And then there were four...

It's been an uphill battle, and I'm winded.
Countless times, I've wanted to throw down my sword (and that's not including the times I've cowered behind my shield for protection and cried bitterly like a little girl).
However, I'm not there right now.
In this moment, I'm somewhere in between.
It's not really the eye of the storm because, for now, there is no impeding doom just minutes from my doorstep.
It's more or less like I, and my invisible army, have just defeated our enemy on sacred ground and are in reprieve---until we meet again.
I'm not angry and not sad. I am, as I mentioned, winded.

In this time of catching my breath I have been able to think and here's what I've come up with:

Four is better than three. There is another baby to love and it requires so much more of me to do so.
I am not the only one loving this baby though. In fact, he is getting loved from his father and his brother, too.

I cried rapids a few times over this next one.
I am unable to love my first son the same anymore.
Oh, wait for it, my heart hurt so much over this point I thought I'd never be the same.
But, God intervened graciously on my part and pointed out that the moon and the sun do not revolve around a mother's love. Thankfully, I have a husband who can snuggle and hold our boy while I nurse or change the baby. I saw this, of course. The extra bonding time for Dad and Son, but I still yearned for our time together that was lost.
Until I understood God more clearly. If it were just up to me to make my first son feel forever loved and entirely fulfilled, I would fail and fail miserably. I have a husband who loves me and who I vowed to make number one in my life. I didn't see how easily entangled my heart had become by also loving my first son so much. I could, quite literally, give that little boy everything I have and it would never seem like enough to me. Now, introduce baby number two and I am forced to divide my time even more.
I thought at first I couldn't do it.
I thought at first that I would surely fail.
But, now, I see the bigger picture.
God gave Oliver an older brother to play with, to laugh with, and to love.
They need each other already and it is the relationship they have and the one that will flourish, that will allow me to step aside. Not every day, and certainly not in everything, but little by little, as their needs are more in sync with one another and they can provide the joy that only one little boy can bring to his brother.

Christmas Traditions!

MooI've always been one to love the holidays. If it's Easter, you can bet I'm dying Easter eggs and participating in an Easter egg hunt. On Halloween, I've always dressed up or at the very least attended a ghoulish party. Thanksgiving, which used to be my "favorite" holiday, is an occasion to absolutely see family and cook up a storm in the kitchen. I'm sure you get the idea by now, so you must be thinking, get on with the Christmas traditions already!

That's been the problem this holiday season. I've been living in Texas for the last month and getting into the holiday cheer has been both a tremendous success and simultaneous failure. The bad of it is, I've allowed the loneliness of missing family to creep into my quiet moments and threaten my positive outlook. However, while I miss them indeed, I'm always trying to find the bright side. And on that side, there are many reasons to celebrate!

For starters, this is my first married year living in an apartment with only my husband, my son, and a belly getting ready to explode on January 12th, 2015 with yet another bundle of joy! I can bake when I want, leave dishes until I have time, and pretty much run the household as I see fit. I can also decorate in ways I've been previously unable to do so. And that's precisely what I've been up to.

This has been a Christmas for all new traditions. On a DIY budget I've made a Santa Claus tree topper, snowflakes made from coffee filters, hand painted Christmas cards (which might not make it out), our door is draped in wrapping paper, and I've made one goodie I'd love to make again... brownies with crumbled Christmas candies on top! We still have a week, so there may be more new traditions to come. That's it for now though, so I hope you're enjoying your holiday ad much as I am mine! :)

Tis the season....

...to, work on your marriage. Is it now? Apparently it is for me.
All things are actually going very well, but in my prayer time and my spare time, I'm being led to read things, such as, A Wife After God. It is a devotional by Jennifer Smith. Today was Day One.
To be honest, I wasn't very excited about beginning this devotional again. I've done it twice before and there is NOTHING wrong with it...except that it requires a certain amount of submission to God's will and a lot of self-sacrifice to our husbands and time out of our days to do the reading and the journaling and the praying and the thinking. All of these add up to the perfect reason for not starting until today, which of course was not a very good reason at all, but got me where I am. To be clear, I am sitting in a position quite comfortably because I recognize that I have finally done something good for the inside of me and that God is not mad at me for waiting, but pleased I've finally taken the opportunity to make my "load" lighter.

