One day you realize that the life you are living isn't quite the life you want it to be... not in big, grandiose ways, but the little things..the ins and outs, so it seems. That's what happened to me today. It isn't the first time, though. It just so happens that this happens a lot. Truthfully, this is really difficult for me to write about because I'm aware that if approached at even the slightest of crooked angles it may seem like I am complaining- I'm not. Let's leave it at that.
The point is there are some things in my life I never had the chance to say and I want to get them off of my chest. Maybe I'll say them someday.
1) I'm sorry. I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to _____. I don't have the money, I don't have the security, I don't want to make another decision without a complete plan to accommodate it because the last time I did that was a big no-no and the people I love and trust and had to take care of me, not to mention my own realizations upon reflecting on past occasions, made the impression on me that my rash decisions would get me into trouble. I'm sorry for not calling, I took the easy way out and it felt better than confronting you, but I still feel bad about it.
2) See if anyone else is going to make you the home-made gifts that I once made for you. I'm so sick of feeling like that break-up was my fault. I can't believe you were lying to me for so much of the time. I was stupid to think that telling the truth would get us back together. I'm glad it is out in the open because maybe it will keep us from making anymore mistakes.
I think that's it for now. I just wanted those things off of my chest. It feels better.
One more thing: I think there are two kinds of people, those who live their lives to be seen by others and those who live their lives as though no one else is watching. Albeit, some may facilitate between the two, gathering strength from one perspective and sanctuary from trying out the other. I think I'm the latter, but at some point I was the first. It seems with time, maybe change in company, I've become the one that nobody wants to see (2nd group) and I'm trying to be okay with that... or I was trying. But I wasn't born that way. For so long I wanted to be seen. I wanted to show who I was, I wanted to inspire, I wanted to encourage, to make smile, but then everything got so confusing. I was trying to make smile and men got the wrong impression, I was trying to encourage and came across as condescending and then I lost my faith completely. I lost who I was because I was trying to be something I wasn't, for way too long. Now I'm trying to figure out who that girl was exactly and how I can be her in this adult, strictly limiting world. I don't even know that that makes sense, but it does to me. It means a place where the lines are clearly defined and mostly enforced by etiquette, laws, circumstances, etc. As a kid, teen, young adult I didn't adhere to them and I got into a fair amount of trouble. I lived as if the rules didn't apply to me and in my wake I left ruined hearts, broken promises and all around pain for myself. So, I'm trying to live peacefully, happily and figure out what kind of position that puts me into now. What can I still do that won't cross any lines? What behavior is still acceptable? How crazy can I be without going overboard? Do you know what that insanity is doing to me??? I feel like I have no idea what my right is from my left, I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one, it is driving me absolutely crazy? As a high school graduate I sought college as my destination for independence. I needed to make my own decisions and figure out their consequences for myself, not based on what my mom and the church preached would happen or what it meant about me. Sure, I experienced a fair amount of shame, loneliness and, as I mentioned, pain. God, sometimes it hurt so badly. Yet, at other times, the freedom made my heart sing in a way that I could never replace, in ways that I catch glimpses of now and long for them to last forever. Complete happiness, ease, peace, joy...it's incredible. I'm longing for a time when those moments are the norm and not the exception. Can that really be? Could I put myself in a situation where instead of chasing rainbows, I am encouraging others that they too could have their own personal dose of happiness? I can't wait for that. I have no idea what it looks like, but I'm fairly sure I'm setting myself up for success. I have been through quite a lot and I know what it looks like to spiral downwards, not that I think I'm strong enough to resist those temptations on my own. I have made too many mistakes thinking I could handle it all. To be honest though I am at that place where I need to find a balance between what is right and good and what is my own life, my own source of independence, making my own way, spreading my wings and taking flight. I pray for the guidance to find that and the strength and perseverance to follow through. Amen and thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment