Tonight, as I sip a warm cup of tea, I can't help but sigh with relief. I have brief moments in time when I can be completely myself. Alone, at last, with my computer, a snack, and a drink. Never mind the fact that my baby sleeps just inches behind me for only God knows how long and my husband sleeps only feet away until he must wake and go out on his night shift. It's been weeks now that he covers the graveyard shift and, as of yet, I am still not recovered. Can one ever really grow accustomed to the person they love not being able to sleep at their side and not returning until the morning has fully dawned. I'm not sure I will, but for now, he and I are making it work. The baby keeps me company anyways and for that I am extremely grateful.
I know things like this will not last. The times, rugged and hurried, seem to squeeze themselves out of me, but I am unwilling to let them go. I so badly want to stay in this moment and then the next. Is this what it means to be a mother? Always wanting to stay right where you are while all the time you know you must change, adapt, let go? I never minded change before, in fact, I welcomed it. I sought it out and now I only long to keep my family intact; enjoying this day and this day alone.
I am ready for change though. I see the need, the necessity, of newness. A new environment in which we can all grow. I would never dream of keeping anyone of them the same. I want both of them to flourish, to find joy, to succeed at whatever they put their hands to. Their minds to. I see greatness in our son. He is lovely and happy. He smiles so easily and loves so much to see his father's face. All that he is makes my whole life shine. I am complete in the moments when I know his smile will stay on his face.
As for me, I'm torn. Is my life as a mother now? As a mom who stays at home and cares for her children and takes care of the house and the other maternal duties? Or, am I Mom who works outside of the home and takes home to her children her very hard-earned support and care. Or, am I both? Am I the one who must go work in order to provide and when I am home, only then can I give the love and support to my child, or children, that they need? Am I to recognize my child's benefit of having multiple family members in his life, to help raise him and love and take care of him? Am I to let go of him unquestionably because that is what is best for my family. I'm not sure and that is at the heart of my problems. I am not keen on letting go. In fact. I cannot see me doing so and yet I am called outside of my house, to make something of myself, to build, encourage and move on. I cannot do so. I suppose I will work to earn a paycheck and then come home to love my family. To spend the precious moments that I can with them. To help raise them in the way they should go and love them how I know I should.. how should I love them? The defining question. My love would seem to best show through lavishing all of my affection upon them but we are also told to believe that self-love is the only way one can fully love another. Jesus, actually, tells us that we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. I would love myself by providing a secure future for me and so I would fully love my son by giving him that same opportunity. I know what I must do and now I pray that the Lord can help with guidance and wisdom and love so that I should have strength in order to get the job done. Amen.
