I love this!

Solomon, the son of David.
In 2 Chronicles, Verse 1.

"And Solomon determined to build an house for the name of the Lord, and an house for his kingdom."

The interesting part of this is that he was already committed to building the house of God. God told David that his son was going to build the house of God, not David because he had shed too much blood. In 1 Chronicles, we read over and over again that Solomon is to complete the house of the Lord in David's stead. We hear all of that from first God, but ultimately from David. Can you imagine the pressure? It is like being told you are taking over your father's business. And who knows Solomon's heart while all of this is going on? We don't, that's for sure, but can you imagine? "No, Dad, I want to be an artist, not an architect." Or, "I'm inheriting and entire kingdom, you expect me to do what now?" I can picture this because I know what my heart was feeling. That is, of course, not the reaction of the honorable Solomon. He deals with his calling in a way I would love, and hope, to glean from.
"And Solomon determined to build an house for the name of the Lord, and an house for his kingdom."
It is not until this opening of 2 Chronicles that we hear Solomon's heart on the subject. He is telling God, "Challenge accepted." We might have prophesy after prophesy laid on our lives, but it will mean nothing until we purpose to complete it. It is not until he claims his destiny that he, Solomon, begins to ask God for the materials and insight he will need to build a great enough house for the Lord. Now, how can we accept a task that seems greater than our strength and ability? Don't believe that you can do it alone, for starters. Not for a moment did Solomon begin collecting rocks and pebbles on his own and straining his back muscles, telling able-bodied men along the way, "No, no, I've got this. God said for me to build the house." Stubborn and prideful as I might be, Solomon was surely not. It is up to us, however, to show God our hearts, to be obedient to our calling, and to ask God for help as Solomon does in verse 10 of 2 Chronicles. "Give me now wisdom and knowledge, that I may go out and come in before this people: for who can judge this thy people, that is so great?" He starts there. He asks to be a great leader, knowing full well that the tak on hand will be challenging, he asks for help. Stop myself there! I am a twenty-four year old woman with no big plans on my life except for the promise that one day I will become a preacher, and for now I am committing myself to a man and we are getting married in a little over a week. Do I dare ask for help? Is it an easy thing to do? Absolutely not! It scares the daylight out of me! Ask for help, for what? I hardly know where to begin. Instead of being bogged down by the idea that I need to say the right things, I want to express my heart to the Lord and surely He will know what needs to happen next. As we will find, if we continue looking to Solomon's life for advice. Do you ever wonder, "Who am I to the Lord and does He really love me?" The answer is "Yes!" He does, but it is up to us to show God our hearts, to be obedient to our calling, to ask God for help as Solomon does in verse 10 of 2 Chronicles. When we do this, when we take the time to show God our imperfections, the weaknesses we are trying to hide, He will rush in like a tidal wave to comfort all of our pain. It is in 2 Chronicles 1:11 that we see how much God loves and values Solomon for his individual sake, rather than as a pawn in the scheme of completing the project begun by his father.

"11And God said to Solomon, Because this was in thine heart, and thou hast not asked riches, wealth, or honour, nor the life of thine enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people, over whom I have made thee king:

12Wisdom and knowledge is granted unto thee; and I will give thee riches, and wealth, and honour, such as none of the kings have had that have been before thee, neither shall there any after thee have the like."

Wow. It makes me feel like the kid who asked for heaps and heaps of presents on Christmas, only to realize that there are children around the world who simply ask for a measly bite to eat and would be completely satisfied. I realize how blessed I am. 

"But who is able to build him an house, seeing the heaven and heaven of heavens cannot contain him? who am I then, that I should build him an house, save only to burn sacrifice before him" (2 Chronicles 2:6)?

See, Solomon recognized his weakness. He asks of the Lord because he is unsure of himself. In the same chapter, Solomon proceeds to ask God to send him what he needs. He asks for a builder of gold. He asks for the timber to come to him. He literally asks for everything he needs in order to build the house of the Lord. How much more would you ask for if you knew your work was going to be pleasing and honorable for the heavenly father?

