It sounds weird or maybe it doesn't. Honestly, I'm not sure. It could differ depending on who you are while reading this letter. I'll call it a letter because I'm wondering who's reading it and I'm imagining it as a piece of paper crumbled up that you've stumbled upon. In a way you have, minus the tangibleness of this specific piece of information. Probably, it feels more like a letter because it feels more like a journal entry to me. I stopped writing in my journal awhile ago..things like this anyway. I keep the occasional entry of pain or interest, special memory or necessary fact. Regardless, this type of entry I began posting to the world wide web. Why? You must be wondering. You aren't? Well, good. I'm not sure of the answer myself. I like writing on my laptop, honestly. There is less critique on the appearance of my font. What a silly detail to be concerned with, wouldn't you say? I would, but it is unavoidable. I agonize over it. Sometimes I write in cursive, but it reminds me that I used to write in "normal" font and then I wonder why I am being so presumptuous, so I switch to my usual handwriting and I struggle to read my own writing and I see it, in all of it's glorious, rushed sloppiness and I think, "Switch to cursive. It looks better. It is more legible and besides, you've gotten rather good at it (in my thoughts I often say rather and it reminds that I always wanted to be British and I smile)." But anyway, I have this debate with myself about which font to use in my handwriting and it is now so freeing to escape in my thoughts through technology. Less judgement. Imagine that.
I apologize, I've gotten so off track. I meant to begin writing on how it is important to know where you are going before you begin going there. Before I get to that though, I feel like I must share with you why on earth such a topic as this is even on my mind. God's been bringing it up, a lot. Last week I shared that I wanted to write a book. I want to express my ideas on an issue I'm really passionate about and have personal experience in. I want to talk about being a woman and what that means when you reach college age and on, perhaps starting even before college. Actually it could be any age, the dates are only specific for me, but the information doesn't change.
I want to tell people about the pain I experienced because I went off track. I started doing my own thing and I want to show how great God is, in all His glory and splendor because countless times He put me back on track. It's amazing how often He does it for me and I know many other people who are daily affected by His grace as well. I personally couldn't make it through my days or weeks without His interruptions. My life gets muddled when I do it on my own.
Well, as I said, God started speaking to me about a certain area in my life that isn't quite as public as I like to think it would be. To write a book, to publish a novel, on how much God has converted my life would mean wanting to make a very serious claim. It would mean having a legitimate concern that I felt desperately drawn to correcting, at minimum, to helping. That is all fine, except for what I was saying in my heart and my mind weren't always the same thing.
I would feel convicted when I stopped writing. Be it a week or a day, something was missing and I knew, I knew, I wasn't doing all I should be doing or was supposed to do. It didn't feel like I was failing, but like I wasn't being fulfilled or getting my brain turning properly. I was losing oxygen! Compare it to working out and how you feel if you miss a regular trip to the gym or the track or wherever you drop beads. If you aren't into working out, think about missing your regular prayer time, or cup of coffee. You feel off. You know which activity you skipped, but you aren't fully convinced that skipping that week or day would affect you that much. Except that it does and that's how you know. You know it is important to your scheduling. It is a built in piece of your schedule, your life, and you need it to function normally, even optimally. So, I went back to writing, but then something was still lacking. Not during the writing process, but the completion process. I would feel myself drag it out and I prayed hard against feeling doubt. Against feeling like I'm not worthy of introducing the topic or just of having my say in the matter. I prayed about the topic a lot and I think God gave me a new little clue on the subject. Do you mind if I share that with you? (If not, I'm going to continue. If you do, don't keep reading, unless you want to, then by all means, continue...)
I felt convicted. For the last few months I have been in circumstances that went against everything I am going to tell young women to do in the chapters of my book. It isn't that I'm lying to my friends (those who have been in the above listed circumstances) or that I don't fully believe what it is I want to write in my book. But there was this huge, enormous, vast, galactic space between what I wanted to do to help young women throughout the world and those who are at my finger-tips who I get to love on daily and who I love, dearly. See, when a friend of mine goes through a situation, my first instinct is to comfort them, but I'm so soft inside. Comfort, for me, does not come in the form of direct honesty. If I'm feeling fat and crying about it, please don't tell me to put away the candy bar because yes, indeed, you've noticed it too! I need reassurance. All I really want is excuses, but that isn't going to change anything, is it? I'm going to continue beating myself up, but if I don't hear the true answer, the one that will actually help me out of the situation, how can I change?
And see, my friends come to me when they are struggling and I tell them the answer that will make them the most comfortable with the decision they are going to make, regardless of what I say. Or so I think. Maybe they will make a decision, regardless of what I say, but at least they won't have me piling on advice that I don't even stand behind or support. I'm afraid of conflict, to be honest with you. I want to ease the tension (or so I think, maybe my husband would disagree). In my friendships though, I know that to be true. I want to build them up and I never thought I could do that by telling them the truth, the way I saw it, the way I think God would want it to be done. And I don't mean make them feel judged for their decisions either! I mean telling them the exact same thing I'm writing in the book. I mean explaining how hurt I was after I made a similar decision or even what the Bible says on that issue because I believe everything the Bible says to be true and to lead to life and life more abundantly. If I'm not leading my friends to that path, what am I really doing? I feel bad thinking of it, but I still feel frightened to make the change. To begin professing the truth, even in the uncomfortable moments. I pray for strength and wisdom to know when to speak and when to hold my tongue and when to speak with love and when to just walk away and let it be (if ever).
To sum it all up, I finally realized that my final goal is getting to Heaven and I want to take as many people with me as I possibly can. I had this image of getting there and seeing people who are thankful for what I said to them because they all decided to change their lives and then got into Heaven also. Compared with the image of seeing only my family members who have been Christians longer that I have been anyways. Both would be great, but I'm reaching because I want to make a difference. A permanent impact, not a momentary happiness. "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for the day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for the rest of His life."Amen.
It's raining out. It's beautiful. God loves you and thinks you're His most precious creation. Remember that in everything you do and remember to keep pressing on until you find what you're looking for. God honors that and promises wisdom. I love that about Him.
Love always,
Jenn
