Two things, two books:
Thinking, Fast and Slow
and
Technopoly by Neil Postman.
I have some ideas going on here. Referring firstly to the second book, awhile ago it was my idea to write a fictional story about the dangers of technology. I might still want to, but I went to the library day to do some research. I found many books, started with Technopoly. So far, my favorite idea, or the one I remember now, is to change the premise of my fictional book to a government conspiracy that causes all computers to crash and the distortion, and restoration, that ensues!
We'll see. It is always nice for me to read a book that seems to capture my thoughts, to say to me, "You are not alone in that opinion." It can be nice, as I often feel isolated in my thoughts, perhaps because I am unable to accurately, or engagingly, express them.
More on these later... I need to switch to writing in my D____ for all the other menial details of my day =P
Saturday, January 28, 2012
you know how it is...
One day you realize that the life you are living isn't quite the life you want it to be... not in big, grandiose ways, but the little things..the ins and outs, so it seems. That's what happened to me today. It isn't the first time, though. It just so happens that this happens a lot. Truthfully, this is really difficult for me to write about because I'm aware that if approached at even the slightest of crooked angles it may seem like I am complaining- I'm not. Let's leave it at that.
The point is there are some things in my life I never had the chance to say and I want to get them off of my chest. Maybe I'll say them someday.
1) I'm sorry. I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to _____. I don't have the money, I don't have the security, I don't want to make another decision without a complete plan to accommodate it because the last time I did that was a big no-no and the people I love and trust and had to take care of me, not to mention my own realizations upon reflecting on past occasions, made the impression on me that my rash decisions would get me into trouble. I'm sorry for not calling, I took the easy way out and it felt better than confronting you, but I still feel bad about it.
2) See if anyone else is going to make you the home-made gifts that I once made for you. I'm so sick of feeling like that break-up was my fault. I can't believe you were lying to me for so much of the time. I was stupid to think that telling the truth would get us back together. I'm glad it is out in the open because maybe it will keep us from making anymore mistakes.
I think that's it for now. I just wanted those things off of my chest. It feels better.
One more thing: I think there are two kinds of people, those who live their lives to be seen by others and those who live their lives as though no one else is watching. Albeit, some may facilitate between the two, gathering strength from one perspective and sanctuary from trying out the other. I think I'm the latter, but at some point I was the first. It seems with time, maybe change in company, I've become the one that nobody wants to see (2nd group) and I'm trying to be okay with that... or I was trying. But I wasn't born that way. For so long I wanted to be seen. I wanted to show who I was, I wanted to inspire, I wanted to encourage, to make smile, but then everything got so confusing. I was trying to make smile and men got the wrong impression, I was trying to encourage and came across as condescending and then I lost my faith completely. I lost who I was because I was trying to be something I wasn't, for way too long. Now I'm trying to figure out who that girl was exactly and how I can be her in this adult, strictly limiting world. I don't even know that that makes sense, but it does to me. It means a place where the lines are clearly defined and mostly enforced by etiquette, laws, circumstances, etc. As a kid, teen, young adult I didn't adhere to them and I got into a fair amount of trouble. I lived as if the rules didn't apply to me and in my wake I left ruined hearts, broken promises and all around pain for myself. So, I'm trying to live peacefully, happily and figure out what kind of position that puts me into now. What can I still do that won't cross any lines? What behavior is still acceptable? How crazy can I be without going overboard? Do you know what that insanity is doing to me??? I feel like I have no idea what my right is from my left, I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one, it is driving me absolutely crazy? As a high school graduate I sought college as my destination for independence. I needed to make my own decisions and figure out their consequences for myself, not based on what my mom and the church preached would happen or what it meant about me. Sure, I experienced a fair amount of shame, loneliness and, as I mentioned, pain. God, sometimes it hurt so badly. Yet, at other times, the freedom made my heart sing in a way that I could never replace, in ways that I catch glimpses of now and long for them to last forever. Complete happiness, ease, peace, joy...it's incredible. I'm longing for a time when those moments are the norm and not the exception. Can that really be? Could I put myself in a situation where instead of chasing rainbows, I am encouraging others that they too could have their own personal dose of happiness? I can't wait for that. I have no idea what it looks like, but I'm fairly sure I'm setting myself up for success. I have been through quite a lot and I know what it looks like to spiral downwards, not that I think I'm strong enough to resist those temptations on my own. I have made too many mistakes thinking I could handle it all. To be honest though I am at that place where I need to find a balance between what is right and good and what is my own life, my own source of independence, making my own way, spreading my wings and taking flight. I pray for the guidance to find that and the strength and perseverance to follow through. Amen and thank you.
