I woke up this morning and asked God, "Why am I here? Why have you placed me in this exact spot, with these people, in this life style?"
I was wondering. I'm finally wondering.
I could spend my time thinking of some other crap like why hasn't he given me this or that or why do I have to do such and such, but that seems terrible unfulfilling when the truth of it all is that I am here, make it or break it.
I do not want to break it. In fact, I want to thrive, so again I ask, "Why am I here?"
If I am fearfully and wonderfully made, as I am, then there is a reason for my moodiness and my reflection. There is a reason for the son I had and a reason I was given to him as his mother.
If any other avenue in my life was really so great, I would be there now, because God loves me and works all things together for my good.
I want to be unfiltered. Stop thinking about what to say or not, because the truth of the matter is, all of our walks are different. When my relationship is just about me and God, I think thats when the real change will come. It isn't like all of us are that different but our modes of communication are light years apart and it makes me feel inadequate. For example, I thought of something that made me angry while I was in the shower. I noticed, for perhaps the first time, that my initial thought was to push it down. Get rid of the feeling. Instead, today I thought, I am going to think of a healthy and normal way to tell that person why I am upset. I never thought of a way, but at least I realize what I need to do!
I know everything will work out because God is like that. I'm just wondering when and how. I don't know, I guess I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