"18And he set threescore and ten thousand of them to be bearers of burdens, and fourscore thousand to be hewers in the mountain, and three thousand and six hundred overseers to set the people a work."

Now, throughout Chapter 2 many strangers come and offer their help to Solomon. All that he prays for is answered. I love the last verse of this chapter, verse 18. Never fool yourself into thinking that any job oyu have will be accomplished on your own. It took 3,600 overseers. Can you imagine? That is some kind of delegation that I surely need to become more comfortable in.

Lord, please allow me to relinquish the reigns as I prepare for our wedding date. Lord, please allow me to let helpers in and to see a vision clearly from you, so that the task at hand is made that much easier. Lord, please send me those I need to make it a beautiful and fun-filled day. Please send the finances to us to order all of the food we need, and the flowers and the decorations. Please give me a dance floor of wood and lighting across the floor to brighten the yard from overhead. Please send someone with knowledge to run that process. God, thank you for giving me strength and for allowing me to express every single need to you with the faith that you are generous to complete it and faithful to answer our prayers. Amen.

I realize this is not the house of God I'm building. However, it is a representation of how blessed my life has been since I've been able to let my fiance in and express our lives through the love of God. he has blessed us so much already with our family and friends, it is incredible! We needed tables. Got them for free from our church. We needed help preparing the tables. My mom suggested an idea and we ran with it, now each table will be decorated by other individuals and they will prepare the decorations and the place settings. We only ever got the idea to accept so much help from our Pastor who has seen a number of weddings and knew what she was talking about! It's all coming together so nicely and I am extremely grateful and honored. I can't wait to see the final product next Saturday! Or to see my groom waiting at the other end of the aisle! :)

Amen God, and thank you, for all that you do and for all that you are.

Bible Questions...

Hebrews 3:12, 18-19 "See to it brothers that none of you have a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God."
"And to whom did God swear that they would never enter his rest if not to those who had unbelief? 19)So we see that they were not able to enter, because of their unbelief."

So any of us who believe, then we do not become disqualified for disobeying?
If I know without a doubt that the living God is present and that "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight" and "everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account,"does it not erase my fear of being inappropriate or wrong since I know He will eventually see it (Hebrews 4:13)? I will never act with disbelief because I know that He exists. The fact that I need to constantly remind myself of all the good He has done in my life in the last eight months alone is a whole different issue (I am apparently full of these).
Now how does this change the way I should behave throughout my days? Knowing every action is viewed and judged by my maker. I am almost scared to view my day through that lens, even though I know it is not for me to judge, but for Him. That is a relief!
If I dare to, since I do, what do I see? I see me behaving like a scared puppy. Afraid to straighten up for fear of being knocked back down. And who is knocking me down? Myself. Myself and my fear of the world. Is that the same as disbelief? Disbelief in the Word perhaps, that I am more than a conqueror since I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I see my belief in that same Christ, the Father and the Holy Spirit as my strength and the vanquisher of any other harmful disbelief.
The me who wonders, the me who questions and the me who worries is quite ugly. Like the witch from Terry Pratchett's Witches Abroad I'm wondering if I'm the sister trapped in the mirror or the one who is free to roam around and cause mischief? I wake up some mornings knowing full well that my thoughts are not aligning with the love and joy of the Most High, yet I am too weak to change it. I don't hit my knees when maybe I ought. I don't seek the comfort and the strength of those who follow Christ. It clearly calls all of us to "encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of [us] may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness" (Hebrews 3:13). I love my God more than anything. My desire is to share His light and His word. Why is it at times I am afraid to speak my mind or to share my heart? Am I afraid I do not align with the word of God or have not, perhaps, positioned myself just so He can use me? There's no positioning I can do, be it hiding under a rock or sitting in the very front pew, that will get my God to take notice or hide myself from His view. He sees us, me and you, and He's using us to do all that we can do. That is such a relief to me, I can hardly wait to really start living for Him! God Almighty :)

I may be weak, I may be wrong, but my position is not one of disbelief and never will be. I pray there has been enough of that. That God's word may overtake me and use me to glorify Him and to encourage my neighbors. Amen.

