It's been a long day!

No other words to describe it, but of course there are or else this blog would be extremely short and somewhat unnecessary. It will probably be neither of those things.

I've been thinking a lot about life and meaning and my purpose and all of that and I've come to the conclusion that I have no answer for any of those and I really need to stop thinking about them except for the fact that I really don't want to and I find the answers of the utmost importance. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is!?

No, actually, today was a great day. I walked to the park, even though my breathing is getting more difficult. I couldn't believe how hard it is just walking! I sincerely hope that being pregnant is not synonymous with being out of shape! Anyhow, I went for a walk, I made dinner, I cleaned up after dinner, I finished reading a chapter and I began a new chapter in my own book. The new chapter is on eating disorders so the topic is heavy, but I'm so passionate about the topic (apparently) that the words flew out of me. I'm struggling writing this book in that it is taking me so long, but not in the sense that I continue to feel strongly about the cause for it. I suppose I feel purposeful and useful when I write on this stuff. It makes me feel hopeful and helpful when I begin writing. I really can't wait to be finished!

The book I'm reading is by a woman named Marilynne Robinson called, When I Was a Child I Read Books. When I read the title at the library I had to auto-correct my pronunciation of read (present verb) to read (past). It made much more sense that way! It is a combination of many essays. In the beginning, I was smitten with the essays. "Freedom of Thought" for starters was invigorating for my mind to play around with. The author had new ideas, for me at least, on the conversation between Christianity and Science and to my great surprise Marilynne is a Christian! I had no idea she would be when I picked the book up at the library, but it was a pleasant surprise. The next essay was "Imagination and Community." Another great one on the effects of denying religion on our overall sense of imagination and how that effects us as a community. That is really too brief to do justice to all of her ideas, but suffice to say I was interested and enabled to ponder. Great qualities. However, as I carried on, I got to an essay or so I felt like skimming and then I decided to skip around a bit, to find a title I felt drawn to. This might not all be the author's fault, I will say. I have a thing about jumping from one place to another.

Eventually though I made it to the final essay, of my night, "Wonderous Love." Catchy title, isn't it? But this time I was engaged in a much different way. My opinion differed. I wanted to debate with someone. I wanted to see how far off my disagreement would be with another who read this same essay. See, she was arguing that Christians now push their religion on America out of fear of secularism. That we who might push our beliefs on others are being nationalistic and are in insubordination of what our Founder Fathers wanted. I don't agree. Or perhaps, I want to know who she is talking about. At the very least her encounter with those pushing American ideals, who also see America as wrong, is closed minded. The patriotic Christians I know love America, in it's ideals, but we are no longer a country who lives for our ideals. We do not stand behind our troops and rejoice when they come home or support the cause while they're abroad. We definitely don't support family or reject those who flaunt their adultery as prized behavior. Not that we are judges or even God, but I dispute that we "push" religion with the fact that we are called to keep people on the right track. To remind those around us that God loves us and that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. We are called to tell women to raise their standards of treatment. That to be called a sex symbol is not a compliment, it means that young men will never be able to fully love their imperfect, yet beautiful wives because those men have an unreal and overly available image of your naked body in their minds. There are things that the patriotic Christians I know don't want to stand for, but it isn't out of fear of secularism, it is out of loyalty and belief in the way God has called us to live. To set examples of light for others to see and to be drawn to. I'd also like to make a distinction between secularism and Globalization. It seems that Marilynne's set group of Christians were against spreading into other cultures or allowing the mixture. I don't doubt the existence of such people, but I would differentiate between not wanting to mix cultures and lowering our standards of appropriate behavior. Or better said would be globalization is the aiding and aid of other countries, the appropriation of useful technologies, etc. To me, secularism means pop-culture, it means following trends. If we know that history repeats itself and that problems recorded in the Old Testament are still issues people struggle with today, why on Earth would anyone be okay with secularism? Maybe I'm being closed minded now and even just cutting it short, but it seems to me that we are called to be the salt of the land as well as the image of love to our neighbors. Maybe we aren't perfect, but taking a stand is not a hate crime. It simply says, "I draw the line here. I'm getting too far away from where God has called me to be." That's reasonable and it isn't fear, it's wisdom.

Good night everybody. Comment on this if you've read her stuff! I need to join a book club...
~Jenn

Pictures

God is so good.
I've been looking at pictures tonight and I'm reminded of two things.
One: Not much has changed over time although in my mind drastic, monumental events have taken place.
Two: Not sure this is a good thing, but "I might not be as good as I once was, but I'm as good once, as I'll ever be."
Very reassuring, I'm sure :)

Did you ever feel like...

life was moving so fast you just couldn't catch up?
Or how about,
you finally caught up with life and wanted to stay in that moment,
but then,
life started moving again.
Do you hold onto that moment
or push past with it tucked into your coat's lapel
like the beautiful rose that it was
with a scent to clear your nostrils
and the peace to ease your pain?

I felt that way today. Maybe it is this pregnancy. Maybe it is being pregnant and realizing I'm not exactly where I want to be. I'm literally at home on my computer, so not much has changed. Except that I'm pregnant and married and this baby is moving and I'm finding that life is not quite so different at all. I am still who I am with much to offer these two men. It is a matter of tapping into that fact, I suppose.

Of not being ashamed that I've put on so much weight! I thought it was impossible, to be honest. Or perhaps I had once feared it, but here it is anddddddd, wait for it, the only thing different is, I'm not trying to cover it up. In fact, people are drawn to it. "They" even have an endearing name for this new package I have, the baby bump. Perhaps you have heard of it? Interesting. Not quite as cute when you are the one sporting said baby bump, but here I am nonetheless, finding myself skating by on the compliments of, "Oh how cute! You are already showing!" Why, yes, I am. How kind of you to notice.
So, what do I hold onto then if not the illusion of vanity? Especially since the changing body shape is suppose to be a blessing, although can be quite encumbersome. Someone else please look up how to spell that word because I don't want to lose this train of thought.
These are just the rantings of a pregnant lady because I have no idea what I am doing and all of my close friends live nowhere around and I'd rather die than admit that it sucks. It sucks being alone and pregnant, trapped in your own dormitory of thought.
Luckily, I don't have to stay there. There is this high order of release I feel when I realize God has seen me all along. I would have gone crazy, but for sure Grace. Words don't do Him justice though, so I think I'll leave it at that for now. God is good and that's about all I know for sure at this point. Here's hoping that this is just a catalyst for good thoughts to flow and an excellent life to begin (the one inside me of course). I'll just continue living mine, looking for that ever popular silver lining or, the Biblical and true, rainbow after the storm. God gets me every time. Good night all. I hope you had a blessed day.
<3 Jenn