire for me to be free, to be comfortable being me, that even in my faults you have created a masterpiece. I appreciate the quirks in my sense of humor, I acknowledge that time alone with you is really about filling me up with your grace and message, so that all my doubts and insecurities can be erased, Forgive me for doubting your plan or your intentions and please help me on this path, wherever we may go. I love you God and I can see a very beautiful work being done in me.

Amen.

Psalm 139:13-16

“13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.”

Song: Beautiful Things by Gungor

Your Thoughts, Your Changes, Your Progress. (Space for your quiet time with God).

Devotional~ Day Two/ Forgiveness.

Day Two:

Forgiveness.

One of the hardest principles of Christianity for me to understand is forgiveness. To love and to begin trusting God, I believe we must forgive Him for anything we hold against Him (a misunderstanding, a prayer unanswered, or a heart that was torn out and broken) and then forgive ourselves for any and all of the past mistakes in our lives. We must forget where we were going before we came to Christ and begin walking like His beloved children now, highly forgiven and highly favored. We are the apples of His eye and He wants us to know how much He loves and beholds us. 

I am in need of forgiveness so often, on a daily basis, and yet I trust myself to pursue God. I have faith that I will continue on my path of seeking to understand Him and of believing in Him to fix my heart on Him permanently. I never want to go back to the life I once lived. I never want to be in that much pain or darkness, and yet, I am ungrateful and selfish still. How much grace and forgiveness have I been shown, but am still unable to operate in towards others?

He sees me with grace. I flourish under His care and loving arms. How much more for those who I can extend my grace and forgiveness to as well? To be loving and open and honest with them. To establish forgiveness and right standing and to tell them I understand where they are coming from. To withhold my guilt or condemnation because I alone am not perfect. I am not only unworthy of judging, but I am also undeserving of judgment. To forgive myself and others is a higher calling, a Godly principle that benefits us all. In the way of the world, forgiveness might seem foolish. In God's eyes, all He sees is perfection. And I'd like to spend a little more time in that light. I not only want to see people without judgment, but with an active love that sees the best in them-in anyone, all of the time.

My Prayer

Thank you Lord that you do not judge me or personally attack me when I make mistakes. Please help me to be more forgiving and gracious like you, Lord. Please help me to not take everything so seriously or personally, in light of eternity. God, I know sometimes things don’t go my way and I can begin to think negatively. I’m sorry I doubt you and I’m sorry I doubt your love for me. Mostly, I’m sorry for a haughty attitude I can carry with me, especially since it affects how I deal with the rest of your people. Thank you for your forgiveness and your never ending love and kindness. Thank you that today is a new day and that you can renew my soul and give me strength to go out and interact in a way that would make you smile. Amen.

2 Chronicles 33:12-13

“In his distress he sought the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his ancestors. 13) And when he prayed to him,  the Lord was moved by his entreaty and listened to his plea; so he brought him back to Jerusalem and to his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the Lord was God.

Song: At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott

Your Thoughts, Your Changes, Your Progress. (Space for your quiet time with God).

Devotional

  A Road Map 

              The college student's devotional.

Preface

The following devotional was written with the intense desire to serve God and to help people. I have personally gone through what I write about and hope to reach those who can relate. The following twenty-one entries are intended to provide you with an intimate experience with God as you begin your journey with HIm. You may already be walking with God and wish to draw closer, that is alright too. 

Included in every day's entry is a brief discussion of the topic, directly below each heading. I have carefully selected the order in hopes of bringing closure and completeness to this journey. If, for any reason, you feel like jumping around and seeing what lies ahead, please feel free to do so. The order and progression are more of recommendations and with all the information at your fingertips, God is more than able to reach you in any order of this book! 

You'll find a song at the end of each day which I suggest as a tool and starting point for worship and reflection. I enjoy including music in my private time with the Lord, for the most part, and these songs relate in content to the day they are attached to. Again, feel free to make a whole play list with the songs you'll find here and run through it every day you worship. It really doesn't matter, but the tools are here to help you and give you a diving off point.

I leave space at the bottom of each page for you to jot down any notes, if you so desire. At the end of each week is also a section for you to reflect on your journey so far and note any changes you see you've made or any things you might be thankful to God for. I always enjoy journaling while I pray, but then again, I'm a writer. Some people are not so much and that's fine!

