Looking for That.

Confidence by Joyce Meyer.
Book of the week. One of them. I'm also reading Shakespeare by Bill Bryson and have only a chapter to go in James Dobson's Bringing Up Boys.
I love reading. I love filling myself up with knowledge. I thought about the oddity of that today as I read Shakespeare. I was going to spend a moment thinking about something I read, but instead I wanted to race on to the next word, the next thought, a new page. Why is that, I wondered? I reasoned that it was because books are made to "get through." I need to finish the novel in order to get the full picture, and then, upon contemplation, I would figure what it was all about. However, in the process, am I short changing myself by rushing through the process? I have the nagging suspicion I am, so allow me to elaborate here.

The exact fact I wanted to dissect then is actually escaping my mind now. As I recall, the last few pages I read were plagued with interesting information. The fact that theatrical prosperity lasted only as long as Shakespeare's life, if not a little longer is incredible. Talk about being born at the right place, in the right time. Fascinating really that one man would experience such beautiful opportunity for his precise skills and talents. I'd like to tap into that power source, whatever it was at work in him.

What else was there? The hardly new, but noteworthy, idea that all of the plays in London used men to portray the female roles, while other countries, such as Spain, actually used women. Maybe Shakespeare was hoping London would catch up with the times a little bit and include some females in the cast. It sure would have made life a little easier for all the males who were cast in so many roles and different plays within a month and even weeks of each other.

All of that is to say that I find books so intriguing because of all I can learn during the process of reading, as well as, the final product of completing a story, when I can sit back and say, "Ah."
I'm lucky, in a sense, to have so much time right now to read, while I'm at home, resting. This should be good, but I also don't like wasting time. I feel like I should be out, doing. Which is why I'm drawn to the other book, Confidence. I just read this, "A confident person feels safe. She believes she is loved, valuable, cared for and safe in God's will for her. When we feel safe and secure, it's easy to step out and try new things" (11).
Maybe this is obvious, but maybe it is helpful. I think somewhere along the way between getting married and reconsidering some of the notions I developed during college, my confidence was shaken. I didn't feel proud of who I was, nor did I feel confident in who I had been during those years. So, I was in limbo. Feeling pulled this way and that, ashamed of this, angry about that. I believe God is leading me towards a place of serenity with who I am now, in His will and His plan. No longer to be shifted around in the wind, but solid with a foundation built on rock. I look forward to that transformation, to that change, towards that confidence, towards that reinvention of me, myself and I. I like who I am, I just want to be the way outwardly, like I feel I am on the inside. Amen. and Good night everybody. I hope you all find what you're looking for and that life holds for you the fulfillment of all of God's promises.
~Jenn

Overwhelming Gratefulness

Is that an oxymoron? It seems like it would be. No one can explain why "jumbo shrimp" is aa oxymoron, it just is. Well, perhaps you would explain, "A jumbo shrimp is an oxymoron because 'shrimp' is another way of saying small and jumbo, as you very well know, means large." The irony! It is, however, also an accurate description of a shrimp of unusual size in comparison to the smaller members of it's species.

Back to overwhelming gratefulness. I am referring more to the feeling being contradictory than the phrase itself. When I feel such feelings of thankfulness, I almost become lethargic, depressed, unworthy and so, what do I do when I feel an overwhelming thankfulness? Even though there is this innate desire to step down from what I'm doing, I can't. I can't give up on my duties because I am not dute of the joy that comes with accomplishing a task or receiving so much grace and blessing simply by living your life. That is the life of a Christian, after all. I am beginning to understand that my expression of praise and appreciation must never cease, especially in those moments.

For some reason or another, it can be easy to forget how happy and blessed I might have felt only moments, but maybe days, earlier. Unfortunately, I know this exchange quite well. I am determined to change that though. The Bible tells us that we can have, "A pure heart and a sound mind" and I believe it. I am tired of the back and forth, quite honestly. I read about Nehemiah today whose goal it was to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, and so he did. This was a task filled with monotony, and practical insanity because during the rebuilding his people were under constant scrutiny and attack by invaders. He had to press in daily to the promise he heard from God and keep that mission strong. He had to inspire those he was with and pray alongside them for peace and power and perseverance. He also had to bowl the trumpet to sound alarm, keeping guard throughout the night and then work, hard labor, at rebuilding a wall during the sweltering hours of the day. Could you imagine if one day he just didn't want to get out there and do his job? If he just wanted to give up because, alas, he was never really qualified to begin with? No! He's a man to look up to and be inspired by.