The point is there are some things in my life I never had the chance to say and I want to get them off of my chest. Maybe I'll say them someday.
1) I'm sorry. I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to _____. I don't have the money, I don't have the security, I don't want to make another decision without a complete plan to accommodate it because the last time I did that was a big no-no and the people I love and trust and had to take care of me, not to mention my own realizations upon reflecting on past occasions, made the impression on me that my rash decisions would get me into trouble. I'm sorry for not calling, I took the easy way out and it felt better than confronting you, but I still feel bad about it.
2) See if anyone else is going to make you the home-made gifts that I once made for you. I'm so sick of feeling like that break-up was my fault. I can't believe you were lying to me for so much of the time. I was stupid to think that telling the truth would get us back together. I'm glad it is out in the open because maybe it will keep us from making anymore mistakes.
I think that's it for now. I just wanted those things off of my chest. It feels better.
One more thing: I think there are two kinds of people, those who live their lives to be seen by others and those who live their lives as though no one else is watching. Albeit, some may facilitate between the two, gathering strength from one perspective and sanctuary from trying out the other. I think I'm the latter, but at some point I was the first. It seems with time, maybe change in company, I've become the one that nobody wants to see (2nd group) and I'm trying to be okay with that... or I was trying. But I wasn't born that way. For so long I wanted to be seen. I wanted to show who I was, I wanted to inspire, I wanted to encourage, to make smile, but then everything got so confusing. I was trying to make smile and men got the wrong impression, I was trying to encourage and came across as condescending and then I lost my faith completely. I lost who I was because I was trying to be something I wasn't, for way too long. Now I'm trying to figure out who that girl was exactly and how I can be her in this adult, strictly limiting world. I don't even know that that makes sense, but it does to me. It means a place where the lines are clearly defined and mostly enforced by etiquette, laws, circumstances, etc. As a kid, teen, young adult I didn't adhere to them and I got into a fair amount of trouble. I lived as if the rules didn't apply to me and in my wake I left ruined hearts, broken promises and all around pain for myself. So, I'm trying to live peacefully, happily and figure out what kind of position that puts me into now. What can I still do that won't cross any lines? What behavior is still acceptable? How crazy can I be without going overboard? Do you know what that insanity is doing to me??? I feel like I have no idea what my right is from my left, I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one, it is driving me absolutely crazy? As a high school graduate I sought college as my destination for independence. I needed to make my own decisions and figure out their consequences for myself, not based on what my mom and the church preached would happen or what it meant about me. Sure, I experienced a fair amount of shame, loneliness and, as I mentioned, pain. God, sometimes it hurt so badly. Yet, at other times, the freedom made my heart sing in a way that I could never replace, in ways that I catch glimpses of now and long for them to last forever. Complete happiness, ease, peace, joy...it's incredible. I'm longing for a time when those moments are the norm and not the exception. Can that really be? Could I put myself in a situation where instead of chasing rainbows, I am encouraging others that they too could have their own personal dose of happiness? I can't wait for that. I have no idea what it looks like, but I'm fairly sure I'm setting myself up for success. I have been through quite a lot and I know what it looks like to spiral downwards, not that I think I'm strong enough to resist those temptations on my own. I have made too many mistakes thinking I could handle it all. To be honest though I am at that place where I need to find a balance between what is right and good and what is my own life, my own source of independence, making my own way, spreading my wings and taking flight. I pray for the guidance to find that and the strength and perseverance to follow through. Amen and thank you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
If you're like me..