The last, and most important, item in the daily devotional is a specific verse or two you can turn to and really let it sink in. I wrote the whole verse out for you because it's good just to see the letters on the page. However, if you have the time and have your Bible handy, please turn to the verse and search the scriptures for more, and more in depth, passages. God is speaking to us constantly and loves revealing His nature through His Word.

May you find what you are looking for and be ever set free in the loving grace of God Almighty. Thank you for taking this journey with me, each step forward is a brave step towards a new beginning. We are never too far gone to be reached and never too clean to not need to be refreshed. 

Day One:

Devotion.

You've obviously picked up this devotional with the intent of drawing closer to God. He asks us to seek Him and to seek Him with all of our hearts. Not half of our hearts, not a quarter portion that we reserve for Wednesday and Sunday church services, but a full-hearted, eager devotion to the Lord. God wants us to pursue Him whole-heartedly, in all avenues of our lives.  

Give up whatever it is that is drawing you away from the throne room of Christ. Let go of whatever is holding you back from getting even closer with God. Maybe you feel exhausted and drained from a busy schedule, and have no idea where to find the time for devotion. Make it. Even five minutes. Trust me, whatever time you give up to meet with God, you'll be rejuvenated and restored to approach the rest of your tasks. It isn't that He wants us isolated and alone, but that He wants to protect our hearts from the things of this world that aim to hurt us. There are so many distractions that, at first, quiet time might feel odd, but eventually it will be helpful in clearing your mind and allowing God to speak to you.

What is holding you back? Is it alcohol? Is it anorexia? Is it pain or depression or are you angry with God? Are you longing to make those feelings go away and start new, start fresh? Seek God and seek God with all of your heart and watch as the hold on your heart is dropped. Enter into His courts with thanksgiving and be amazed by all He has in store for you.

Prayer:

Dear God,

Please help me truly look into myself during these next twenty days. I want to be able to admit where I am falling short and even where I have been hurt, so that you can heal me and make me bolder, stronger than before. I know you want a people who are 

proud of what Jesus Christ has done for us, so that we may show that joy and love to the people of the world who are still enslaved, afraid, and hurting. Please help me find whatever is in me or attacking me (sin, shame, ignorance, etc.) and get rid of it once and for all! I want to be a free individual who can clap and dance and be merry for the light you have placed in my soul. Amen.

Jeremiah 29:13

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Song: Pursuit by Jesus Culture

Your Thoughts, Your Changes, Your Progress. (Space for your quiet time with God).

Unequivocally

God loves unequivocally, all of me- every part of me.
Forget the strands that are barely holding on
or the stains of guilt that are forever pressing on.
I'm clean and rid of all of that,
               Forever in His arms.

I'd like to hide and put shackles on my arms,
I'd like to tell myself I'm the only one that feels that way.
I'd like to forget the pain I caused, or the smiles I sometimes fake,
but inside the noise, the chaos, this lousy ocean,
is the girl you perfectly crafted and I'm formed without mistake.

So, I see me in the mirror, but that is never all of me,
revealed only in our time alone is the beautiful part of me,
The part who prays and will reverently hit my knees,
the part who knows I did nothing wrong,
                    Forever in Your arms.

I'm longing just to stay here and to not be torn away.
My memory and forgetfulness are my constant plagues.
To see the gentleness with which I can approach you,
to see your loving answers and to know that I just know you.

Your beauty and your grace,
although they are not fleeting,
sometimes I doubt their reaches to the anguish I have inside,
but when I run and greet you and throw this world aside,
I am safe and wonderfully made,
              Forever in Your eyes.

These Days.

Remember that song by Rascal Flatts?
Here's the link, in case you forgot:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MTSBcvI9DI

Not much relevance to my life now, but ah, back in the day...this was my jam!
Ha, not sure why, except I LoVeD Rascal Flatts.

"I wake up and tear drops they fall down like rain. I put on that old song, we danced to and then..."
Wow. Those lyrics are actually a lot worse than I remember. In a sense, they make me very grateful for where I am today!
Not looking back on my past and wishing to be there, but trying to engage with my future and understand where I am and where I'm going.