See, we are all capable of gathering up our own strength to get the job done. I know how to love my husband, I know the actions I could take to express that I love him daily and I definitely know the things to say to show this as true. However, I have these little (sometimes monstrous) things called feelings that get in the way of my love being expressed. And when I'm feeling down, or used, or selfish, or like I am the only one in the world who cares (cares for me, cares for the kids, cares for the house, cares for the daily duties of life)- it gets exponentially harder to express love or gratitude and it looks a little something like this.

     Instead of saying what is nice, I say something horribly wrong. I say mean things. I say "You're wrong" because in my mind I haven't seen him do anything right.

     I go to bed angry, because I'd rather be upset than admit that I was sad, or felt negative emotions (anger somehow escapes that ruling because I control anger-not sadness or loneliness).

     I don't do things I normally have no problem doing, and in fact, typically consider my job. These could be silly and random, such as, hanging up his clothes he has tossed onto the chair, or straightening the living room before I go to bed. The point is, what I refuse to do out of indignation hardly affects my husband at all (he has NEVER mentioned me not doing it and ONLY acknowledges when the cleaning I've done looks good). Instead, it is done out of an ugliness burning in my soul that I somehow expect to share with him indiscriminately and subtly----
                  Which is horrible!
                   But, it's God honest truth.


So, you can see why I probably need to work on things. Which is why we are here. Me starting this devotional for that's right, count it, the third time around and beginning my Bible reading again daily. I started in Ezekiel today for many reasons. Ezekiel will be my son's middle name. When I had Hezekiah, I was obsessed with reading Isaiah and each Psalm rumored to be written by Hezekiah. I couldn't get enough of learning about the man who would share a name with my son. I have the same feeling now as our son, Oliver Ezekiel Cotham, is just one month away from being born. I want to know more about the story in the Bible and how Ezekiel conducted his life. I want to be able to tell my son all about it one day (or probably every million days before he is old enough to tell me "yeah,  Mom, you've told me this a million times").

Anyways, imagine my delight (literally, I was delighted) to find that Ezekiel wasn't just about me wanting to know about my son, but about God wanting to help me AGAIN with my marriage. This verse, in particular, stood out to me:
Ezekiel 2:8 "But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious people; open your mouth and eat what I give you."

Bam! You know what that is? Confirmation. In one little verse, I heard these words over and over, If everyone jumped off a bridge would you? Would you act like a total snob or forget the words of The Lord, just because everyone else was or had forgotten how to walk in it? Unfortunately, I sometimes do. But this was a reminder today that we are not always surrounded with those we feel are edifying or lifting us up (emotionally, spiritually, mentally) but it is OUR OWN responsibility to dig deep, to call on God and spend however long it take seeking Him, until that sense of value, of calm, and reassurance comes back to us and we can, quite literally, start acting more like His children- instead of just flat out, little kids.

Cheers and may your Season be merry- whatever journey you are currently walking it out with.
~Jenn

4 Reasons We Should be Teaching Abstince in Schools

 Abstince is just another way of saying, "Practice Self-Control." Why, in a fast-paced, technology driven society, when any image is at your finger tips and any newest model of this game or that car is just a credit card/loan away, should we teach the very basics of controlling our sexual desires? From a young mother's perspective (relatively young, based on the youth of my children and not necessarily my own), I'll give you four reasons I wish I had been taught in school how to hold off on having sex, rather than how to care for a crying baby doll and a flimsy eggshell baby.

1. We don't need to be taught how to do the bad things, we get into all that mess naturally. How many people have witnessed a mom or dad repeatedly telling their children in a store, "Now, don't touch that" or "Come here, little Johnny, stay by Daddy" or (in a hushed voice), "That isn't nice, we don't say F-A-T." People don't need to be trained to do the wrong* thing, simply because at our wits end we have decided society is too far gone to ever learn to behave. Not even close! In fact, that's a quitter's mentality. We press on, we believe that one day, in fact sooner than later, our little ones will learn to acknowledge wisdom and recognize it upon an encounter. We could teach the wrong* stuff all day, every day, but then we really have no right to be appalled at the outcome of a selfish, morally bankrupt, depressed, and lonely generation, do we?