If you're like me than you have been bordering on depression for the last two years. It isn't clinical depression and I probably don't need to be on twenty-four hour supervision. I call my symptoms as I see them: first, it seems I sometimes have a bad case of ungreatfulness. Sure, that meal was great and a majority of people around the world are starving to death or living on TWO (really picture this) TWO food staples all year long (meaning, rice and fish, breakfast, lunch and dinner). Yet, my meal had "Too many preservatives!" And then there is the self-loathing stage. This one is multi-layered. See, we live in a two-dimensional world. One that infiltrates us with images of beautiful people and fashion and money, yet my neighbors wear sizes 18s and 20s and are "hard-working Americans." We are taught to be slim and quick-witted, not caring and humble. Which leads me to the next problem, are we all really okay with the inhumane treatment of cows, chickens and pigs that is happening on farms and in coops around the United States. Granted, I have never been to one of these institutions, but I either believe them or I start suspecting that a conspiracy theory was invented to create unrest among the citizens in hopes of finally causing a revolution to thwart the corrupt capitalist society in which we live.
I'm not unusual in most other things, that's why I'm asking, am I alone? If not, what am I supposed to do in order to live with myself better? I see all the cars going down the freeway and part of me wants one. Part of me says, "Hey! I want the top down in my own jeep!" And then another part of myself repels in sadness? Anger? First of all, I can't afford any car I want thanks to my pile of student loans that has so far gotten me no where in life, but I also have been warned for years about the effects of pollution. Do I really need to feel bad about not being able to avoid public warnings? I look around and see "everyone else driving," but I'm not one for social norms. I just don't understand how to live in this grey world. So little things are black and white, and I should probably be thankful that they aren't... I don't always want my water expenditure calculated because sometimes I do let my showers flow on and on and I have, lately, been using a fair amount of electricity, I'm just wondering if I am the only who is sick from over-looking the messages of animal cruelty, the lack of compassion for LIVING creatures, for convenience's sake and maximum financial output? I'm looking for a solution, much like the author of Omnivore's Dilemma was. He went around hunting a boar and picking minerals off of deposit sites in the San Francisco Bay, all to produce his own meal. Although that would certainly put my mind at ease as far as disregarding a superficial lifestyle, I need a job and I wouldn't be able to sustain those eating habits. Nor, do I want to. Sometimes I want to go to the local restaurant and get an "authentic" burrito. I also want to know that the chicken I'm eating wasn't tortured for it's short, miserable existence.
All in all, I enjoyed the book. Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.
I'm not unusual in most other things, that's why I'm asking, am I alone? If not, what am I supposed to do in order to live with myself better? I see all the cars going down the freeway and part of me wants one. Part of me says, "Hey! I want the top down in my own jeep!" And then another part of myself repels in sadness? Anger? First of all, I can't afford any car I want thanks to my pile of student loans that has so far gotten me no where in life, but I also have been warned for years about the effects of pollution. Do I really need to feel bad about not being able to avoid public warnings? I look around and see "everyone else driving," but I'm not one for social norms. I just don't understand how to live in this grey world. So little things are black and white, and I should probably be thankful that they aren't... I don't always want my water expenditure calculated because sometimes I do let my showers flow on and on and I have, lately, been using a fair amount of electricity, I'm just wondering if I am the only who is sick from over-looking the messages of animal cruelty, the lack of compassion for LIVING creatures, for convenience's sake and maximum financial output? I'm looking for a solution, much like the author of Omnivore's Dilemma was. He went around hunting a boar and picking minerals off of deposit sites in the San Francisco Bay, all to produce his own meal. Although that would certainly put my mind at ease as far as disregarding a superficial lifestyle, I need a job and I wouldn't be able to sustain those eating habits. Nor, do I want to. Sometimes I want to go to the local restaurant and get an "authentic" burrito. I also want to know that the chicken I'm eating wasn't tortured for it's short, miserable existence.
