Isn't life amazing? Amazingly crazy? Yet, God is good. Here I am, still jobless, with a life that is everything other than what I would have expected and for that, I am thankful. I'm so happy and changed and, conversely, in every way the same. It feels like the sense of humor has stayed the same, but enhanced. Vision has been a little blurred, tunnel vision actually. The last four months have been me, here, living with my family. If anyone reading this knows me, you'd be aghast that I survived. Maybe. You'd also know that I love my family more than anything in the world, but the me from awhile back would have said no way! My mom and I agreed on very little, and the one thing we agreed on? That we could only stand each other in small dosages. Well, two things. We both dearly love our Starbucks treats. So, how is it that I managed to not only manage, but have come to enjoy my time, I'll say it, more deeply appreciate my family and let them in so that now they are no longer on the outside of my life looking in, but know my life more intimately than any other people? Well, God, obviously. Come on people! I told an occasional friend about the situation and as I sat there shaking my head in wonder, she said, "I don't know how you do it either. I mean, sober???" I laughed. At that point, it was by choice. Then I gave up alcohol for lent. Now, I've had a drink or two, I almost hate to admit it, but the point is, no, no alcohol as a means of escape.
It's so weird. I love dancing, but like most other things it has been a private experience. Now, all of a sudden, I've joined the church "dance crew." Which, I'm so not ghetto, but I do love dancing. The other catch is that most other members..okay...all other members are younger than me! Uhhh, I'll roll with it. So, here I am trying to remember how it feels to not be dancing in a club, with an audience full of those with not-so-glorious motives and me being perfectly alright with that! Most of the time, anyway. So, this is a change. A stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm really happy.
I wish I would have catalogued my journey to joy...I probably still could. It all started last week...let me find the verse. I didn't, but it doesn't matter. I'm looking to God for my joy, for my salvation, for everything and it has made all the difference.
So, I'm still looking for work and I'd like to get more serious about that. I am still adjusting to the way my body is dealing with living in the land of plenty and much rest in God's presence, but it's all good. God's will be done here on Earth and where I need correcting I have faith my father will give me the strength to overcome.
I'm not used to having people rely on me again. I mean, my friends can, of course, and I've been growing accustomed to family things and the dog, but all these church functions!?! I feel confused. Is this what I want? Am I being a commitment-phobe? I'm not a person to plant roots, really. I want to be able to get up and go and now God's telling me to stay!?! Or, should I not give myself away like that? The funny thing is, I already know it isn't the latter. One problem is that I don't want to disappoint people and I also don't like when things fall off of my plate. Well, the saying "God won't leave you there" just got real. I know He won't and I'm loving it. I guess that's all for now. Good night everybody.
Oh wait, one more thing. Because I haven't left this topic out of my journaling since, I don't know, ever, the guy situation is, scarce. Scary. Odd. Incredible. Perfect. Unusual. Nothing specific. Obsolete. yeah, most likely, the last one, but that's okay. It's like learning to walk again.. how do you go from secular dating, and I mean hard-core, A grade worldly ideas on dating, to the Christian scene. I have a feeling this is going to take forever for me to figure. Just a guess, but I tend to take my sweet time whenever learning something new!! Well, I'm out of school, who would have thought I had SO much learning left to do...a life time's worth really. I guess that's something worth rejoicing over. Now, good night everybody and may God's love be with you.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Isaiah 60:18
"No longer will violence be heard in your land,
nor ruin or destruction within your borders,
but you will call your walls Salvation,
and your gates Praise."
This is my prayer, my belief, for the United States of America. An end to hunger, to rebellion, to fear, to hatred. Will you get on-board?
I know there was a time, not so long ago, when I thought prayers like these were wishful thinking. In fact, I first "prayed" for the children in other countries while I was meditating. Last fall, I felt love like nobody's business. I was in the warehouse of love, it felt like. Thankfully, I was equipped with a mental distribution center, but it wasn't enough to will the feeling of His love on those I came in contact with at work. I wanted to do more, so I began to meditate in the mornings, thinking of all the lonely children in South America, Asia, Africa, and finally, home- here, the United States (and Australia, almost forgot! oh, and Europe- hah). I visualized all the little kids with snotty noses and smeared dirt from the tears collecting at the edges of their faces. I envisioned their mothers, mostly crying with fear and hopelessness. I willed His love to them, to comfort them, to stop the pain they were filling. I wanted them to feel love, the way I was so fortunate of feeling. And then, for some reason, I stopped. I stopped feeling it, I stopped believing in what I was doing, maybe I compromised.
