Some people have swimming, others are die-hard, sport fans, and yet others have their kids, their spouses and their jobs. I am none of these, nor do I have any of those things. Yet, I am someone. I am someone who goes on living, day to day, and there are some things that get me through all of that. Those tasks, those people, those joys must be worth something and so in the spirit of my recent bible study on identity and on my journey in life, in general, I want to take some time to think about what those things are. I don't want to be prideful, but I want to find joy in the blessings God has granted me, I want to appreciate the life I have in order to prepare for wherever my road takes me ahead.
I woke up to a morning of prayer and finally a run! Stayed out to smell the wet ground after the rain. I sipped tea with two of my new favorite girls (they're nine and eleven). My chipotle chicken casserole turned out well. Got pierced a.k.a donated a pint of blood and ended up in church. I spoke with God sporadically, wrote in my journal, and even read the word and a book on the side. My day was all, but perfect above that. Yet, I sit at the computer with a somewhat familiar ache. It's a feeling I've grown accustomed to recently, it's uncomfortably near to unhappiness. I don't know what it is! That is so frustrated because I feel like if I knew the cause, I would want to fix it, but I don't so I have to rely on God to do it. I need God so much recently...
Sometimes, in that pain, I want to hide. That might be the best thing about this walk with God, is that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't get to actually. I want to run from social events when I'm feeling lonely, but I know it is a sadness at lose, such a struggle! There are remedies: God knows what is best for me, every event has its own season, what is right for some one else would not be best for me... I guess I just see my life, these last 4 months specifically, flying by and I wonder where God is? Where have I missed Him? Where have I found Him? How many times have I done the right thing? How often does my desire align with His will? Will I ever feel like I'm pleasing to Him or that I'm not as far as I think?
I enjoy challenges. Without God I would have never realized that walking with Him is the best challenge I could have ever asked for. It wasn't until that occurred to me, that I also realized that I don't need to accept the half-assed effort of any male and consider that as part of the chase, I don't want any part of those games. Unfortunately, I also have to differentiate between "games" and sincere hesitation and confusion..who knows how to tell those apart!?! I'm actually a blank page today, it started a few days ago. I read, in my newest joy Aging Well, that sections in our lives will be like chapters. When one is done, you flip the page, you start something new. I embrace that. I think my life is going to be a full, long journey and I am only beginning this new chapter. It would be called, "Walking with God and all the other things you get to do together." He taught me to live life agin, as I did when I was a child. However, no matter how close I am to rejuvenation, to the strength of an eagle, He keeps taking me even further. I need to look at my life as my journey. No comparisons to so and so's adventure. I am coming back and with a passion. I remember being 12 maybe, when my whole life was broken, I had no one, excluding maybe my dog Suzy and I built a little fort in the living room, behind our entertainment system and I turned the radio on. I began to weep and pray and dance and sing to God. I don't remember the pleas of my heart, in fact, I'm almost sure they weren't audible, but I was clinging to God. This must be a good place to be, because He took me on a journey then that I could have never imagined. In fact, I never imagined a day in my life now! Incredible, really. I'm so happy now. I stumble, more often than I'd like but my God is faithful so in the moments when I weep, I'll weep to Him, I'll praise Him, pray to Him and just believe that I am heard by my heavenly father. An interesting side note is that I recruited Him to absolutely fill the role of lover tonight. I've known what it is to have a man at my side and I would be lying to say that I don't miss it at times, yet I can't replace the feeling of coming to Jesus with nothing with me except a fervent desire to get closer to Him. That's love and that's what I'm seeking for fulfillment. Thank God!
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