Isn't it strange how saying "let's stay in touch" can take on a completely different meaning than "I need to say in touch with my emotions"? Quite obviously the desire to 'stay in touch' with a romantic interest takes on a divergent meaning as well.
To say one thing and to mean another, what an odd concept that we developed. Would life be simpler or duller if we erased all of these phrases and simply said exactly what we meant?
I need to, I have a desire to comprehend how I am feeling throughout the day, all day, but at the same time I do not want my day to be ruled by my emotions. Therefore, I would like to be aware of how I am feeling because I think once I am aware, I will be able to match my activities up, or align them, to create a positive flow of life rather than one convoluted with mistakes and regrets. I think that would help because I would know what I want to do before I do it. I just realized though that that would also entail having the logic to work out whether what I want in the moment will coincide and reinforce what I want for my future. That would be a detail I would definitely like to grasp, the problem is that I am unsure as to what I want my future to be. I guess that is why I am in Rome though. I couldn't figure out all of the small details, so I went as broad as possible. I know I like being abroad. I know I enjoy learning. I love feeling alive and conquering challenges. I'm interested in cultures and I like learning the intricacies of places otherwise unfamiliar to me. With all of that said I'm confident now that my decision to come here to take this course was a wise decision. Now that I'm here though I want to make the most of my thoroughly brief time. I want to enjoy the sights, feel brave some more, lose myself only to find me again and to continue meeting people that remind me just how small the world is while simultaneously exploding the idea in my face that I have yet to scratch the surface as some of them have or even because of what they can show me that I didn't even realize I was missing.
I still want to enjoy the small things though and I do not want to chase some mythical being called intellect. I know I will never be able to become familiar with all the places of the world, but I'd like to try.
Today was one of my favorite days in Rome so far. I did absolutely nothing. I sat in a park, listening to an accordion player, who was playing for a group of elderly people and they were enjoying each other and delighting in each new song he began and I read. Ironically, I sat with a copy of Death in Venice, an old copy I picked up on my last day in town and it was coming to it's climax, but I left before the conclusion. I'm always that way. I near the end, but instead of coming to a point of closure I decide to prolong the inevitable. That and there were two little boys riding scooters and playing and I was rather distracted with their antics, so I wondered on home. The day though, was wonderful and relaxing and inspiring. My book is so cliche-ly poetic and I ate it up like a girl receiving roses and chocolates. There is something so satisfying to me about stumbling on a poet's work that is so full of self-expression and lacking in any sort of survival's restraint. I'm not sure if I'd call it hope, but it was certainly refreshing.
I came home and made a patriotic salad full of greens, a sweet and perfect red tomato with a cheese I couldn't tell you the name of, but I know it was packaged in a way I have never seen before and didn't look like any cheese I've ever bought. That combination with a sprinkle of olive oil, pepper and salt concluded my meal and I couldn't have been happier. Home-made meals always do that to me and so far this is day two of what I hope is a continuous streak of American made, Italy provided delights.
Of course, skyping with my mom afterwards was an excellent way to conclude the evening. She and I are, after all, doing our best at keeping in touch.
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