So handsome, yet humble
honest and true.
I thank God that I met
someone as tender as you,
to speak into my heart and
to make me feel bold-
a love no longer lost
nor a story untold.
With you by my side,
I want to be brave,
to tell the world about Jesus-
how he rose from the grave
and how he took someone like me
and gave them to you.
The odds weren't in our favor,
but somehow we knew.
God doesn't give
what we are unable to handle.
He doesn't speak into our lives
or our hearts just to gamble
He told you you could trust me
and He helped me see your strength.
So I thank God every day
for the beauty He makes.new blog!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Re-focusing!
This is a post I've been thinking about all day...
Why is it that education has shifted so much in the last few decades? Why is it that our advice to the younger generations is generally more negative than it ever has been in the past, yet we cover that up by calling it realistic? I've known what it means to seek knowledge, the "truth" as the world puts it, and I've come to the conclusion that we are getting ourselves into a heap of trouble although we think that we are doing ourselves a favor.
Let me rewind. I sat and watched yet another version of the Snow White story today after sharing breakfast and coffee with two generations of wise women in my family (altogether making us three generations strong!). Back to the film: this time it was "The Huntsmen." I loved it. It was incredible. Not only did I feel like a five year old again, sitting on the edge of my seat, thoroughly entranced by the effects, the plot-line, the characters, but I was moved by the personal connection I made with the added fierceness that had been infused into the purity of Snow White's character. In this movie, her purity and connection to the light is profound and it makes all the difference in defeating the Queen (ie Wicked Step-Mom).
As a side-story, I was encouraged to be strong, to have people see the inner-beauty that God has placed inside of each one of us, but I was also thinking. Which is always a welcome bonus to anything that I see in the theater. I caught myself being delighted by the train of thought, too!
So, let's see if I can get onto paper what it is that rattled my brain and caused me to go, "A-ha!"
I'll use sex-ed as my first example.
We tell kids nowadays to use protection, so they will not contract HIV or any number of sexually transmitted diseases. We tell them that children are a by-product of unprotected sex, so they won't be able to fulfill their own personal goals if they get pregnant before they are "ready." Finally, we tell students that if they do not wait until marriage to have sex with their partner, they will never know how compatible the two are before being tied together for life and, especially, that testing the waters will ensure the bond the two have upon going into eternal matrimony. The only problem with these "facts" is that they are fundamentally wrong. Not to say they could be disproved. I am arguing that we are approaching "problems" in our society in an ENTIRELY irrelevant manner.
When I was learning about sex, I didn't stop to consider who I might be hurting along the way or what I was giving up. The way it was explained to me was all about the risks I might go through and I think this happened because our society has become so inherently selfish. That wasn't going to reach me though. If you were a kid like me who so completely felt that no one cared one-hundred percent about your well-being, then you too probably thought more about the well-being of others, over that of yourself.
This is what I'm suggesting would work better. Let me know if you agree or disagree!
Re-focus on the positives: If you wait until you are married to have sex, you will NEVER have to spend a sleepless night wondering if you are pregnant. Does that not seem simple?
How about, if you wait until you are married to have sex, you will know without a doubt that the person you are with loves you more than anything else in the world. Not because of the action, but because he or she has already made the commitment at the alter, in front of your family and friends, and they have undoubtedly taken at least a few months proving it to you through dating in a pre-marital relationship.
Not to mention, abstinence before marriage would severely limit the amount of STD's that get passed around unknowingly or otherwise. If you are only sleeping with your spouse, you two either know of any pre-existing conditions or you never have to worry about it.
Let's take sex off the throne it has been elevated to. Honestly, we could probably go on for thirty minutes about all the discomforts that go along with the event, the preparation, the irrational decisions, the unfortunate choices in partners, etc. All we can ever really say to Sex's credit is that it is "Good." Really, people? Can't we hold out for great!?!
I know we all make decisions and they aren't always one's we are proud of, but I also saw hope today and was encouraged. Changes can occur and righting-wrongs is my job as long as I'm on this Earth. So, if you, like me, see an area in your world you want changed, let's seek the solutions together. Let's spread the good news like a fire that they can't get rid of, a light that won't be extinguished, a simplicity that cannot be denied.
This is completely from a position that God's grace is sufficient and His love is more than enough.