When we look back and think about where we could be and still believe that make-believe path would provide happiness, we are actually constructing our own demise. This demise may look like tear drops in the morning, failure to explore new opportunities, sadness with our environment, bitterness at any attempts of others to cheer us up, or just an all-around depression with our daily lives. We could live there. We could willingly choose to forsake all invasions of sunshine, but what person wants to live that way? There is no glamour in losing out days or even years to remorse and longing. There is no magical spell that will transcend a broken heart and relieve the grief. These are the efforts of hard-work, deliberation, soul-seeking, and humility.

We could live our lives for tomorrow. Always thinking about another day, but what happens to the present? Are you no longer experiencing it fully? Do you no longer look around and appreciate the beautiful shape of the clouds or the light in the sunset? Do you stop enjoying the embrace of the infant in your arms or the spouse laying by your side? Yes, it contradicts our culture to say you can find happiness without changing status or adding  just one more thing. It contradicts our culture because the happiest people in the world aren't rich, they aren't on wall-street, and they aren't chasing dreams of fast cars and big houses. They are looking around themselves, going, "Ah, so this is what pretty good means."

*With God all things are possible.
*The joy of the Lord is my strength.
*I will live to enjoy the light.

I hope all of us can live to enjoy these days, no mater the path we've been on before today. The way is not always easy and it surely isn't clear. But, we have something worth living for and that is pure joy. If you want happiness, you may have it. The Bible tells us to seek and you will find, to ask and it will be given. This isn't the request of a magic genie, but a simple plead to know yourself. What are you really looking for? A car that will eventual break and debt to hang above your ears for the rest of your life? Or a moment of happiness that tells you that all of the longing, all of the pain, all of the crap you've experienced, those are the things you don't need.

So, you want to escape? Okay, go ahead. Get on your knees and pray. Pray for God to fill you up with something so amazing you'll keep coming back for more and more.

A Mother's Love

"While we all can't raise messiahs, even regular boys can occasionally bring an angelic smile to a tired mom's face."
-Gary Thomas, Sacred Parenting
I can only try to explain how gingerly this phrase touched my heart as I sat skimming  the pages and my son sat only inches away from me. He was playing with some toy, but is learning to walk so I can't keep my eyes off him for long. He scoots around everything, holding on to this or that only to forget he is solely responsible for his safety now. He is getting too big for mom to carry everywhere, even though I want to at times. I want him to develop his sense of independence and strength.

I am exhausted though. Only a week ago, my husband and I discovered we were expecting another bundle of joy. Thrilled beyond words, I lie awake at night and think of all the possibilities that life now holds. Will it be a boy or a girl? Will my son have a brother to explore everything with or a sister he will one day long to protect? Will I be the mommy of two cute, challenging sons who push me to decide what kind of woman I will be-the disciplining kind or the deferring to Dad type? Will it be a sweet little girl who keeps me attentive while my son draws naturally closer to his father as they bond in the way only a son and father can? Will I be the mom, the wife, the person, the woman, the friend, the sister, the aging me only I know I can be?
I look at my son so often during the days, longing to see a cheer in his eye, to know he is at peace in his discoveries and his surroundings. My intentions are to protect him, to raise him to be confident, well-loved, highly favored, gracious, smart, kind, joyful, and bold. He is my one and only, for now. When his sibling comes, I know many things will change.

For one, Hezekiah will not have all the time he and I are used to. This time will be shared, at first unfairly with his new baby sister or brother. I will no longer be a mother devoted to one son, but a mother so busy with two children that I often brush my teeth with my hairbrush and curl my hair with the eyelash curler! I am envisioning a day where my love is shared, but not divided. There is no such thing as divided love. I know that because I have seen it played out. First with my husband, then with my family, and again with my son. I see that God loves us all equally, even if we don't understand it. What one person has, another may not. It isn't because God loves one of us less, but because He loves each of us uniquely. He sees the ways in which we are different and special and He loves those very special hearts. I pray to God I have this love for my children. That He fills me up with the energy, the strength, and the purity to always open my heart and my eyes to my children's needs and wants and the desires of their hearts.

What is going on?