But, I'm over that now, too. I don't want to compromise. My compassion is beating in my chest and threatening to destroy me if I continue ignoring it. I want to go back there, but how? My life feels so different now. I'm in a completely different world, but Got still loves. He loves and I want to pass it on. Pass it on to those I come in contact with, but to those who will never know me. I'll pray for those in this nation who don't believe, so that they might join me in this thinking. Positive thinking, collective thought, whatever you want to call it, start somewhere in believing in change. Let's face it, politicians will let us down. They won't provide the change they guarantee, so let it start with me, and you, and all others who have figured all of this out long before we did. I'm praying for positive change, for hope, for love, for comfort, for food, for all of those needs to be met and it starts with believing he can do what He said... or meditating. He'll take what He can get, like I already said ;) Good luck and happy praying.
Love,
Jenn
nor ruin or destruction within your borders,
but you will call your walls Salvation,
and your gates Praise."
This is my prayer, my belief, for the United States of America. An end to hunger, to rebellion, to fear, to hatred. Will you get on-board?
I know there was a time, not so long ago, when I thought prayers like these were wishful thinking. In fact, I first "prayed" for the children in other countries while I was meditating. Last fall, I felt love like nobody's business. I was in the warehouse of love, it felt like. Thankfully, I was equipped with a mental distribution center, but it wasn't enough to will the feeling of His love on those I came in contact with at work. I wanted to do more, so I began to meditate in the mornings, thinking of all the lonely children in South America, Asia, Africa, and finally, home- here, the United States (and Australia, almost forgot! oh, and Europe- hah). I visualized all the little kids with snotty noses and smeared dirt from the tears collecting at the edges of their faces. I envisioned their mothers, mostly crying with fear and hopelessness. I willed His love to them, to comfort them, to stop the pain they were filling. I wanted them to feel love, the way I was so fortunate of feeling. And then, for some reason, I stopped. I stopped feeling it, I stopped believing in what I was doing, maybe I compromised.
But, I'm over that now, too. I don't want to compromise. My compassion is beating in my chest and threatening to destroy me if I continue ignoring it. I want to go back there, but how? My life feels so different now. I'm in a completely different world, but Got still loves. He loves and I want to pass it on. Pass it on to those I come in contact with, but to those who will never know me. I'll pray for those in this nation who don't believe, so that they might join me in this thinking. Positive thinking, collective thought, whatever you want to call it, start somewhere in believing in change. Let's face it, politicians will let us down. They won't provide the change they guarantee, so let it start with me, and you, and all others who have figured all of this out long before we did. I'm praying for positive change, for hope, for love, for comfort, for food, for all of those needs to be met and it starts with believing he can do what He said... or meditating. He'll take what He can get, like I already said ;) Good luck and happy praying.
Love,
Jenn
Monday, April 16, 2012
What do you write about, when you have nothing to say?
Do you reiterate the details of the day,
or do you let your mind wander, in the realm of play?
I look at this conflict as the silliest sort of a problem,
yet extremely complex, an "I just don't know the answer, yet."
To come up with the solution,
would be the best sort of a feeling,
to know that the problem, not mine,
has all sorts of fixings,
simply get in your place
or think of these things
or hang out with this person
or practice such and such religion.
I keep coming back to production
feeling only somewhat successful.
Enjoying creation, thriving and daring,
not knowing what lies ahead,
but refusing to live life as if I were dying.
So different from then, still me,
if He hadn't saved me,
where would I be?
Dreadfully aware of how far I have come, but not totally understanding where I'm going.
These are the moments I'm capturing, the in between ones,
the I'm not quite me, but who else would I be,
the one who seeks solitude, but only for the time being.
Whose comfort is drawn from believing,
just a girl who needs profound healing,
not a friend or a soul could give me more
than the hope and His joy,
yet my life is expanding by their gentle beings,
a love more pure than I have ever known,
who gives me strength until called home.
ever changing and learning as is the process of life,
needing correction and guidance
from those in such places.
God if I could ask just one thing,
do you believe in me the way I see that you do?
Do you shudder when I doubt myself,
do you cheer when I try
do you cry when I do or long to brush my check when I can hardly breathe?
I believe in you and love you
I seek you, I will find you.
You give me all the strength I need,
Lord, please help me to see that.
I prayed for a soul the other day,
the way I thought you would have me,
up to this point that is,
I left in a stupor,
the only word that would say it.
I couldn't see my right from my left,
I can hardly define what I felt,
dreaming of life and of healing
anticipating your loving mercy,
A feeling of hope so deep,
I think of it and smile,
Not of me, but of you
you are the reason for the things that I do.
Give up that drink and do this now
I will because I know
all things work together for my good.
I love you Lord
and I'm holding on tight.
Do you reiterate the details of the day,
or do you let your mind wander, in the realm of play?
I look at this conflict as the silliest sort of a problem,
yet extremely complex, an "I just don't know the answer, yet."
To come up with the solution,
would be the best sort of a feeling,
to know that the problem, not mine,
has all sorts of fixings,
simply get in your place
or think of these things
or hang out with this person
or practice such and such religion.