All in all, I enjoyed the book. Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Muses. (Closer to home than previously thought).
You gave me hope tonight
I don't know if you know it.
You had no need to do it
yet your gentle words and the surety of your voice
were like the hand that wipes away my tears
and the run that reminds me of my absence of years.
I remember who you are and I know who you are supposed to be.
That is the problem with suppositions,
they leave little room for actual knowing.
The truth is I know little of who you are,
but I'd like to learn it, I'd like to listen.
You invited me into your heart so many times and I couldn't understand.
I have another chance now, at least I think I do,
and my only hope is to be able to show you how beautiful you are.
I don't want to be demeaning and it isn't that you give me a reason
I just want you to know it, it is the only gift I can give,
to give you a reflection of all your beauty within.
I don't know if you know it.
You had no need to do it
yet your gentle words and the surety of your voice
were like the hand that wipes away my tears
and the run that reminds me of my absence of years.
I remember who you are and I know who you are supposed to be.
That is the problem with suppositions,
they leave little room for actual knowing.
The truth is I know little of who you are,
but I'd like to learn it, I'd like to listen.
You invited me into your heart so many times and I couldn't understand.
I have another chance now, at least I think I do,
and my only hope is to be able to show you how beautiful you are.
I don't want to be demeaning and it isn't that you give me a reason
I just want you to know it, it is the only gift I can give,
to give you a reflection of all your beauty within.
I hear it.
I hear this voice inside myself telling me I'm not dead yet.
To back it up, he gives me proof.
It is the touch of her head on my arm at night.
She knocked gently, said she didn't want to cry.
I said alright.
We laid that way for a little while and then laughed so hard I thought I felt myself,
the old me, coming back?
I don't look back anymore, the pillar of salt thing,
instead I want to be a Sarah, I want to laugh at the Good news,
even if He has to slightly reprimand me.
I'm lying to myself if I say my memory fails me, but I'm getting better at forgiving.
Forgiving another has never felt better.
Forgive another the way I want Him to forgive me, completely. Sure.
How else would I want it to be?
Everything I feared has gone away, I'd actually love to hear what the old me had to say.
Was I scared? Was I hurt? Well, yeah. Did I waste time? Yea. Will everything I've been through come back to complete me. I think so.
God, only you know the strength within.
Only you know the me I was meant to be
You have changed my life so completely.
Oddly, I'm once more like the old me.
This is the way I think I was meant to be.
To keep going, to believe that once before you held me.
To believe that I will only succeed, all the while getting to know you better too.
Can it really be? Can I really be so lucky?
To back it up, he gives me proof.
It is the touch of her head on my arm at night.
She knocked gently, said she didn't want to cry.
I said alright.
We laid that way for a little while and then laughed so hard I thought I felt myself,
the old me, coming back?
I don't look back anymore, the pillar of salt thing,
instead I want to be a Sarah, I want to laugh at the Good news,
even if He has to slightly reprimand me.
I'm lying to myself if I say my memory fails me, but I'm getting better at forgiving.
Forgiving another has never felt better.
Forgive another the way I want Him to forgive me, completely. Sure.
How else would I want it to be?
Everything I feared has gone away, I'd actually love to hear what the old me had to say.
Was I scared? Was I hurt? Well, yeah. Did I waste time? Yea. Will everything I've been through come back to complete me. I think so.
God, only you know the strength within.
Only you know the me I was meant to be
You have changed my life so completely.
Oddly, I'm once more like the old me.
This is the way I think I was meant to be.
To keep going, to believe that once before you held me.
To believe that I will only succeed, all the while getting to know you better too.
Can it really be? Can I really be so lucky?
This sucks.
Who were you to stop my dreams?
Who was I to let you?
It all got so confusing,
I was listening to my heart,
but not counting on the unpredictable.