God is good and faithful and will stay with us throughout a task as long as we can keep our eyes and our focus on Him. I've noticed that when I struggle the most, I have most likely lost sight of God or have stopped listening to those little nudges in my spirit telling me to turn this way or that. Those moments are important, not because God wants me to do as He says, but because He has the best interest for me. I see that by living it out. By feeling the joy that comes when I live according to His plan.

I mess it up plenty of times. Sometimes, I can feel myself plain not listening.
"Nope, I don't want to hear the correction," I think. "I know what you're going to tell me and I don't want to right now."

Apologize.

I'll hear it if I'm open to it, but sometimes, I'm not. And when I am, when I finally do what I knew to do in the first place, there's peace and less pressure. I can't explain it better than that. Maybe it isn't apologize for you, maybe it is
Speak Up
Quiet Down
Have Peace
Rest
Listen
Approach Me
Ask Questions
Whisper
Love
Whatever it is, when you follow God's voice, everything turns out well. It takes patience. It takes courageousness. Its worth it! Absolutely. I hope you'll give it a try and realize you aren't as far away as you might feel and that everything is going to work out alright!

Jenn.

Prayer Journal

I was finally able to talk to a friend tonight who I haven't spoken to in so long! It felt so great! How can I explain why? I guess because she has been there with me through everything in my adult life. In the last seven years I've known this girl through college, through that time of awkward transition of high school senior to college freshman. Our friendship has survived trials, bouts of terrible character (on my part!) and just the waves that distance creates. She has gone on to accomplish our dream, going on to complete her credential and she is now going on her third year of teaching! I am so proud of her. She is such an amazing, strong woman. It's amazing that I get to know her and that she has stuck by me through all these years, especially since she isn't even part of my immediate family! I'm thankful that my relationship with God has reminded me how important it is to keep those you love in your life and in your prayers.

One of the most awesome things about being friends with people for so long is that they see all of the changes within us. They are able to look past whatever gunk is in that moment and see who we really are. Good friends will do that for us. They will allow us to see ourselves as they see us and so that we can make the decision to keep pressing on because, well, what other option do we have? Especially when you have seen trials with that person before, then you are able to see whatever you are going through for just what it is. Another trial, another mountain that IS going to get out of your way!

I'm so grateful for that girl and for all of the moments in my life that I will be able to overcome simply because of her presence in my life. She was a great influence when I met her all those years ago and a great one still. I'm so proud of you and know God has great things in store for you! Keep holding on...if you ever read these things, you know who you are!

I hope everyone else is having a great night and that a friend, a family member, a pet, or whoever can be that person for you. They are like a shined up reflection of ourselves after all. Choose wisely who you allow to hold that reflection for all those years and make decisions you can be proud to share with that one person (maybe two or three, if you're (really) lucky)!

Love,
Jenn

Abortion

Please read the following article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/14/us/kermit-gosnell-abortion-doctor-found-guilty-of-murder.html?hp&_r=0

An article on Philadelphia's twisted case of late-term abortions and one patient's accidental overdose.
It's heart-wrenching for me. Was it for you? Were you able to read through the entire article without flinching, without looking away?

I was walking on the treadmill while reading the New York Times. The headline comes up on a nifty News&Weather App I have on one of the home pages I have on my phone. "Abortion" was all I needed to see to know there had been an update on the case that began circulating, at least in my circle, only weeks before.

I attend a small church in Beaumont, CA. I say small only because it feels that way. The number of the congregation is bigger than any other community I've ever been involved in besides my huge, immediate and non-immediate family. But, for a non-religious audience or for anyone unfamiliar with a church, if you came to mine you might be under the impression that this is an extremely small town and be confused for a moment with the hard-pressing reality that churches like this do in fact still exist. My Pastor calls to families from the pulpit, he recognizes us by face and knows the members of our family that only come out every once and awhile. He is concerned for the baby in my womb and the ones that will be there in the future. He prays for all of that and he is only one of the people who feels so connected with all of us who attend that church.

He is the one who first brought the story to my attention. I believe it was a Sunday morning, although it could have been Wednesday night, when he mentioned the recent revelation of an abortionist in Philadelphia found to have murdered babies when the attempt at late-term abortion failed. It was disgusting to me then, and even more so now. My heart is literally ripping apart inside of me; not because I wish to judge anyone who has experienced the exact situation or those who deal with their own consciences in that decision. But because as I was there on the treadmill, I felt my own 24 week old baby inside of me and instantly recalled the moments in this week alone when I have sat and felt him kick and prayed to God for his inevitable health and safe delivery.