The Cure for the Common Life

Wake up: 6 am
Brush teeth: 2 minutes
Eat Breakfast. (brush teeth again).
It all goes on and on and it can do so with very little purpose. Or, with a purpose we don't recognise and many won't care to see.
I found myself in a similar cycle. I might not have known it, I was going along my life "just fine." But then, every once and awhile, I'd have these episodes when I would just break down and cry. No reason I could think of. Everything was "good." So why did I have an elephant sitting on my chest and an interpretation of Shakespeare's great tragedy frolicking through my mind as I thought of the events of my own life? Well, I was reading this book, Cure for the Common Life, written by Max Lucado and he explains that we all have a bag of assets waiting for us to use. We are born with them, after all God created us in our mothers' wombs and specifically designed us to fulfill a purpose. If we are not fulfilling a specific role, I know precisely how we might feel....like an elephant is sitting on our chests and that we are living out an interpretation of.. you get the point. The point is, I want to be happy. I want to be fulfilled, but most importantly I must fulfill God's calling on my life in order to achieve either of those.
How do I do that?
Not sure yet, plus out of time, but I'll keep posting because more than ever I desire to find the answer...the cure :)
Through prayer I will believe that God will reveal His plan and purpose for me and for all those who find themselves, like me, desperately seeking their callings.
What I do know is that God is good and faithful to reveal all things in due time. I never would have guessed feeling this revived and this refreshed given the journey I know I must embark on, but come one, trips are always exciting and fresh starts are even more refreshing than that. I'm excited to see what God has planned for me and to try to peace (piece) the pieces together.
Clue One: Prophecy. Has God every placed a person in your life to prophesy the the things to come. That's a good place to start!
Skill set: What makes you tick and thrive? Go there. Which jobs include not one or two or only three of those sets, but a majority of them? There will be a job or a duty in which God can use us all!
I have to go for now, but I can guarantee I'll be thinking about this as much as I'm able. I'm praying against anxiety during this time of reflection because I know God is ultimately in control. I also pray for guidance and direction. "The Lord is a light unto my feet and a lamp unto my path." Amen! and God bless you!
Love, Jenn

The greatness of God.

I'm not sure why sometimes God seems closer to my heart and my thoughts and is all around combined with me, but I love it and I'm grateful. Take for example the second day when I have been completely aware of God's presence. I'm taking note because it helps me not be so forgetful!

Yesterday, I went wedding dress shopping. I never expected that to me, but there I was in a gown looking more glamorous then ever. Thanks mostly to the dress, although I did mentally note that I want to be kinder than myself. In one of those dresses, I realized I have absolutely no reason to be hard on myself. A gorgeous dress like that can probably make anyone appear stunning, but the Lord knows how amazing it was. It was beautiful. My family there in the waiting area. My mother's beaming my face, my sister gorgeous expression, my cousin's, my nieces and my twelve year old sister Emily's. It was the most precious moment of the day, I kid you not. I was amazed by their beauty and generosity to spend the three hours consulting when I'm pretty sure it is supposed to take only an hour or so (or less!). But, my family is a gift from God and I could never have gotten through the initial stages of my wedding (or my life!) without them. I'm feeling exorbitantly blessed and highly favored and so I know it is and will be my duty and honor and great gift to do the same for someone else when those times come :)

In the morning directly after, I found out my oldest sister is pregnant. For me, it feels like the first time of becoming an aunt again. I'm so joyous. She already has three children and I love them, but I'm so blessed to be getting another. Especially since she is such an awesome Mom. I count it as a joy to be able to spend time and be included with her and her family. I ask the Lord and pray to keep her and my sister-in-law safe during their dual pregnancies! Why, that's right, they are simultaneously pregnant and both going to be gleaming beauties with their bundles of joy. I can't wait to meet Ambar's new addition either. Her first is so unique and different and although I see less of him, he lights up my life and I know its going to be a HUGE gigantic blessing that God has already blessed them with. God is so good and I can't see how I ever looked at life without Him!