I keep coming back to production
feeling only somewhat successful.
Enjoying creation, thriving and daring,
not knowing what lies ahead,
but refusing to live life as if I were dying.
So different from then, still me,
if He hadn't saved me,
where would I be?
Dreadfully aware of how far I have come, but not totally understanding where I'm going.
These are the moments I'm capturing, the in between ones,
the I'm not quite me, but who else would I be,
the one who seeks solitude, but only for the time being.
Whose comfort is drawn from believing,
just a girl who needs profound healing,
not a friend or a soul could give me more
than the hope and His joy,
yet my life is expanding by their gentle beings,
a love more pure than I have ever known,
who gives me strength until called home.
ever changing and learning as is the process of life,
needing correction and guidance
from those in such places.
God if I could ask just one thing,
do you believe in me the way I see that you do?
Do you shudder when I doubt myself,
do you cheer when I try
do you cry when I do or long to brush my check when I can hardly breathe?
I believe in you and love you
I seek you, I will find you.
You give me all the strength I need,
Lord, please help me to see that.
I prayed for a soul the other day,
the way I thought you would have me,
up to this point that is,
I left in a stupor,
the only word that would say it.
I couldn't see my right from my left,
I can hardly define what I felt,
dreaming of life and of healing
anticipating your loving mercy,
A feeling of hope so deep,
I think of it and smile,
Not of me, but of you
you are the reason for the things that I do.
Give up that drink and do this now
I will because I know
all things work together for my good.
I love you Lord
and I'm holding on tight.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
You know how everyone has "their thing?"
Some people have swimming, others are die-hard, sport fans, and yet others have their kids, their spouses and their jobs. I am none of these, nor do I have any of those things. Yet, I am someone. I am someone who goes on living, day to day, and there are some things that get me through all of that. Those tasks, those people, those joys must be worth something and so in the spirit of my recent bible study on identity and on my journey in life, in general, I want to take some time to think about what those things are. I don't want to be prideful, but I want to find joy in the blessings God has granted me, I want to appreciate the life I have in order to prepare for wherever my road takes me ahead.
I woke up to a morning of prayer and finally a run! Stayed out to smell the wet ground after the rain. I sipped tea with two of my new favorite girls (they're nine and eleven). My chipotle chicken casserole turned out well. Got pierced a.k.a donated a pint of blood and ended up in church. I spoke with God sporadically, wrote in my journal, and even read the word and a book on the side. My day was all, but perfect above that. Yet, I sit at the computer with a somewhat familiar ache. It's a feeling I've grown accustomed to recently, it's uncomfortably near to unhappiness. I don't know what it is! That is so frustrated because I feel like if I knew the cause, I would want to fix it, but I don't so I have to rely on God to do it. I need God so much recently...
Sometimes, in that pain, I want to hide. That might be the best thing about this walk with God, is that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't get to actually. I want to run from social events when I'm feeling lonely, but I know it is a sadness at lose, such a struggle! There are remedies: God knows what is best for me, every event has its own season, what is right for some one else would not be best for me... I guess I just see my life, these last 4 months specifically, flying by and I wonder where God is? Where have I missed Him? Where have I found Him? How many times have I done the right thing? How often does my desire align with His will? Will I ever feel like I'm pleasing to Him or that I'm not as far as I think?
I enjoy challenges. Without God I would have never realized that walking with Him is the best challenge I could have ever asked for. It wasn't until that occurred to me, that I also realized that I don't need to accept the half-assed effort of any male and consider that as part of the chase, I don't want any part of those games. Unfortunately, I also have to differentiate between "games" and sincere hesitation and confusion..who knows how to tell those apart!?! I'm actually a blank page today, it started a few days ago. I read, in my newest joy Aging Well, that sections in our lives will be like chapters. When one is done, you flip the page, you start something new. I embrace that. I think my life is going to be a full, long journey and I am only beginning this new chapter. It would be called, "Walking with God and all the other things you get to do together." He taught me to live life agin, as I did when I was a child. However, no matter how close I am to rejuvenation, to the strength of an eagle, He keeps taking me even further. I need to look at my life as my journey. No comparisons to so and so's adventure. I am coming back and with a passion. I remember being 12 maybe, when my whole life was broken, I had no one, excluding maybe my dog Suzy and I built a little fort in the living room, behind our entertainment system and I turned the radio on. I began to weep and pray and dance and sing to God. I don't remember the pleas of my heart, in fact, I'm almost sure they weren't audible, but I was clinging to God. This must be a good place to be, because He took me on a journey then that I could have never imagined. In fact, I never imagined a day in my life now! Incredible, really. I'm so happy now. I stumble, more often than I'd like but my God is faithful so in the moments when I weep, I'll weep to Him, I'll praise Him, pray to Him and just believe that I am heard by my heavenly father. An interesting side note is that I recruited Him to absolutely fill the role of lover tonight. I've known what it is to have a man at my side and I would be lying to say that I don't miss it at times, yet I can't replace the feeling of coming to Jesus with nothing with me except a fervent desire to get closer to Him. That's love and that's what I'm seeking for fulfillment. Thank God!