Good luck everybody with whatever it is that you are struggling to overcome and accomplish!
love, Jenn :)
Why is it that education has shifted so much in the last few decades? Why is it that our advice to the younger generations is generally more negative than it ever has been in the past, yet we cover that up by calling it realistic? I've known what it means to seek knowledge, the "truth" as the world puts it, and I've come to the conclusion that we are getting ourselves into a heap of trouble although we think that we are doing ourselves a favor.
Let me rewind. I sat and watched yet another version of the Snow White story today after sharing breakfast and coffee with two generations of wise women in my family (altogether making us three generations strong!). Back to the film: this time it was "The Huntsmen." I loved it. It was incredible. Not only did I feel like a five year old again, sitting on the edge of my seat, thoroughly entranced by the effects, the plot-line, the characters, but I was moved by the personal connection I made with the added fierceness that had been infused into the purity of Snow White's character. In this movie, her purity and connection to the light is profound and it makes all the difference in defeating the Queen (ie Wicked Step-Mom).
As a side-story, I was encouraged to be strong, to have people see the inner-beauty that God has placed inside of each one of us, but I was also thinking. Which is always a welcome bonus to anything that I see in the theater. I caught myself being delighted by the train of thought, too!
So, let's see if I can get onto paper what it is that rattled my brain and caused me to go, "A-ha!"
I'll use sex-ed as my first example.
We tell kids nowadays to use protection, so they will not contract HIV or any number of sexually transmitted diseases. We tell them that children are a by-product of unprotected sex, so they won't be able to fulfill their own personal goals if they get pregnant before they are "ready." Finally, we tell students that if they do not wait until marriage to have sex with their partner, they will never know how compatible the two are before being tied together for life and, especially, that testing the waters will ensure the bond the two have upon going into eternal matrimony. The only problem with these "facts" is that they are fundamentally wrong. Not to say they could be disproved. I am arguing that we are approaching "problems" in our society in an ENTIRELY irrelevant manner.
When I was learning about sex, I didn't stop to consider who I might be hurting along the way or what I was giving up. The way it was explained to me was all about the risks I might go through and I think this happened because our society has become so inherently selfish. That wasn't going to reach me though. If you were a kid like me who so completely felt that no one cared one-hundred percent about your well-being, then you too probably thought more about the well-being of others, over that of yourself.
This is what I'm suggesting would work better. Let me know if you agree or disagree!
Re-focus on the positives: If you wait until you are married to have sex, you will NEVER have to spend a sleepless night wondering if you are pregnant. Does that not seem simple?
How about, if you wait until you are married to have sex, you will know without a doubt that the person you are with loves you more than anything else in the world. Not because of the action, but because he or she has already made the commitment at the alter, in front of your family and friends, and they have undoubtedly taken at least a few months proving it to you through dating in a pre-marital relationship.
Not to mention, abstinence before marriage would severely limit the amount of STD's that get passed around unknowingly or otherwise. If you are only sleeping with your spouse, you two either know of any pre-existing conditions or you never have to worry about it.
Let's take sex off the throne it has been elevated to. Honestly, we could probably go on for thirty minutes about all the discomforts that go along with the event, the preparation, the irrational decisions, the unfortunate choices in partners, etc. All we can ever really say to Sex's credit is that it is "Good." Really, people? Can't we hold out for great!?!
I know we all make decisions and they aren't always one's we are proud of, but I also saw hope today and was encouraged. Changes can occur and righting-wrongs is my job as long as I'm on this Earth. So, if you, like me, see an area in your world you want changed, let's seek the solutions together. Let's spread the good news like a fire that they can't get rid of, a light that won't be extinguished, a simplicity that cannot be denied.
This is completely from a position that God's grace is sufficient and His love is more than enough.
Good luck everybody with whatever it is that you are struggling to overcome and accomplish!
love, Jenn :)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Muscular Legs and Tree Trunks.
There's something about her that isn't the usual. That means she is rather unusual. To her this is the upmost of compliments. She sees herself as no one else does and yet she feels their glances all too well. Her normal behavior is out of the ordinary, but to her she is nothing extraordinary. Doesn't everyone need their quiet time, to sit back and unwind? Isn't anyone else their best self in front of everyone else, but dwelling in their own mind they are the creature from the Dark Lagoon? Not that she knew what that creature even was, but it sounded foreboding, it sounded almost as awful as she convinced herself that she shouldn't be feeling.
To tell you the truth, she was okay with being different because to her, everyone was. Not everyone was the typical beauty and thank God for that. Some were shorter or rounder or balder or louder. Some were stout while others were thin while others still seemed to be all twisted about. Their insides were out and their frowns looked like smiles. She often wondered why people like that didn't disturb her, in fact, they intrigued her.