2. I know what you might be thinking. "I am offended! You kept saying 'the wrong thing,' as in, sex before marriage is wrong!? Well, that's just rude! In fact, it's a matter of opinion."

I couldn't agree more. See above. My opinion, is that we should no longer few sex as something young couples do to see if marriage will in fact be tolerable. Trust me, I've heard it all...

       "How will you know you'll like it for the rest of your life, if you don't test the merchandise?"

         "It's just fun! I wanted to, he wanted to, so we tried it..."

All the way to:

           "So, who drove you to the clinic?" "How long did you have to wait after it happened until you        could have sex again"

To:

           "I told him I thought I was pregnant. I haven't talked to him since."
           "I had to pay for the Plan B pill. It was $45.00. He didn't even care."

Obviously, I could continue, but I won't. There isn't really much more to say. While sex can be "fun" it can also be unsafe, isolating as a female if you deal with a pregnancy alone, sad as a male if you thought she was THE ONE, but she wasn't, etc.

Sex isn't easy to navigate, even as a married couple. Sometimes you hit bumps in the road, but at least you have a partner who was committed enough to plan a wedding with, a life with, who you should know well enough to share your fears, your anxieties, and ultimately, your deepest joys with.
Whoever tells you sex is just sex is a liar. Your deepest emotions are all caught up in that little act, in those sweet moments. Wouldn't it be better to tell our youth the truth about that and ask them to reconsider casual sex for what it is? An attempt to repeatedly rip out your heart and throw it under a bus in some sick game of Russian roulette?

3. One day, you'll get pregnant and, assuming you keep the baby, you'll be a mother or a father. While these times are great and wonderful and could be the best of your life, they will also be tiring, confusing, and down-right emotional. You might it feel like dressing up in some skanky costume once you've given birth to your eight pound child and you might not feel right about having your breasts exposed as pleasurable objects, when you spend the majority of your new life using them as feeding utensils.

Is it okay if I say this? Is it okay if I present the problem with not teaching Abstince as a link to the reason mothers are still feeling pressured to squeeze back into skinny jeans and being paranoid that if they don't start putting out as soon as they recover, their husbands might not start stepping out?
See, if as a youth I'm told, "Since you can't control your urges, here are condoms and here is how to care for an eggshell if you forget the condom," I perceive that sex is bad. I perceive that sex had consequences. I perceive that maybe I shouldn't do it, but if I do....it's not that bad.

But, if I'm told that sex is SO much better when I wait. That if I wait to have sex with my partner until we are financially ready to be married and respectful enough of each other to trust one another and to put the other above our own sexual desire, well then I've learned two very important lessons.
             1. I am important enough to wait for. That no matter how beautiful I am, or even sexy I appear, my heart and my value lie more in what life I can produce eventually, than with this momentary pleasure called sex and
              2. The man I love has already waited once in his life, for however long it took before we were both ready to be married, that in the future, when it takes me one year or six months to start feeling comfortable again as both wife AND momma, I still have no fear that I have his heart and that he would wait for me, for however long it takes, for us to be sexually reunited, in one accord.

4. There is a lot of fear that goes into the approach of sex after children.
"Well, he's ready and technically, so am I...."
"He says he feels forgotten, like number two since the child arrived..."

Let me just say it like this,
A child arrived (if you are married, hence you were taught Abstince) family makes three. It does not make mom and baby         And           dad. No. It makes, Daddy, Mommy, baby 1, baby 2, etc. So where the mommy is tired and feels sexually unenthused, Daddy steps up, takes baby, helps mom rest. When Dad feels overloaded by work, financial responsibilities, Mom can help by cooking at home saving money on meals or anything else they think of. The point is, having children, of done right, will strain Mommy and Daddy. Did we learn that in sex ed? Oh no, because my egg she'll broke in a day and instead of go to jail or divorce my partner, we laughed, got a C and thought "Hey, having a baby with my partner was lots of fun today!"

Beautiful Things: Love Yourself :) (Day 3)

Day Three:

Love Thy Self.