I woke up to a morning of prayer and finally a run! Stayed out to smell the wet ground after the rain. I sipped tea with two of my new favorite girls (they're nine and eleven). My chipotle chicken casserole turned out well. Got pierced a.k.a donated a pint of blood and ended up in church. I spoke with God sporadically, wrote in my journal, and even read the word and a book on the side. My day was all, but perfect above that. Yet, I sit at the computer with a somewhat familiar ache. It's a feeling I've grown accustomed to recently, it's uncomfortably near to unhappiness. I don't know what it is! That is so frustrated because I feel like if I knew the cause, I would want to fix it, but I don't so I have to rely on God to do it. I need God so much recently...
Sometimes, in that pain, I want to hide. That might be the best thing about this walk with God, is that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't get to actually. I want to run from social events when I'm feeling lonely, but I know it is a sadness at lose, such a struggle! There are remedies: God knows what is best for me, every event has its own season, what is right for some one else would not be best for me... I guess I just see my life, these last 4 months specifically, flying by and I wonder where God is? Where have I missed Him? Where have I found Him? How many times have I done the right thing? How often does my desire align with His will? Will I ever feel like I'm pleasing to Him or that I'm not as far as I think?
I enjoy challenges. Without God I would have never realized that walking with Him is the best challenge I could have ever asked for. It wasn't until that occurred to me, that I also realized that I don't need to accept the half-assed effort of any male and consider that as part of the chase, I don't want any part of those games. Unfortunately, I also have to differentiate between "games" and sincere hesitation and confusion..who knows how to tell those apart!?! I'm actually a blank page today, it started a few days ago. I read, in my newest joy Aging Well, that sections in our lives will be like chapters. When one is done, you flip the page, you start something new. I embrace that. I think my life is going to be a full, long journey and I am only beginning this new chapter. It would be called, "Walking with God and all the other things you get to do together." He taught me to live life agin, as I did when I was a child. However, no matter how close I am to rejuvenation, to the strength of an eagle, He keeps taking me even further. I need to look at my life as my journey. No comparisons to so and so's adventure. I am coming back and with a passion. I remember being 12 maybe, when my whole life was broken, I had no one, excluding maybe my dog Suzy and I built a little fort in the living room, behind our entertainment system and I turned the radio on. I began to weep and pray and dance and sing to God. I don't remember the pleas of my heart, in fact, I'm almost sure they weren't audible, but I was clinging to God. This must be a good place to be, because He took me on a journey then that I could have never imagined. In fact, I never imagined a day in my life now! Incredible, really. I'm so happy now. I stumble, more often than I'd like but my God is faithful so in the moments when I weep, I'll weep to Him, I'll praise Him, pray to Him and just believe that I am heard by my heavenly father. An interesting side note is that I recruited Him to absolutely fill the role of lover tonight. I've known what it is to have a man at my side and I would be lying to say that I don't miss it at times, yet I can't replace the feeling of coming to Jesus with nothing with me except a fervent desire to get closer to Him. That's love and that's what I'm seeking for fulfillment. Thank God!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
oh no! oh, how?
I blame the 5:30 prayer session for what happened this morning. You know how it is, waking up and stumbling out of bed in that half dream-like state, but fully aware that you have some place you must be and certainly something to do. I proceeded to stare blankly at the closet for a full five minutes before I gave up on getting dressed and headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. "I might have to go in my pajamas, I vowed, but not with this breath!" I have a thing about morning breath, it isn't really so horrendous (thank God!), but if I leave that for the starting point of the day, just imagine how much worse it will be by bedtime! So, there I was, absently looking in the mirror as I cleared my canines and my brain, slowly but surely, began to turn. "Okay, I'm going to put in some earrings once I'm done with this." Play by play. No thought entered into the arena until I was clearing my tongue with the toothbrush and water. "Almost done," and reaching towards the jewelry box "a-ha! The silver balls will be perfect." One in the left ear, the other in the right and I was done. Back to daring the clothes in my closet to present themselves to me in outfit format. Eventually, I was out the door and the rest is a bit routine. The part I was not expecting was returning to that same wretched spot, the reflexion in the bathroom, to see that what I had thought were my two silver earrings had in fact been one silver and the other, a slightly smaller ball, gold! How could this be? I had not only gone to church and talked to more people than usual, but had presented myself at the gym as well! Very funny. I laughed until my side hurt. I'm still not sure how that happened or who even noticed, but I found it hilarious that I am still me and still capable of very silly mistakes.
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