All the Air is Gone

I feel deflated. Maybe I'm just tired. I started my day with such high hopes and aspirations, but now, as I sit down at my computer to do what it is I really want to do, I feel exhausted. It is a strange phenomena. Today has been such a blur, honestly. I started working at a job I never thought I would take. Yet, I know how awful statements like those sound. I don't want anyone to think the job is beneath me, or that I think that, because I don't. I'm grateful to be making money. I just want to be making money in another situation, doing something that doesn't require me to wear a visor, preferably.

Besides that, the first day on the job was great. I like working. I like feeling like I am being productive, no matter what the task, it feels better than sitting around fretting about meaningless topics. Plus, they gave me Sunday off, which is awesome because I have really enjoyed going to church lately and now I don't have to give it up. Also, when I got out of the shower I realized one of my earrings had fallen out, but then after going to my room for a bit, I cam back and found the earring on the bathroom floor. I was amazed! (It was a little stud).

So, I keep inverting my letters while writing and I am getting super annoyed by this board I have balancing on my wall because it is not properly supported and every time the desk moves, it shakes, so I think that means I am too tired to write the amazing blogs/ stories that I was dreaming about producing when I was at Starbucks today during my break. I also feel like that is an excuse. I would give anything to feel like something I wrote had real value, but that is hard to measure with art, I think. It draws up psychological questions, like whose value would I accept? Why does it matter so much when others don't value it? It all feels silly, I guess. Doesn't it seem like if you love doing something you would do it more often? Except that when I do write and I feel like I'm getting some where, I enjoy it. It is thrilling and captures all of my attention, it makes me feel good actually. I'm wary of that emotion though, I feel like feeling that way is a negative, it feels too close to conceit, but if I don't feel like that, will I always feel inferior in my position, my career? That sounds awful.

I have so many questions and I feel like they could be answered by less thinking. If, like Voltaire suggests, I just let life happen to me and stopped asking questions I might finally be satisfied. However, what would I experience? Monotonous tasks. Even security I could have with a God who goes where I go and is everywhere I am. The problem with questions is that they never end. If you regard one past experience to help with the future, you really can't shut the door on the other more negative memories. At least, I don't think you can. It doesn't seem right. I don't know what to do with my ghosts though, the one who keeps coming back to me and making me feel like I left something behind, that I did something wrong and that the only way to release this spirit is to make it right, now. The bigger problem is that I have no idea how to do that. How do you? If anyone knew that would make this stage in my life a million bucks worth. Thanks.