I'm not perfect. I didn't always feel so strongly or sweetly about the preservation of infant life. However, having a child inside of me makes me want to rescue every puppy I see, not to mention the unborn children of my friend who might, some day, make the decision to abort in light of her circumstance. I'm so overwhelmed by the feeling of attachment to my baby, all I can be is grateful for his life and for the fact that I am now at a place in my life when I would be MOST comfortable raising him. I'm not back in my college days facing an unexpected predicament. I'm not in the arms of someone who is only pretending to love me. My husband lays with me and feels the baby kick and laughs when he sees my enjoyment at talking to our son and playing with him already. I'm grateful and now I understand why other mothers love their children so much. I wouldn't wish a different predicament on anyone else.

All of this is to say, we need to do something to stop what happened in Philadelphia. There will be those who want to use fear to protest abortion saying, "If we completely ban late-term facilities than even more women will turn to quack doctors" but I'm pleading, let's not settle! The idea is to stop abortions past 20 weeks because it has been discovered that those age infants have pain sensors and as one person asked, "Why is it murder once the baby is out of the womb, but not while he or she is inside at the exact same age?" The answer is, there is no logical or fair explanation except platitude. We cannot control society, or so it is said, so we make exceptions, we make laws to include the degenerates so we don't feel as badly about the high number of people who are breaking the law.

I can't help thinking that even this wouldn't work, even though many states already make 20 weeks the legal limit for abortion. My personal agenda is an end to all abortions, but how can that be? We can't tell people, "No." They hate that. They feel trapped, criticized and want to do what they want to do. I've been there. So what do we do? We shed light. We ask for a new reason to have children. Not to procreate the intelligent, elitist race. That would eliminate the abortions from parents who are just not ready, financially. I'll tell you right now, my husband and I have no idea how we are going to set aside that fifty dollars a month we dream about for our son's college fund, but I know for sure he will never be a drain on society. I will love him and take care of him enough to ensure that either he gets a job and makes a living or works hard enough to put himself through college like I had to do. With a father and mother's influence, a kid is less likely to end up in prison. Don't believe me, check the histories of most inmates. Does the record claim, "Child of loving parents?" No. More like, the reason that most serial killers are so outrageously surprising is because they come from "normal" households. Probably not Christian, but two-parent nonetheless. It is an anomaly for a convict to come from a fulfilling household. So, please let's start teaching the truth in schools again. Sex, most often, leads to children. If you want to have a successful family, wait to have sex. A successful family usually results from two committed people making the ultimate sacrifice of getting married. Therefore, wait until you are ready to get married to have sex and then you will be ready to have a child.

I know this doesn't answer every question or present every possible solution, but God is good and He is working it all out. Amen to that. (Amen means "So be it"). Also, any reference to a quote is made directly from the article posted at the top.

~Jenn

A Few Things About Being a Mom

(This is me at twenty weeks with little Hezekiah snugged tightly)

I've never been more thankful for decaf coffee than I am tonight! When all things seems crazy and I can't figure out where my brain is or when I'll get my old self back, I sure am glad I can pretend to have it all together and sit back, and sip, sip, sip on a cup of coffee made just right. :)

After looking at pictures of myself, which I've been taking since about ten weeks into the pregnancy, I can finally understand what moms mean when they say, "I wish I could get my body back!" I actually thought that tonight! I was looking at a picture from 12 weeks or even fourteen weeks and then one from tonight--22 weeks. It makes no sense. I know I'm pregnant. I know it will not stay the same, but my mind is coming from a whole new perspective. The sound track sounds something like this.

Oh, you're body will never be your own.

And your son is not even yet full grown.

Yet you sit and wonder why you are unhappy.

It's probably because you're feeling flabby.

Well, that is not important when you're growing something in your bellyyyy.

Got to let it go and 

be happy!

Happy he's a boy and happy your alive.

Keep believing it will change and that you will be alright!

Oh yeah, I've got mad skill. Good night everybody. I just wanted to try my first blog with adding a picture. I'm liking it <3 

love, jenn

It's been a long day!

No other words to describe it, but of course there are or else this blog would be extremely short and somewhat unnecessary. It will probably be neither of those things.