Back to the wedding dress for a brief moment. The pricing was a gift from God. I wanted to spend no more than 250.00 dollars and I did. The dress I fell in love with, the one that was made for me or I for it... :) That one was only 199.99 and after adding the garment bag it came out to 226. I was meant to have that dress and I know it. God is rich in mercy and so gracious. My wedding is coming together absolutely as planned. That is, I've done hardly any planning but somehow every little detail is going better than I ever would have imagined. I'm so thankful and excited and happy and at peace tonight. I pray Lord that I will express the appropriate amount of gratitude to everyone who is helping me because I am so grateful to You Lord and to all of them!

So, this morning my sister and mom and I attended a wedding expo. That was the most fun I've had yet. We had some champagne and we were able to do some cake testing and talking and planning and it was really great! It felt like a very mature wedding thing to do, but the truth is, the amount of fun we had was based off of spending the time together and for that, I feel even more blessed than by anything we were able to accomplish or not!

And so now my weekend is winding down and I'm ready to watch the sermon and the pastor is laying out for me the ways I specifically need to change my life in order to not feel so stressed or tired. It won't be easy, but its exactly what I needed to hear. How did he know to tell me all of that? Oh, that's right, he didn't, but he listens to the Holy Spirit and I believe that Holy Spirit had something He needed to tell me :)

Jeremiah 5

25 Your iniquities have turned away these things, and your sins have withholden good things from you.26 For among my people are found wicked men: they lay wait, as he that setteth snares; they set a trap, they catch men.s27 As a cage is full of birds, so are their houses full of deceit: therefore they are become great, and waxen rich.s28 They are waxen fat, they shine: yea, they overpass the deeds of the wicked: they judge not the cause, the cause of the fatherless, yet they prosper; and the right of the needy do they not judge.29 Shall I not visit for these things? saith the Lord: shall not my soul be avenged on such a nation as this?

30 A wonderful and horrible thing is committed in the land;s31 The prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests bear rule by their means; and my people love to have it so: and what will ye do in the end thereof?s

Matthew 16

24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?27 For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.28 Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.

***an absence of stress. 

we live in a beautiful world God and I'm grateful for every moment. Lord, please help me l.ive in that and walk in it. to turn from whatever sin or iniquity causes me to struggle and fail. Thank you God in Heaven for your loving kindness. I will be forever grateful to you Lord. Please visit me whenever need be and allow me, please, to enter into your courts frequently, boldly and gracefully. I worship you Lord and savior and my king. Thank you for all that you've done and for all that you are. Amen. 9/30/12

I'm getting married!!!

What's the point of this blog? I'm getting married. "But what's the point," I ask myself. Everyone already knows and if they don't they will eventually. The point is grace. The point is that I would never be where I am if God did not exist and was not leading me down this path.
It is, after all, a virtually impossible path I'm embarking on. Then again, I'm not doing it alone.
There's another time and place for that story though, the one I need to share right now is a little less poetic and more angry. It's one of those personal pieces that isn't meant to be shined up and put on display. Nevertheless. Here I am, so I'm angry, I'm frustrated and I'm frustrated of being frustrated.
My fiance and I are getting married on October 27th. Of this year. Does anyone have a problem with that? I know you do because I've heard your comments about couples in your shoes before and I see the looks that we get. Does it matter? Not really. Should it? I'm not sure, but I'm done with the doubt and the questions affecting my joy. My fiance and I are so happy it isn't even funny. We are more in love than I know what to do with. He completes me and he feels the same.
We have a month to get married and we honestly have no idea what we are doing!
We have to order flowers. I have to find myself a dress as well as order bridesmaids dresses. We have to get decorations, order invitations, get a caterer, plan our finances and all of that, but in the back ground, even with all of that, we are so happy to be marrying eachother. Regardless of the pain, we know we are doing the right thing and that's the testimony to God. Maybe now it looks different, but in thirty years when we are sitting side by side, I'm going to know we made the right decision. He's the most loving, caring man I've ever met. I'm just really happy with him. And no, life is not perfect but I'm not going to be let down by it anymore. He and I are taking it one day at a time and thankfully within one month we'll be able to figure it all out together.