Love thy self. You might be wondering why this is so important. Why would self-love come before so many other Godly principles, especially when this devotional is about God? I believe it is the highest calling to love ourselves as we love our neighbors (inverted). I personally was raised to believe that you aren’t rude to strangers and you always put your best foot forward. You show kindness in public (especially!) and you always say a kind thing (if you have nothing nice to say, stay quiet). These are not bad principles.

But, sometimes you need to say something unkind. Sometimes, you need to know your own needs and feel okay expressing them. Sometimes, you need to know you are loved, highly-favored and a child of God and then step out from there and assert yourself. God doesn’t want doormats, He wants children who will stand up for what is right and make His name known. This means saying what you believe in, even if everyone isn’t or believes in something else. That means not laughing at the inappropriate joke, just because everyone else is. If it is cruel and hurtful to someone else, you don’t need to laugh, you need not conform. Some people know this, they were raised this way and maybe they need to be softened. Maybe they are very comfortable expressing themselves, but have never learned to do it with love, with understanding that all people make mistakes. We can relate in one way or another. But knowing ourselves and what we need to work on is the beginning step to letting God work in us and give us guidance along the way as we begin to see ourselves as He sees us- wonderfully made and beautifully crafted and too precious to be let astray.

Prayer:

Dear God,

Thank you for knowing me and forming me in my mother’s womb. Thank you for spending time crafting me to be so perfect. Thank you that I do not have to compete with another woman or man out there, because we are all precious and beautiful- just like the roses in bloom. I know you desire for me to be free, to be comfortable being me, that even in my faults you have created a masterpiece. I appreciate the quirks in my sense of humor, I acknowledge that time alone with you is really about filling me up with your grace and message, so that all my doubts and insecurities can be erased, Forgive me for doubting your plan or your intentions and please help me on this path, wherever we may go. I love you God and I can see a very beautiful work being done in me.

Amen.

Psalm 139:13-16

“13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.”

Song: Beautiful Things by Gungor

Your Thoughts, Your Changes, Your Progress. (Space for your quiet time with God).

Devotional~ Day Two/ Forgiveness.

Day Two:

Forgiveness.

One of the hardest principles of Christianity for me to understand is forgiveness. To love and to begin trusting God, I believe we must forgive Him for anything we hold against Him (a misunderstanding, a prayer unanswered, or a heart that was torn out and broken) and then forgive ourselves for any and all of the past mistakes in our lives. We must forget where we were going before we came to Christ and begin walking like His beloved children now, highly forgiven and highly favored. We are the apples of His eye and He wants us to know how much He loves and beholds us. 

I am in need of forgiveness so often, on a daily basis, and yet I trust myself to pursue God. I have faith that I will continue on my path of seeking to understand Him and of believing in Him to fix my heart on Him permanently. I never want to go back to the life I once lived. I never want to be in that much pain or darkness, and yet, I am ungrateful and selfish still. How much grace and forgiveness have I been shown, but am still unable to operate in towards others?

He sees me with grace. I flourish under His care and loving arms. How much more for those who I can extend my grace and forgiveness to as well? To be loving and open and honest with them. To establish forgiveness and right standing and to tell them I understand where they are coming from. To withhold my guilt or condemnation because I alone am not perfect. I am not only unworthy of judging, but I am also undeserving of judgment. To forgive myself and others is a higher calling, a Godly principle that benefits us all. In the way of the world, forgiveness might seem foolish. In God's eyes, all He sees is perfection. And I'd like to spend a little more time in that light. I not only want to see people without judgment, but with an active love that sees the best in them-in anyone, all of the time.

My Prayer

Thank you Lord that you do not judge me or personally attack me when I make mistakes. Please help me to be more forgiving and gracious like you, Lord. Please help me to not take everything so seriously or personally, in light of eternity. God, I know sometimes things don’t go my way and I can begin to think negatively. I’m sorry I doubt you and I’m sorry I doubt your love for me. Mostly, I’m sorry for a haughty attitude I can carry with me, especially since it affects how I deal with the rest of your people. Thank you for your forgiveness and your never ending love and kindness. Thank you that today is a new day and that you can renew my soul and give me strength to go out and interact in a way that would make you smile. Amen.

