To be in love is to be swept away
beyond your control, without even struggling.
Never wondering where or when you might land
always trusting that this love will stand,
through the years and months
and doldrums and such
just another visit with each other is enough
to rekindle the romance dancing in one's heart
and set happiness burning, like an ambitious spark.

I thought I was poetic, I thought "How unique."
Until I took a test or two and found
the difference is in the way I speak.
What matters to me is not the difference
and to who I say it doesn't matter
I'm found in how I say what I need to say and the moments I choose to say it.
Lost in all of the confusion, I sometimes forget what life is like
a mixture of sweet colors, always blowing by,
but if you close your eyes to them
you might as well have died.
Their brilliance is our benefit,
a picture at every turn
"I'll never close myself off to them,"
I hope that's one I've learned.
So poetry might not be my calling,
but I see it everyday.
I thought it was a part of me,
and so my job to say,
but it seems people have their own way of experiencing all this beauty
and mine just sounds like noise to them
that I'd rather just take away
and hide it for a time and place when it helps produce a notion
like the wind is there to please you and to be appreciated equally
the children laughing take away anxiety, but only if you listen.
No one likes being told what to do and I'm neither an exception,
I'm still hopeful for these changes
and grateful for the moments of expression.

Through it all. What a statement!

Through the inspiring work of those I love,
I can feel a fire burning, pushing me to drive.
Through their creations and their wonders, I can almost feel Him from above;
Moving me to work, produce and thrive.
Through their blessings, I remember I'm alive.

Afraid of falling into nothingness, afraid of too much pride.
Walking gingerly, a tightrope, with waves of nausea in my mind.
Pulling me first up, then down, and then wiping my heart clean.
He first put His words inside of me, so now I can feel a dream.

Growing dimly, needing more, faith to rely on Him.
I want to make it beautiful, I want more to fit His timing.
I'd rather live in love and look always towards the light,
I'd rather be an instrument, than assume I know what's right.

How long before I see it, the sun You set as my horizon?
For now I follow blindly, but I feel You hold my hand.
A voice of heaven I have in me, finally a real man is on my side.
I'm longing for you, Jesus, please take this as my final stand;

Your longing to expose the heart of me and shake off the dust beneath it,
I'm needing strength and time and patience,
these lessons learned, I won't bear to be repeated.
You fill the void and give me things, I never knew I needed.

I'm thanking God today for all that I have and for all that is yet to be done. I'm acknowledging the process and praying for the strength to continue along the path. I'm also asking for discernment because that's just where I am. I'm praying that He knows my heart and uses me where I'm needed. I'm thankful that He doesn't give us more than we can handle and that He holds my heart in His hands and is molding it for the good works that are yet to be accomplished! Amen.

A long, but beautiful day.

who would you be if you woke up in the morning with no recollection of your past? What about with minimal memories? I saw The Vow tonight and it made me wonder, who would I be if I woke up in the morning with a fresh start, no memories of pain, nothing holding me back in that way? Not a totally fair question since that would also mean erasing whatever has happened to me to make me the way I am, my interests, my desires, my drive. Which obviously begs the question, what are those things in my life? Shouldn't we all know? Probably. Do I at this point, not exactly.
So, define. Drives. What is it that I am passionate about, when I have kids what three things would I like them to list on their fingers when they describe me? I have a joy indisputable, shining so brightly I am strong enough to lighten their loads, ALWAYS. Secondly, that I love fiercely, Jesus, them, my life, my family, those in need. Thirdly, probably that I'm clean. I know that is incredibly boring, but order matters to me...just trying to keep it real. But in my love for them, whoever it might be, and through my joy I am still counting on faith to reveal the things I am passionate about that might sustain the deepest desires of my heart. For now, today, what is it that gets me through the days? Jesus. Praying morning and night and about 500 times in between there. His divine intervention through those I talk to, the music I listen to, and whatever book I'm reading. After that, I look forward to the small things (or amazing, in perspective). I love a bowl of oatmeal in the morning,  I love knowing that I can come home and have a fresh sandwich with almost any ingredients I desire, I love that I can have a cup of coffee. I love my mom, I love that I can literally see our relationship flourishing day by day. I can see my life stretching out like a flowing river and it feels amazing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to be in the sun. I love seeing a movie with my Grandma and being surprised (pleasantly) with our conversations that follow. People, in general, amaze me. They are so clever and I get so much enjoyment out of them. Sometimes I feel convicted because I'm not that clever, I'm maybe not as nice or thoughtful or brave or quick or thin or nice or smart or well-dressed or busy (!!!), but Dear God thank you for making me enough for you and thank you that I get to appreciate all of these qualities in others. Thank you that I am learning to love everything special and unique in others. I would love to learn my area of strengths so that I might embrace them. I mean, I know I'm loved God, so that I am, is enough. I'm thankful for that.
Portrait:
I enjoy trying new things.
I like learning new things about people.
I LOVE stories.
I am sensitive.
I love the sun.
Music is a huge part of my life.
       When I was younger, we would go to this country line dancing place, so I love the beats in country. I love the honesty of the lyrics that reminds me of the lives I saw going on around me as a child. Love, drinking, family, religion and good times.
        As I got older, rap and r&b came into my life. The honesty and pain in the lyrics coincided with how I felt a lot of the time. Wanting to stand out, wanting to be more than what your situation typically produced. I wanted some of that fame and glory to, I wanted an escape from what I felt was quickly closing in around me and rap represented those people who had made that happen for themselves, by rapping about nothing other than themselves and their struggles. Plus, I began dancing to that music, thought it was the only was I could dance without training. FALSE. I can't even dance that well to hip-hop, plus it really does mimic sex and that isn't really that fun when you are trying not to have sex on your mind...
        So, that brings me to the season of worship music. There's a little bit of country in there for the nostalgia and the strength over my exes. I can't listen to some music for the ties in my memory, painful ones that bring a lot of shame, although some are accompanied by victory over that particularly bad moment in my life. Gospel music has a way of lifting my spirits, back to God's good grace, but every once I need to mix it up a little or I feel like a tiny bit of me dies inside. They start saying the same thing and I feel a little less special every time. Why is it important that I feel different, unique, unusual? That is just how I describe myself. I feel out when others are in, but usually, I like it. I miss when I can't write because then I feel like I can't express myself, a little of the same feeling. I'm not so great with talking, but I'm trying to get better. I still like to be able to get on the computer and produce something.