Day one of God talking to me and telling me everything is going to be fine:
Ephesians 2:14 "For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility...15)His purpose was to create in himself one new man, out of two, thus making peace. 16)and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility."

Who of you know that two people joining their lives, until forever, after only five months of knowing each other need God to kill the hostility? It presents itself for absolutely no reason and he and I are believing God that He has made a way through this pain. We are resting in His peace and the promise that He brings and that's worth it to me to marry someone I know I can trust and who brings me more joy than I've ever experienced in my life.

The second verse I saw this morning (thank you God!) is 1 Corinthians 7:1-7. No time to write it up right now...going to dinner with the mom and mom-in-law to do some planning! Thank you God for joy and peace. Thank you for this time of celebration!

Love, Jenn!
Follow along for more updates on the wedding and other fun details!!! :)
Next on the list is a wedding dress. At this rate, I hope I fit in right away because we are out of time for alterations. lol. God's grace is enough, even when I don't deserve it. He's good all of the time. Amen!

Did you know...

Christians have their own vernacular? In this case, I am using the following definition for vernacular, "the language or vocabulary peculiar to a class or profession" (dictionary.reference.com). 
As always, for believers in Christ, this is probably common knowledge. However, as a non-believer or a "prodigal," I was unaware that Christians had their own language and as a consequence I was completely turned off to any religious conversations because I couldn't relate. Especially since some words have two meanings, one in the "worldly" context and one in the Christian vernacular. Perhaps a brief anecdote would help. 

There was once a child who thought she knew it all. That is, she realized the world was vast and was completely undiscovered and she hungered to learn all that she could. With absolute naivety she set out to do this and lost herself along the way. How does one lose oneself? Simple. You must first believe all things are good. In this, simple Christiandom becomes dangerous. And by simple Christiandom I mean the belief in Jesus Christ as a savior, a friend, a forgiver of all deeds and an utter avoidance of the discussion of Satan and all that he hopes to accomplish. See when that little girl set off to explore the world she was already enveloped in sin. As subtle as that sin might have been at first, it was present and it is said, "once the door is opened, a thief's job is made that much easier." Was there a thief? Absolutely. 