2 Chronicles 33:12-13

“In his distress he sought the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his ancestors. 13) And when he prayed to him,  the Lord was moved by his entreaty and listened to his plea; so he brought him back to Jerusalem and to his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the Lord was God.

Song: At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott

Your Thoughts, Your Changes, Your Progress. (Space for your quiet time with God).

Devotional

  A Road Map 

              The college student's devotional.

Preface

The following devotional was written with the intense desire to serve God and to help people. I have personally gone through what I write about and hope to reach those who can relate. The following twenty-one entries are intended to provide you with an intimate experience with God as you begin your journey with HIm. You may already be walking with God and wish to draw closer, that is alright too. 

Included in every day's entry is a brief discussion of the topic, directly below each heading. I have carefully selected the order in hopes of bringing closure and completeness to this journey. If, for any reason, you feel like jumping around and seeing what lies ahead, please feel free to do so. The order and progression are more of recommendations and with all the information at your fingertips, God is more than able to reach you in any order of this book! 

You'll find a song at the end of each day which I suggest as a tool and starting point for worship and reflection. I enjoy including music in my private time with the Lord, for the most part, and these songs relate in content to the day they are attached to. Again, feel free to make a whole play list with the songs you'll find here and run through it every day you worship. It really doesn't matter, but the tools are here to help you and give you a diving off point.

I leave space at the bottom of each page for you to jot down any notes, if you so desire. At the end of each week is also a section for you to reflect on your journey so far and note any changes you see you've made or any things you might be thankful to God for. I always enjoy journaling while I pray, but then again, I'm a writer. Some people are not so much and that's fine!

The last, and most important, item in the daily devotional is a specific verse or two you can turn to and really let it sink in. I wrote the whole verse out for you because it's good just to see the letters on the page. However, if you have the time and have your Bible handy, please turn to the verse and search the scriptures for more, and more in depth, passages. God is speaking to us constantly and loves revealing His nature through His Word.

May you find what you are looking for and be ever set free in the loving grace of God Almighty. Thank you for taking this journey with me, each step forward is a brave step towards a new beginning. We are never too far gone to be reached and never too clean to not need to be refreshed. 

Day One:

Devotion.

You've obviously picked up this devotional with the intent of drawing closer to God. He asks us to seek Him and to seek Him with all of our hearts. Not half of our hearts, not a quarter portion that we reserve for Wednesday and Sunday church services, but a full-hearted, eager devotion to the Lord. God wants us to pursue Him whole-heartedly, in all avenues of our lives.  

Give up whatever it is that is drawing you away from the throne room of Christ. Let go of whatever is holding you back from getting even closer with God. Maybe you feel exhausted and drained from a busy schedule, and have no idea where to find the time for devotion. Make it. Even five minutes. Trust me, whatever time you give up to meet with God, you'll be rejuvenated and restored to approach the rest of your tasks. It isn't that He wants us isolated and alone, but that He wants to protect our hearts from the things of this world that aim to hurt us. There are so many distractions that, at first, quiet time might feel odd, but eventually it will be helpful in clearing your mind and allowing God to speak to you.

What is holding you back? Is it alcohol? Is it anorexia? Is it pain or depression or are you angry with God? Are you longing to make those feelings go away and start new, start fresh? Seek God and seek God with all of your heart and watch as the hold on your heart is dropped. Enter into His courts with thanksgiving and be amazed by all He has in store for you.

Prayer:

Dear God,

Please help me truly look into myself during these next twenty days. I want to be able to admit where I am falling short and even where I have been hurt, so that you can heal me and make me bolder, stronger than before. I know you want a people who are 

proud of what Jesus Christ has done for us, so that we may show that joy and love to the people of the world who are still enslaved, afraid, and hurting. Please help me find whatever is in me or attacking me (sin, shame, ignorance, etc.) and get rid of it once and for all! I want to be a free individual who can clap and dance and be merry for the light you have placed in my soul. Amen.

Jeremiah 29:13

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Song: Pursuit by Jesus Culture

Your Thoughts, Your Changes, Your Progress. (Space for your quiet time with God).