Sorting it out...

What a jumbled mess.
How completely simple, yet utterly complex.
The chords of our hearts may hide plainly in sight,
yet to ourselves, the feelings are more than unknown.
I'm seeking for  a way to remember who it is I am supposed to be,
where is the little girl that has now become me?
and who is this now who can't remember who I used to be?
Gathering insight from memory and basing it all on reflection:
where did I go wrong and in what area do I continue messing up in?

There she is: I see me!
I'm happy and twirling and the definition of carefree.
I'm happy and secure and not at all worried.
I hit middle school and suddenly life becomes so confusing.
Everyone around me is striving and so naturally
I feel the weight and the pressure and a side of me begins to run.
I felt invisible to those who loved me,
who was I really?
A girl who filled a position, who had needs that were hardly met and when they were it was because I had caused a fit.
Needy. That was me. Needing love, and a ride, needing dinner, not too much time.
Needing a family, a signature, nothing too much but obviously not enough. I hate this view of me, so fast forward to my high school years, a different girl entirely.
The selfish years.
More independent, not asking for a lot.
No more giving either. What I had, I got and so to give seemed like everyone was asking quite a lot.
An amount I could never fulfill, the problem was obviously that my pains went unhealed.
Was I loved by my family? Probably not. Did I cause more problems than I should have? Yes. Or so I thought.
I stayed out of their way, I went to church and I prayed, I found love in a boy, stayed busy enough to not have to understand. My life was a gift, not something to run from, but when I was home I felt defeated and for that reason I desired to leave it.
I ran away to a school pretty far from my home and I finally felt freedom.
I fell in love with the life-style of making all of my own decisions. I needed a break and would go home, but was quick to return, my life was my own, just like I had dreamed it.
I was on my way to becoming something great, except for along the way God had His say.
He said, "Look around you. Do you really feel happy? You are quite selfish and you are living without Me."
I thought to myself, "What on Earth does He mean? I'm quite nice to these strangers and besides I am busy."
Busy reading and writing and filling my time. Falling further from family, from God and from joy. Walking dangerously close to the edge with a drink, a drug and a boy. Never knowing that having a moment of pleasure was risking my chances of dying for ever.
And so now when I sit and think of my life, I thank God I am living for something so bright as His love and I can't get enough.
I traded in all my vices and I'm watching as my life is
completely transformed, I only need to learn more,
I'm letting the world back in, a little bit more,
still struggling with selfish desires and fears, but in the stillness I hear,
"I'll never leave you nor forsake you. Ask Me, I'm here. The desires of your heart are granted to bring glory to God."
So, I'll press on because I believe Him.
Not for today or tomorrow or only a season,
but for life.
It's such a different life too than I ever imagined,
but I see me.
I'm dancing and twirling and I'm fully convinced
that as I seek Him, I'll find Him
that His love and His joy will overwhelm me
so that I will shine brightly to a world that once hurt me and show them a love from a God who is so deserving of my praise and my thanks for all the pain He takes away. I'm not saying a sin was never committed or that my way is perfect.
I'm saying He is the lamp unto my feet and this new way of walking is one-hundred percent, totally, completely worth it.http://www.facebook.com/lookup4change

So handsome, yet humble
honest and true.
I thank God that I met
someone as tender as you,
to speak into my heart and
to make me feel bold-
a love no longer lost
nor a story untold.

With you by my side,
I want to be brave,
to tell the world about Jesus-
how he rose from the grave
and how he took someone like me
and gave them to you.

The odds weren't in our favor,
but somehow we knew.
God doesn't give
what we are unable to handle.
He doesn't speak into our lives
or our hearts just to gamble
He told you you could trust me
and He helped me see your strength.
So I thank God every day
for the beauty He makes.new blog!