Let me pull back here as your narrator to explain that Satan does indeed exist. Have you not noticed that there is even a whole religion devoted to praise Satanic beliefs? We, Christians that is, refer to Satan as a thief for two main reasons, two that I will address and that suffice for support. It says so in the Bible. And do Christians believe everything we read? No. If it is in the Bible do we? Yes. Why? Because we base our life on the principles in the Bible and after we do that we begin to see the "fruit" in our lives. I'll come back to that another time. 
The second reason we label Satan as a thief is because we have seen his efforts result in an extreme case of loss. Loss of joy; this through a loss of a loved one, loss of finances, loss of confidence, loss of a job, etc. There are many comforts which humans might lose and we blame it (accurately) on an enemy, namely, Satan. 
Now, it is not a vague sort of blame or a childish whine. We, Christians, accept complete responsibility for avoiding large "pit-falls." For example, we cannot rightly blame an enemy if we wind up in a terrible relationship, in which the baby's father wants nothing to do with the child and finances are so tight we are barely able to afford our groceries, if we were the ones in the first place who chose to go out and contradict the word (The Bible) through sleeping around and not tithing. All things are tied together as the girl from our story eventually figures out. The good news, and there is ALWAYS good news while living as a Christian, is that God accepts us. Yes, we must first admit that we do indeed sin* but beyond that, God loves us and will help us restore our faith and therefore restore what it is the devil set out to destroy, our lives. See, everything is so intricately overlapped that God's mercy and grace are more fully explored in the moments when one knows that the devil seeks to destroy joy but in an instant when we kneel and pray, to ask God's help in overcoming the "thief," our joy is restored, our energy resumed, and the loss is turned into a life-giving instance. It's miraculous and it does take a Christian's vernacular, an understanding of the language, to understand what it is all these Christians are talking about. Otherwise it doesn't sound far different from voo-doo or some other mystical development. The difference is, God's love isn't selective. At the place where one enters the conversation, there one will be met with understanding and the ability to expand, as with any other avenue of learning. It is as searchable as the universe and it's no wonder, given that the creator created creation and therefore the mystery of it all is there to be explored and enjoyed and it is so joyous to recognize that your hopes are all as valid as the exploration of galaxies that we will most likely never thoroughly explore but find it amazing all the same. God's glory is like that, except with the promise that once you die you will see heaven! If heaven seems far-stretched for you, I'll have to write another essay because this one obviously only scratches the surface! I'd be happy to actually :)

*what is sin? Any activity that draws one further away from the love of God. Why? Because if we participate in such or such activity and we begin to feel as if God loves us less and less, we will be unable to express to the next person we encounter how good God is, how much He has done for us, and in return how much God loves that person too! That is also a definition of what it means to feel convicted. Let's save that one for another time too! Just know that to sin is to be human (or you might have heard it as "to err?") Well, either way, it's true. However, with Jesus Christ and God, Christians say we have a savior who rescues us from the enemy who sets up traps. Think of it as the original Western or ultimate RPG. Except it's real life. And it's your life. And it's mine. We live it out, we talk it out. We have a vernacular because we need one. There's no other way to communicate how much God does for us with out expressing it in a unique way. 

Back to our story:

See, the girl went off into her own little world and as the door was open to the enemy, she began sinning more and more. At first it was one party here and another there, until it was almost every night and the things she used to love most no longer appeared on her stage and she was lost in a very tragic story. She played her friends and her cards and eventually lost it all, but it was partly her fault, but partly a language barrier to blame. She had been warned, you should know. That a thief was out there, to kill, damage and destroy, but she thought that was silly since she couldn't see him, not really. He was clothed up in bottles and songs at the club, but he was harmful all the same and he confused her ideas on a thing the world* calls love. In the Bible it's defined as the ultimate sacrifice, no questions on whether what we do is wrong or right. In the world, as she saw it, love was the same as acceptance. If she was accepted, then who else wasn't? Not the sinners around her, they were all the same, but the people who loved her because they were part of her pain. They didn't love her because they weren't as accepting, not as desirous of change. What type of change though did she want to see? She looked for answers, all the while not seeing that her attention was divided. She looked for wisdom, but her heart went into hiding. So lost and confused, she never felt whole. Happiness she felt, but she also felt old. Tired and weary from nights full of sinning, or drinking and sleeping and going back to the same old thing. And so she decided a change finally needed to be made and she did something she was so glad that she did. She stopped listening to lies and sought a real answer. What in this world offers lasting joy? Offers peace? Well, she remembered that something called God did and as she sought Him with her whole heart, do you know what He did? He turned her around and away from the pain, He presented her with a heart that was open and healing. He reintroduced her to the ones who had loved her, who never stopped all along and to the friends she had wronged, He gave her hope in heart that she would never again feel so all alone. It was good and long, the journey was hard but as most journeys are, she never once thought it wrong that she took the chance to take a journey with God. So, the story goes that she began to understand what it was others had told her, or His love and His wisdom and even the fruits of the Spirit, but all of those words were initially, very confusing, so if you need any help as you try to figure it out, just ask a friend and please don't be shy. Christians understand that they come off as different, that we draw your attention. We desire the chance to tell you our story so you'll know we were once as confused and bewildered as that strange little girl who grew up to be a very nice woman. 
The End.