Everyone has something to say
and everyone knows best
I thought I was smart to listen
I've never done everything they've done.
I lost myself that way
and now I have to pay.
I felt guilty for not adhering
I feel worse for not following through
the problem is,
I'm still confused without you.
Who was I to let you?
It all got so confusing,
I was listening to my heart,
but not counting on the unpredictable.
Everyone has something to say
and everyone knows best
I thought I was smart to listen
I've never done everything they've done.
I lost myself that way
and now I have to pay.
I felt guilty for not adhering
I feel worse for not following through
the problem is,
I'm still confused without you.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Book Club
There is this part of me that will never give up hope of being a part of or starting my own book club. I love reading, I want to discuss books with others, so it seems like the best. Then again, I like to savor my own ideas. Nah, I'd like to share them. I think it would be a good way to connect. Maybe I'll start my own? We could meet at a local Starbucks or park?? Just planning!
This was brought on because I finished We All Fall Down by Nic Sheff today. It was written the way we might understand the author would be speaking, with all of the "uh's and fuck off's." It wasn't all poetic and descriptive, but it was breath-catching. It was real and I found myself crying, or close to tears, durign the last ten or so chapters of the book. It was relatable and I loved it and I thank God for the opportunity of stumbling on it. Anyways, whatever comes from it, I'm thankful he shared his story because it meant a lot to me.
Today is the first time I will post in the year 2012! Very strange, considering many people believed and/or believe this will be the last year of our existence. I don't know about all of that. I'm just trying to live for any amount of time I have left. I haven't been doing very much over the last few weeks. I finished school, moved home, spent Christmas and New Year's with my family and now... well, now I'm bored. I'm trying to figure out what exactly should be my next move, but I'm not there yet. I know I need a job. I need a car of my own and eventually a place of my own. Is it so bad that I am happy where I am right now though? My life is great and I just want to take it step by step. I can't even apply for CSUSB Credential program for a few months. I need to study for the CBEST so I can hopefully start substitute teaching. I'm going to church, I'm writing a little bit, I'm being a part of my family, I'm learning to live in this life style for a bit before I go rushing off on anymore adventures. Thank God that that all feels okay for now. I can't wait to see the next stages though!
I guess that's all for now, better go walk the dog before she goes stir-crazy. I'll write soon, maybe after my next book. This cyber world of anonymity and disillusion can become my audience until I come up with a different solution.
Here's to a blessed day! ~Jenn
This was brought on because I finished We All Fall Down by Nic Sheff today. It was written the way we might understand the author would be speaking, with all of the "uh's and fuck off's." It wasn't all poetic and descriptive, but it was breath-catching. It was real and I found myself crying, or close to tears, durign the last ten or so chapters of the book. It was relatable and I loved it and I thank God for the opportunity of stumbling on it. Anyways, whatever comes from it, I'm thankful he shared his story because it meant a lot to me.
Today is the first time I will post in the year 2012! Very strange, considering many people believed and/or believe this will be the last year of our existence. I don't know about all of that. I'm just trying to live for any amount of time I have left. I haven't been doing very much over the last few weeks. I finished school, moved home, spent Christmas and New Year's with my family and now... well, now I'm bored. I'm trying to figure out what exactly should be my next move, but I'm not there yet. I know I need a job. I need a car of my own and eventually a place of my own. Is it so bad that I am happy where I am right now though? My life is great and I just want to take it step by step. I can't even apply for CSUSB Credential program for a few months. I need to study for the CBEST so I can hopefully start substitute teaching. I'm going to church, I'm writing a little bit, I'm being a part of my family, I'm learning to live in this life style for a bit before I go rushing off on anymore adventures. Thank God that that all feels okay for now. I can't wait to see the next stages though!
I guess that's all for now, better go walk the dog before she goes stir-crazy. I'll write soon, maybe after my next book. This cyber world of anonymity and disillusion can become my audience until I come up with a different solution.
Here's to a blessed day! ~Jenn
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