Is life free falling? Is it an escapade made to be explored? Is it an activity center, you try a little, seeing where you might succeed or fail? Or is it a never ending climb to the top? I don't even know anymore...
That wasn't exactly how I meant to begin, I'm just, I haven't used my sea legs in awhile.
I want to write, desperately. I lose myself in my writing. Time stops, I am separate from my being and yet, I am wholly completely myself. I want to be this way. To start over, to dream big, to let God take me where ever He wishes without the fear of failure. Like the song, Oceans. Spirit lead me where my feet would never wander and my faith would be made stronger... Lord I will call upon your name... I don't want to be devoid of these hopes, of this faith, of that dream. That I would one day end up exactly where He was calling and I would not have missed a thing. "Living the dream," they say. Boy, how differently do our dreams look, I would say.
Not one of grandeur or pomp. No. It would be simple. A cottage (think Matilda's teacher's), children, plants, cookies, coffee(!), ... yes please, that would be it. Living the dream. Where none of the b.s. found it's way into our lives. I mean, how many times are you pissed of in your dreams? Not often. Mostly, I'm bewildered. Emotions can get the best of us, can't they?
Anyways, back to the dream. I'd be writing. I'd be writing and say, "Does this sound good?" Or maybe I should change a line here or there. But then, we always come back to reality, don't we? Because if we lived off in the county or in a village, where would my husband work? I guess we'd figure it out...He'd probably work at home with me, creating some little hobby that we could sell and live on, too! That would really be something, wouldn't it? I guess we'll still have to see!

Matthew 9:9-13

If Jesus came for the sinners, why are we all trying so hard to change? He loves us as we are, and yet, we are all desperately trying to do better, be better. It doesn't make any sense and it's killing me!

God calls me to be like Him. To love others, to love myself, so I guess I pretty much need to start there. What does it look like to love myself? It looks like me being kind. It looks like me being aware of when I'm hurting, when I'm stressed, and when I'm getting frazzeled being repair. I need to slow down and accept that I'm not one of those people who can go, go, go. Even though I want to be. I do things a little more slowly, and that's okay. I also go out of my way to help people, and that's okay too. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, just lovable, for me and anyone else practicing the Christian faith.

I think what Jesus was looking for in the sinners was their dedication to him. See, they knew how far they had fallen. They were willing to get back up and to keep plugging along. They had experienced restoration in their lives and they wanted to show it to the world. We should be like this. We can be like that.

He is calling us into a world that doesn't know they are lovable. My mission is to show the world how lovable they are, and why? Why does it matter if we know, or they know, how truly loved they are and can be? Because that type of love is transforming. It changes us from the inside out. When I begin to realize that God accepts and loves me precisely as I am, AND that He wants me to love me in the same way! I'm changed. I'm awed. I'm incredibly humbled because to me, I see nothing special in myself, and that's okay. I can see God reflected in me, I can see the love and growth He has planted there, instead of the weeds that were strangling out any form of life that used to live there. I've been through a lot in the last 26 years and I can honestly say I'm stronger today than I ever was back then. I've learned a lot and grown so much over the past few years and I am so thankful that God continues loving me. Even when I haven't always been the person I should have been or could have been. He was waiting, in grace, for me to return to Him. No pressure, just loving arms open wide. I want to be that way to the world also. A symbol of God's grace and loving presence. That is what it's all about, after all.

But, why love? What is so special about love and the absence of hate? What is so transforming about coming to the world, as Jesus did, and dining with the sinners? Is it because in a world that tells you everything is acceptable, if you really go "too far," at some point they stop accepting you? If you start drinking in college, everyone loves you. They love being around you, partying with you, hanging out with you, getting drunk with you. But what happens when they've forgotten your name, you can't pay your bills, and the only person you want to blame is staring at you through the mirror? Then, there's Jesus. There's God. There is someone telling you that everything will be okay. That He still loves you. That He never grew tired of you or too weary to carry your load. Just open you arms and accept Him and that's all He's asking you to do. The rest is really up to Him, to change you from the inside out as He begins loving you and expressing how deeply and truly special you are to Him. It's a wonderful thing and a beautiful way to live your life.


Matthew 9:12 "On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13) But go and learn what this means" 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."