My mind is racing, probably thanks to the large cup of coffee I just drank. Mixed in with anxiety about what it is I should be doing, what I need to accomplish verses what it is that I want to do. That's the think though, I'm not even sure what it is that I would be doing if I could do anything in the world. I guess I'd pick to be here. In a warm coffee shop with Adele on, I even scored the plush chair. Can't really beat that. So, my thoughts of what to do next are what are keeping me back, in a sense. I know that I need to do homework, there is infinitely a paper to write, a book to read, a project to prepare for. There is a future to plan for, programs to apply to and then there are the intricacies of daily life, a flight I need to cancel, a room that needs to be cleaned, groceries that should probably be purchased. Why is it that I don't want to do anything besides sit here? Sit here and type every thought that comes to mind? Probably the caffeine that has an ADD effect on my thoughts. Maybe its emotional though. There is something about this crowded place that reminds me of home. The people all around in the midst of their days, none bothered by my existence, neither readily seeking out my opinion. All of us content to be in our own worlds, yet creating a universe in which we are all coexisting. I like that. I like the feeling of unity and of knowing everyone takes moments, as I am, to just make time stand still, to make it hover like a cloudy atmosphere. Thats what we're doing in a sense, it doesn't matter what the clock is doing because no one is looking. I love that.
There's a confession I  need to get off of my chest and since I'm not in therapy and probably won't be, I'll lay it out here. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of striving for something that might not work out. I'm not going to be though. I'm striving towards overcoming that. Biblically, I know I was not made to be a vessel of fear. Historically, I know they say the only way to success is to try, try, and try again. Logically, what is the worst that can happen?
So, what is it I want to do? I want to write a ten page paper for class and I decided to do a fictional piece about a girl who is using logic to convince her audience that English is a necessary area of study... I wrote the introduction already, but I am struggling in making it take off. Who should her audience be? Plus, my professor wants me to make it a genre fiction, leaning towards detective of sci-fy. Um. Okay. She is a girl with magical capabilities. She is actually living in a dream world. Or should small(ish) aspects be that fantastic? Should the characters in the story be reincarnated, yet this does not affect the seriousness of her proposal? So, she is writing to a world about the importance of language and literature because she recognizes that the world is becoming a place where virtues are silenced and the feeling of being lost is amplifying, but the background piece is that she is on a journey of self-discovery. She has her own personal life that is going up in smoke, so she burrows further into the world of literature. She becomes a piece of literature? No. She begins reading so much that she discovers that history in fact does repeat itself, but then what?
How about, the world is a little different in that once every one has a mission and once your mission is complete, you can leave, move on, maybe to come back and do another? The kicker is that you fall so in love with your mission, you can't help but complete it. This happens to the main character, her life goes on and she feels compelled to help people embrace literature. She knows that once her study is complete she'll die and move on, but she is okay with that and tries to dedicate her whole life to the study. Of course, along the way she falls in love with a man who has yet to discover his life mission, they vary so much, and she tries to stay as unattached as possible to save him from the hurt. In the end, either she can die or she doesn't die because what she thought was her life mission really wasn't. It was a distraction from fully loving another, an unselfish love that she finally demonstrates when she admits it all to the guy upon which she dies in a moment when her soul reaches complete ecstasy. It's okay though because he will recover.
Now, to put that into a story? Good luck!