I've been thinking a lot about life and meaning and my purpose and all of that and I've come to the conclusion that I have no answer for any of those and I really need to stop thinking about them except for the fact that I really don't want to and I find the answers of the utmost importance. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is!?

No, actually, today was a great day. I walked to the park, even though my breathing is getting more difficult. I couldn't believe how hard it is just walking! I sincerely hope that being pregnant is not synonymous with being out of shape! Anyhow, I went for a walk, I made dinner, I cleaned up after dinner, I finished reading a chapter and I began a new chapter in my own book. The new chapter is on eating disorders so the topic is heavy, but I'm so passionate about the topic (apparently) that the words flew out of me. I'm struggling writing this book in that it is taking me so long, but not in the sense that I continue to feel strongly about the cause for it. I suppose I feel purposeful and useful when I write on this stuff. It makes me feel hopeful and helpful when I begin writing. I really can't wait to be finished!

The book I'm reading is by a woman named Marilynne Robinson called, When I Was a Child I Read Books. When I read the title at the library I had to auto-correct my pronunciation of read (present verb) to read (past). It made much more sense that way! It is a combination of many essays. In the beginning, I was smitten with the essays. "Freedom of Thought" for starters was invigorating for my mind to play around with. The author had new ideas, for me at least, on the conversation between Christianity and Science and to my great surprise Marilynne is a Christian! I had no idea she would be when I picked the book up at the library, but it was a pleasant surprise. The next essay was "Imagination and Community." Another great one on the effects of denying religion on our overall sense of imagination and how that effects us as a community. That is really too brief to do justice to all of her ideas, but suffice to say I was interested and enabled to ponder. Great qualities. However, as I carried on, I got to an essay or so I felt like skimming and then I decided to skip around a bit, to find a title I felt drawn to. This might not all be the author's fault, I will say. I have a thing about jumping from one place to another.

Eventually though I made it to the final essay, of my night, "Wonderous Love." Catchy title, isn't it? But this time I was engaged in a much different way. My opinion differed. I wanted to debate with someone. I wanted to see how far off my disagreement would be with another who read this same essay. See, she was arguing that Christians now push their religion on America out of fear of secularism. That we who might push our beliefs on others are being nationalistic and are in insubordination of what our Founder Fathers wanted. I don't agree. Or perhaps, I want to know who she is talking about. At the very least her encounter with those pushing American ideals, who also see America as wrong, is closed minded. The patriotic Christians I know love America, in it's ideals, but we are no longer a country who lives for our ideals. We do not stand behind our troops and rejoice when they come home or support the cause while they're abroad. We definitely don't support family or reject those who flaunt their adultery as prized behavior. Not that we are judges or even God, but I dispute that we "push" religion with the fact that we are called to keep people on the right track. To remind those around us that God loves us and that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. We are called to tell women to raise their standards of treatment. That to be called a sex symbol is not a compliment, it means that young men will never be able to fully love their imperfect, yet beautiful wives because those men have an unreal and overly available image of your naked body in their minds. There are things that the patriotic Christians I know don't want to stand for, but it isn't out of fear of secularism, it is out of loyalty and belief in the way God has called us to live. To set examples of light for others to see and to be drawn to. I'd also like to make a distinction between secularism and Globalization. It seems that Marilynne's set group of Christians were against spreading into other cultures or allowing the mixture. I don't doubt the existence of such people, but I would differentiate between not wanting to mix cultures and lowering our standards of appropriate behavior. Or better said would be globalization is the aiding and aid of other countries, the appropriation of useful technologies, etc. To me, secularism means pop-culture, it means following trends. If we know that history repeats itself and that problems recorded in the Old Testament are still issues people struggle with today, why on Earth would anyone be okay with secularism? Maybe I'm being closed minded now and even just cutting it short, but it seems to me that we are called to be the salt of the land as well as the image of love to our neighbors. Maybe we aren't perfect, but taking a stand is not a hate crime. It simply says, "I draw the line here. I'm getting too far away from where God has called me to be." That's reasonable and it isn't fear, it's wisdom.

Good night everybody. Comment on this if you've read her stuff! I need to join a book club...
~Jenn

Pictures

God is so good.
I've been looking at pictures tonight and I'm reminded of two things.
One: Not much has changed over time although in my mind drastic, monumental events have taken place.
Two: Not sure this is a good thing, but "I might not be as good as I once was, but I'm as good once, as I'll ever be."
Very reassuring, I'm sure :)