When it comes to blogging, I'm doing fine. I feel adequate and comfortable. When it comes to laundry, I check it off my list. I'm going along "doing just fine" and then, "Wham!" It hits me. I haven't a thing to do in my world that has meaning or creates an impression of who I am. Am I being negative? I have titles, Christian, Wife, Daughter, Cousin, Aunt, Friend and each position has adjectives attached: nice, cute, friendly, hopeful, fun, strict, moody, loving, compassionate, reliable, responsible, prompt, selfless, but at other times very much selfish. There are duties, also, that I am required to do in each position that I fill: call, talk, share, love, caress, feed, nourish, play, laugh, speak, pray, pray, and pray. I am required to do dishes and other chores, write, read, and maintain an approachable level of hygiene (this one is demanding in more than one surprising category). The point is, I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders at the moment, but the truth is, God does not require us to fulfill any societal pressures. The most reassuring verse in the Bible, for now, came from Proverbs 31 because it taught me to pray that my husband would have full confidence in me as his wife. If he feels confident in me, then I suppose I should feel the same as well. If I'm praying for everyone else, I have many more people to pray for me, too. In every situation I could think about what I give out or what I gain in return. The second category is FAR weightier than the first. Think about it, I do minimal work for my mother, but in return receive love when I pray, when I see my husband, when I see my mom, etc. It is an amazing cycle.
I have a great life. I eat when I want to, more often than not. I can bundle up when I get cold or use the air-conditioner when I am warm. I have a shower to use daily, if not, extravagant as it is, twice a day! My clothes are easily cleaned in the washing machine and dried in a similar fashion. I have books to read and all the opportunity in the world to educate myself. I don't want to squander any of it and I don't want to mumble along the way... I am struggling for self-expression when all the while it is me who threatens my ability to see myself clearly. What seems to be the problem? I grow stagnant. I get bored. I get greedy and I get complacent. What is it I would like to do?
I would like to write a book. I would like to love people and give them hope. I would like to fulfill my calling, I would like to be adventurous, I would like to live vibrantly, I would like to talk to people and encourage them, I would like to stop sweating the small things, I would like to worry less, I would like to walk my dog more often, I would like to show more love to my siblings, I would like to everyday pour all that I have out of me, I would like to bury fear and doubt and repression, I would like to kick any lies about those three former things square in the mouth and then stomp on their heads. I would like to know what makes me tick, what makes me smile and pursue those things, I would like to know the balance between pride and confidence, I would like to have confidence in my actions and in every moment in between. I would like to pursue my goals and my dreams, I would like to feel supported by my loved ones, I would like to embrace change and I would like to communicate more easily. I would like to rip the curtain away from the window in order to see every flaw and perfection more clearly, I would like to embrace my life more fully. I would like to live my life like never before and like I am no longer waiting for anyone else to get me going. I am no longer going to be held back by the small things, but I would like to wake up with a running start, no matter what it is that I'll be doing. We come into this world kicking and screaming and I intend, to the best of my ability, to go out exactly the same way.
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