*When I write about the "world," I am using a Christian word to define a place with a unique set of words, ideas and behaviors that are almost in direct contradiction to those of the religious world.

God bless you and keep you and thank you for reading! And I thank God for the opportunity to share His love and grace and mercy in the way I feel comfortable,  and enjoy, doing!! He's so good!!

Sorting it out...

What a jumbled mess.
How completely simple, yet utterly complex.
The chords of our hearts may hide plainly in sight,
yet to ourselves, the feelings are more than unknown.
I'm seeking for  a way to remember who it is I am supposed to be,
where is the little girl that has now become me?
and who is this now who can't remember who I used to be?
Gathering insight from memory and basing it all on reflection:
where did I go wrong and in what area do I continue messing up in?

There she is: I see me!
I'm happy and twirling and the definition of carefree.
I'm happy and secure and not at all worried.
I hit middle school and suddenly life becomes so confusing.
Everyone around me is striving and so naturally
I feel the weight and the pressure and a side of me begins to run.
I felt invisible to those who loved me,
who was I really?
A girl who filled a position, who had needs that were hardly met and when they were it was because I had caused a fit.
Needy. That was me. Needing love, and a ride, needing dinner, not too much time.
Needing a family, a signature, nothing too much but obviously not enough. I hate this view of me, so fast forward to my high school years, a different girl entirely.
The selfish years.
More independent, not asking for a lot.
No more giving either. What I had, I got and so to give seemed like everyone was asking quite a lot.
An amount I could never fulfill, the problem was obviously that my pains went unhealed.
Was I loved by my family? Probably not. Did I cause more problems than I should have? Yes. Or so I thought.
I stayed out of their way, I went to church and I prayed, I found love in a boy, stayed busy enough to not have to understand. My life was a gift, not something to run from, but when I was home I felt defeated and for that reason I desired to leave it.
I ran away to a school pretty far from my home and I finally felt freedom.
I fell in love with the life-style of making all of my own decisions. I needed a break and would go home, but was quick to return, my life was my own, just like I had dreamed it.
I was on my way to becoming something great, except for along the way God had His say.
He said, "Look around you. Do you really feel happy? You are quite selfish and you are living without Me."
I thought to myself, "What on Earth does He mean? I'm quite nice to these strangers and besides I am busy."
Busy reading and writing and filling my time. Falling further from family, from God and from joy. Walking dangerously close to the edge with a drink, a drug and a boy. Never knowing that having a moment of pleasure was risking my chances of dying for ever.
And so now when I sit and think of my life, I thank God I am living for something so bright as His love and I can't get enough.
I traded in all my vices and I'm watching as my life is
completely transformed, I only need to learn more,
I'm letting the world back in, a little bit more,
still struggling with selfish desires and fears, but in the stillness I hear,
"I'll never leave you nor forsake you. Ask Me, I'm here. The desires of your heart are granted to bring glory to God."
So, I'll press on because I believe Him.
Not for today or tomorrow or only a season,
but for life.
It's such a different life too than I ever imagined,
but I see me.
I'm dancing and twirling and I'm fully convinced
that as I seek Him, I'll find Him
that His love and His joy will overwhelm me
so that I will shine brightly to a world that once hurt me and show them a love from a God who is so deserving of my praise and my thanks for all the pain He takes away. I'm not saying a sin was never committed or that my way is perfect.
I'm saying He is the lamp unto my feet and this new way of walking is one-hundred percent, totally, completely worth it.http://www.facebook.com/lookup4change