Frustration

Today was my first official day back as a Sonoma State student. By official, I simply mean that it was the first day back after syllabi had been distributed and some people have already discarded their sense of uniformity in preference of the ever controversial, much loved sweat outfit. It isn't that I have any feelings against this demonstration of personal comfort, I note it only to illuminate my own separation from that innocent, self-absorbed mentality that entitles one who means well in being present, but offers much less effort beyond that. Maybe the times have changed, maybe I'm off in my accusation. I will concede that the little effort being shown is sometimes all the student can give, if they are to be present at all, in which case, as in the other, I reserve judgment and simply state it as a result.

Some may wonder, what makes me an expert on student appearance or even gives me the authority to speak like a campus veteran? Well, kudos, because I am as good at hiding my secret sensitivity as a bulimic who has throw-up on her elbow. I spent the last few hours of class today trying to out run that thought, though it followed me out the door of that fateful meeting. As is the usual for me, I was drawn to a fiery student next to me, let's call him Andrew, Drew he would insist. A respectful individual with the intelligence to back his reserved yet confident position. I had noticed him the first day, along with others, and honestly had overlooked the amount of thinking he was doing based on his appearance. A rookie mistake and completely unacceptable! Be that as it may, we sat in the same places today and I quickly felt an affinity with him, although to be honest, his thinking may well have passed my own as his thoughts came out clean and polished when I produced similar quality with what felt like a much clankier machine. All this to say that, as clearly as in a dream when you've shown to class wearing nothing more than your chonies, I felt a huge label of "Too Old for School" across my head. Vanity of all vanities. However, there I was and there, in my mind, the thought resides.
My self-esteem was not the only tragedy in today's activities. My idealism was confronted, as it had been in the early stages of my experience in higher education. I walked into class with a giant misconception and without any reason. For, my first assignment had been to read a piece by Bacon in which he suggests a radical reform to education and perception of knowledge. Given the year of 1620 you might imagine the vast inclusion of religious references. To my satisfaction. I am at a place in my life where I find comfort in offering up my contentions and related, rather admirably, to Bacon's divergence from topic to pray for Divine leadership and ayuda. Well well well. Welcome back, Jennifer Webb, to higher education in a liberal, public education system. Not only did I find myself surprised with the force of anti-religious sentiment coming from the students, which I feel wouldn't be so bothersome as I am used to differing opinions, but it knocked me on my feet to realize how far changed my own perspective was. Here I was relating to a speaker, and had whole-heartedly contended with his remarks, and thinking I had understood him and then I get to class and apparently what he said was heresy in sheep's clothing and his poetic metaphors were all about his latent sexual desire. I was in a precarious situation. Before I knew what was happening, my hand was up defending a prayer to a God for safe-keeping  and it was stated in what could have only been the most righteous, 'naive,' matter-of-fact position. I figure I'm alright there, as long as I can keep a handle on my frustration enough to deliver my thoughts in a rational manner, as opposed to a half-crazed religious zealot. Where would the fun of that be, anyway? So I press on, knowing I will be defending a dying breed. Wondering though if feelings like mine would be considered strife? I hope so in the sense that there is something of a flame being ignited when you have a point to prove or an honor to defend.