Anyway, I got off topic. I was talking about who I am. Wow. Pretty egocentric, but for some reason, I feel like it would help if I wasn't so confused about what I want, I feel like then I'd know a little more of who I am. At one point in my life, I felt like I knew, maybe it was when I felt like I knew everything? Now, now I'm just trying to keep it all together and praying. Praying is good, I know and I think God is revealing his plan to me step by step.
I want people to be able to rely on me.
I don't have much self-control.
       Thankfully God helps me with this. I can pray and he usually comes through and changes me when I most need it. Every bad habit I have I would not have been able to stop without his intervention. His miracles, really. Thank you God for showing me the beauty and wonder of life almost every where I turn.

So, my life is God's. His will, I can only hope at this point will be my own. His love I can only hope to grasp. Maybe that can be more than enough for now. As it is, I am so far away from where I was just a few months ago. I'm diving in though, putting on the honor with pride like I once did with a high school uniform. I like that metaphor. I didn't know what it meant to be a cheerleader then, I only knew what I had heard (the stereotypes). That didn't alter who I was, and I made my way as Jenn/ Jennifer in an unfamiliar territory without losing or gaining anything. How much more do I have now to benefit by fully trusting God and letting Him change my life? I trust you, God, to make in me a new heart, a new life, where you are the Head and I am able to follow you. I'll still be me and I still need to make plans. Like my sister said, I won't miss You. I won't miss God, so I want to get out there and live now. God please be with me and correct me when I need to be corrected. Jesus, thank you for the salvation you've given me, so that conviction can be far from me. Holy Spirit, please give me the ability to decide quickly which path holds righteousness and which words to say to bring the glory back to God. Amen.

Credit where credit is due.

Neil Postman. (I guess his mother had an affair).
Technopoly


The idea is: what is progress. Not a new idea by any account and not even one that Postman was directly addressing. It was a statement about the ambition of men, including Sir Isaac Newton and Kepler (who is credited with discovering the year of Christ's birth- 4 or 5 BC), in exploring science. It was for "speculative satisfaction, rather than for the sake of progress. That made me wonder, what is the point of progress and why is our nation, especially, so concerned with it? I suppose a pre-eminent question then is, what is progress? What does progress mean to our society, would perhaps be a more precise wording. I think progress means advancements made in any area of study that might make improvements to life as we know it. Given that definition though, progress is closely linked to satisfaction, on one, superficial level. I suppose that makes me question the depth of my concerns for our society, if nothing else, it keenly exposes my situation in a class-based environment. So that I do not have to self-defeat at this moment I'll go ahead and explore my first answer through examples of what progress would be, tangibly, given the above definition. For me, it would be discoveries in science about the stars and the planets and what space is really like. Perhaps that is only a matter of explanations in language I can comprehend. Space atoms and the speed of light do not compute very well for me. Put it in terms of exploration and similarities to what I already know and I would be hooked. "The distance from you to the moon is another way of saying that I would be ten years older by the time I made it there if I left now" or "If there was a colony of Earthlings on Planet Mars, they would have skipped their thirtieth birthdays and automatically would have been forty." Is that how it works? I have no idea, but metaphors, examples those are the way my mind works. So, anyway, that is one way my mind would progress, advance, look forward to the future. Another way  I would catalogue progress would be any inventions that solved problems. In that way, it is a different definition than that of the philosophers. An example of this would be a cure to the trouble with transportation. Real progress would be air-friendly, time efficient, affordable (for all!), means of getting to and from anywhere one wanted and needed to go. And, why not? Why shouldn't this exist now? Wouldn't it solve the problem of disputes abroad or dependency? Wouldn't it enable those without jobs to get where they needed to go, without limitation? Anyways, I think that would be an awesome invention.
Back to the idea of progress. Postman's point, so far, seems to be that with every invention there have been positive and negative effects. I think the most interesting has been writing. I approached his book with a grudge towards technology, but when he presented writing as an equal, albeit more distant, enemy, I was impressed that writing could have done what the internet currently does. Creates an illusion of what once existed and they both came through like wrecking balls. What once was is no longer and can never be resurrected because a new way of life quickly emerges and replaces all old notions of what was. It is nostalgic, it feels heavy to me, because part of me carries a hope that this new dependency on technology would disappear. A part of me does not want to become comfortable with a life of electronics, but it seems also that my fight is useless. I shudder at that because that option, seems bleak. I don't like and it might be such a strong feeling because I'm not comfortable with what such an option implies. Why would I be? Every day, it seems like, a new report is issued about the dangers of cell-phones and once we stop listening, it is the danger of facebook or the danger of watching tv. Why would anyone give-up on these luxuries and hours of enjoyment when there is so little else to replace them or when they were created for the exact purpose of demolishing what previously existed? I'm spent and with no real solution. Avoidance can only work for so long and what about when my barriers are weak, is there no excuse for that, no allowance? That seems fair enough. Stop whining, get out there and change what I want change and don't do what I'd rather not. I pray for the intelligence to come up with alternatives that satisfy and encourage me. Thank you God for this day and for all that you provide. Amen.