...to, work on your marriage. Is it now? Apparently it is for me.
All things are actually going very well, but in my prayer time and my spare time, I'm being led to read things, such as, A Wife After God. It is a devotional by Jennifer Smith. Today was Day One.
To be honest, I wasn't very excited about beginning this devotional again. I've done it twice before and there is NOTHING wrong with it...except that it requires a certain amount of submission to God's will and a lot of self-sacrifice to our husbands and time out of our days to do the reading and the journaling and the praying and the thinking. All of these add up to the perfect reason for not starting until today, which of course was not a very good reason at all, but got me where I am. To be clear, I am sitting in a position quite comfortably because I recognize that I have finally done something good for the
inside of me and that God is not mad at me for waiting, but pleased I've finally taken the opportunity to make my "load" lighter.
See, we are all capable of gathering up our own strength to get the job done. I know
how to love my husband, I know the actions I could take to express that I love him daily and I definitely know the things to say to show this as true. However, I have these little (sometimes monstrous) things called feelings that get in the way of my love being expressed. And when I'm feeling down, or used, or selfish, or like I am the only one in the world who cares (cares for me, cares for the kids, cares for the house, cares for the daily duties of life)- it gets exponentially harder to express love or gratitude and it looks a little something like this.
Instead of saying what is nice, I say something horribly wrong. I say mean things. I say "You're wrong" because in my mind I haven't seen him do anything right.
I go to bed angry, because I'd rather be upset than admit that I was sad, or felt negative emotions (anger somehow escapes that ruling because I control anger-not sadness or loneliness).
I don't do things I normally have no problem doing, and in fact, typically consider my job. These could be silly and random, such as, hanging up his clothes he has tossed onto the chair, or straightening the living room before I go to bed. The point is, what I refuse to do out of indignation hardly affects my husband at all (he has NEVER mentioned me not doing it and ONLY acknowledges when the cleaning I've done looks good). Instead, it is done out of an ugliness burning in my soul that I somehow expect to share with him indiscriminately and subtly----
Which is horrible!
But, it's God honest truth.
So, you can see why I probably need to work on things. Which is why we are here. Me starting this devotional for that's right, count it, the third time around and beginning my Bible reading again daily. I started in Ezekiel today for many reasons. Ezekiel will be my son's middle name. When I had Hezekiah, I was obsessed with reading Isaiah and each Psalm rumored to be written by Hezekiah. I couldn't get enough of learning about the man who would share a name with my son. I have the same feeling now as our son, Oliver Ezekiel Cotham, is just one month away from being born. I want to know more about the story in the Bible and how Ezekiel conducted his life. I want to be able to tell my son all about it one day (or probably every million days before he is old enough to tell me "yeah, Mom, you've told me this a million times").
Anyways, imagine my delight (literally, I was delighted) to find that Ezekiel wasn't just about me wanting to know about my son, but about God wanting to help me AGAIN with my marriage. This verse, in particular, stood out to me:
Ezekiel 2:8 "But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious people; open your mouth and eat what I give you."
Bam! You know what that is? Confirmation. In one little verse, I heard these words over and over, If everyone jumped off a bridge would you? Would you act like a total snob or forget the words of The Lord, just because everyone else was or had forgotten how to walk in it? Unfortunately, I sometimes do. But this was a reminder today that we are not always surrounded with those we feel are edifying or lifting us up (emotionally, spiritually, mentally) but it is OUR OWN responsibility to dig deep, to call on God and spend however long it take seeking Him, until that sense of value, of calm, and reassurance comes back to us and we can, quite literally, start acting more like His children- instead of just flat out, little kids.
Cheers and may your Season be merry- whatever journey you are currently walking it out with.
~Jenn
