My Journey through Depression

Pregnancy was emotionally, mentally, and psychologically difficult for me.

Of course, I felt like an idiot when I explained that to my sister-in-law who was on bed rest during her second pregnancy. It's still hard for me to feel legitimate when I examine my situation, since I know it mostly takes place on the inside and leaves scars very few will ever notice.

I found out during my first pregnancy that depression while expecting is called perinatal depression. I had happened to be walking through the mall, feeling more than just bloated, fighting back tears. My husband and I were fighting again and I was mortified to be doing so in public, when we should have been enjoying ourselves. I felt angry, betrayed, and sad. An overwhelming sense of sadness. Why?  I'm not sure exactly, except I know there was a hint of dashed expectations in there, too.

We had married after only 5 months of courtship and I was pregnant less than two months after the honeymoon. With everything happening so quickly, I was just as quick to blame this seemingly consistent numbness and pain on the trials we were facing, rather than to label my illness.

I didn't want to admit the problem. I didn't want to say that word, "Depression."
And not just depression, but perinatal depression. A depression because of raging hormones and God knows what else happens in our bodies the moment we conceive.

I often look back on that first pregnancy and my second and I can see glimpses of moments I am not proud of. Questioning friends who contacted my husband with a fierce sense of obligation and protectiveness. It's embarrassing now and honestly it hurt some of my friendships, but I was just doing what I thought I had to at the time. Call it primal, if you will. I know it to be what happens while I'm pregnant, because as soon as the baby is born, I have an overwhelming sense of relief.

Actually, the first time I was flooded with relief. The second time, I did have lingering feelings of isolation and detachment for about 6 weeks, but I recovered and now those blues are a distant, albeit sometimes painful memory.

The reason I'm writing this is because I don't want other soon to be moms to feel alone in their angst. We all experience different symptoms, to varying degrees. Try to carry on the best you are able and forget all the rest. Just remember, even if no one else can relate and you feel ashamed or unsure of who you can talk to, this too shall pass. It's beyond your control and you need comfort- NOT judgement! Good luck and remember the little life inside of you completely appreciates the sacrifices you are going through to get where you are! Good job, and keep going strong! You're doing a great job and I'm proud of you momma!