She was in love now, so of course this made her dwell on who she really was. Was she pretty or thin, was she ugly but nice, was she truly good enough for anyone or would she be better off trying to get everything right? She hated not being perfect. Yet every time she worked at it, it surely wasn't worth the effort. She inevitably failed, spent time wallowing in self-hate with a mixture of pity and all the while knowing it was wrong for her to be doing anything except for simply living. Which she wanted to do, of course, if only she could figure this one little detail out. What do you do with the pieces of you that don't fit the puzzle your whole life seems to say you are making? There's a bit that doesn't go here, yet you are quite sure it belongs to whatever it is that you are doing. Instead of throwing it out, since that is rather improbable, you must make do, even setting the anomaly aside until the secret comes out from wherever it is that secrets like that do hide.
She was proud of herself for not giving up, for believing that there was a solution even when she was stuck. What she couldn't make sense of was that it would all be alright, that somehow her distractions would have happy conclusions and the picture would ultimately be completed. But, for who? For who did all of that work get done and for whose admiration had her work begun? If He knows the completed project, in fact has drawn up the immaculate design, isn't it her job to not note on the details, but rather enjoy the process and not comment on the length of time?
It felt frustrating. She was frustrated because she wasn't doing yet another thing right. Appreciate God's gift, was what her head kept telling her. He made you, He loves you, He thinks you're beautiful. Well, that's great. But in the mean time I've yelled at my dog, I look ugly in jeans and just yesterday I told a prideful lie. I feel sick to my stomach to think that who I am is, plainly and simply, me. Yet, I remember that God is full of grace. My mistakes are colorful designs on His beautiful page. I am nothing more than human. I am one beautiful mistake and He has indeed created me this way.http://www.facebook.com/lookup4change
To tell you the truth, she was okay with being different because to her, everyone was. Not everyone was the typical beauty and thank God for that. Some were shorter or rounder or balder or louder. Some were stout while others were thin while others still seemed to be all twisted about. Their insides were out and their frowns looked like smiles. She often wondered why people like that didn't disturb her, in fact, they intrigued her.
She was in love now, so of course this made her dwell on who she really was. Was she pretty or thin, was she ugly but nice, was she truly good enough for anyone or would she be better off trying to get everything right? She hated not being perfect. Yet every time she worked at it, it surely wasn't worth the effort. She inevitably failed, spent time wallowing in self-hate with a mixture of pity and all the while knowing it was wrong for her to be doing anything except for simply living. Which she wanted to do, of course, if only she could figure this one little detail out. What do you do with the pieces of you that don't fit the puzzle your whole life seems to say you are making? There's a bit that doesn't go here, yet you are quite sure it belongs to whatever it is that you are doing. Instead of throwing it out, since that is rather improbable, you must make do, even setting the anomaly aside until the secret comes out from wherever it is that secrets like that do hide.
She was proud of herself for not giving up, for believing that there was a solution even when she was stuck. What she couldn't make sense of was that it would all be alright, that somehow her distractions would have happy conclusions and the picture would ultimately be completed. But, for who? For who did all of that work get done and for whose admiration had her work begun? If He knows the completed project, in fact has drawn up the immaculate design, isn't it her job to not note on the details, but rather enjoy the process and not comment on the length of time?
It felt frustrating. She was frustrated because she wasn't doing yet another thing right. Appreciate God's gift, was what her head kept telling her. He made you, He loves you, He thinks you're beautiful. Well, that's great. But in the mean time I've yelled at my dog, I look ugly in jeans and just yesterday I told a prideful lie. I feel sick to my stomach to think that who I am is, plainly and simply, me. Yet, I remember that God is full of grace. My mistakes are colorful designs on His beautiful page. I am nothing more than human. I am one beautiful mistake and He has indeed created me this way.http://www.facebook.com/lookup4change
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
More on Women!
So, is there anyone out there who hasn't struggled with their identity in Christ? I'd be interested to know, but not anxious to meet you. I wouldn't be able to live up to your self-confidence and despite my best intentions, I get competitive in that arena of my life.
I asked because I'm trying to find my own identity... At first, I thought this would mean being able to succinctly list my interests, my passions, my hobbies, my likes and dislikes. That was a mistake! I asked God who I'm supposed to be, it turns out, He wants me to be myself. That didn't clear up any questions, although it is relieving! I turned to the Word and found that who I am is not easily defined, but I can go broader in order to gain some insight. For example, I'm a woman. To be honest, I once resented the representation that I perceived was a Christian interpretation of women. I think now that my negative vibe was wrapped up in my own negative impression of the Christian faith, thus I pinpointed my dissension on the only tangible argument I had. I could see a life I wanted to live, a carefree existence without condemnation and that only came when I was living in "the World." Meaning, when I was away from home, my mom, and was doing as I pleased. If I wasn't happy when I was out partying and riding in cars with boys* then it wasn't a personal flaw, it meant it was time to get a new group of friends. It didn't matter if so and so and I didn't hit it off because they weren't around long enough to get to know the real me and those who had made it past my barricade of defenses were enough. That is, until they weren't, and until even those few people I had dwindled to practically none. I was very isolated and as you know, your defenses are always weakened when you fight alone. Even David had an army behind him, willing to take up the fight against Goliath if he failed. I had no one, it seemed, and I had dropped into that hole not only by myself, but willingly! I excluded my family from my life because I couldn't stand their stories of a life I never thought I would have, let alone want ever again, and I knew they wouldn't respond approvingly to the stories I had to share. Very few people would probably!
When I first went back to church in May or so of last year, I was running from something. The details of my life then scared the Hell out of me, if I can be so literal. I walked (literally) to the nearest church and God's mercy caught my attention. I was far from perfect and still wanted to live life, I didn't understand how religion could fill me with joy, in replacement of the evil things I was doing. I say evil not to come off too strongly, but because in order to filter something out of my life, it needs to be harsh. And clear. Think of it this way, you aren't going to stop eating Frito Lay's Chips if you don't believe that hydrogenated fats are clogging your arteries and leading you to death five years prematurely. When you put it that way, it makes it easier to reach for the carrot sticks and pass up on the heart killers. It is the same way with sin. I never knew that what I was doing was severing my relationship with God. I thought I was loved, that the love I received, although it was distant, was good enough. Then, little by little, I began to give up on these sins. I'd spend as long as I could without doing x, y, and/or z and draw nearer to God. I obviously slipped up because I was trying to do this all on my own. I didn't mean to, but I wasn't all that comfortable asking God for things so I just saw a result and tried my hardest to make my way there. It worked for awhile, until I slipped up. Then, after all that process which could have been months or weeks or days, the guilt of messing up, sliding back into old habits, would eat me up and I would literally open my mouth in frustration and tell God, "Fine, you do it!" I couldn't. No joke, once I confessed that I was unable to stop the sin and ask for His help, He would take away the urge. The difference between when He did it and I did is that it was not even a thought in my mind anymore. I wouldn't long after that old sin because the new feeling of it being absent, was SO MUCH better :) Truthfully! That builds trust, too.
I said this blog was going to be about women though. I get side-tracked! There are so many good things that God does.
This topic though is crazy. My mind has done a complete 180, almost. See, it has been almost three and a half years since I began my search of how women are written about in the Bible. I stopped looking back then when I came to a story in the Old Testament where a man literally offers his daughters up to be raped in order to save the men in the town. I was disgusted. Given my interpretation, I'm sure others would be disgusted too! Well, God revealed something to me. A revelation, if you will. I was reading the story all wrong. The man offered his daughters, but God saved them! The men doing the pillaging didn't even want the girls, they declined this extraordinary offer. Wow! That caught my attention. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know where else I had misinterpreted. I wanted to know how many times God used women to make a point, to make a difference. I wanted to know all the places where God exhibited His love for women. I'm human though. I haven't found them all! I get caught up on sections, I delight in passages for awhile (like Songs of Solomon), and I still get tricked up on some pages. Recently, the distraction came in 1 Timothy 2:9. Check this out:
"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes."
Wow, what Lord? Conduct on how I must dress, let alone be perceived among men? No way! Shut the Bible, move on... Except I can't do that now. I'm in too deep with God to leave it alone. I know He loves me, so He wouldn't command something I am not able to comply with. Truthfully though, when I read this, I started looking up translations in Hebrew and Greek thinking the translators must have gotten it wrong. Nope. That only made it worse. In one translation, "decency" was replaced with "shamefacedness." Seriously, I didn't think I could handle that. But, "God, what would you have me to learn from this?" Now, I'm thinking this: God knows all. Simply put. I might not stop wearing gold or pearls and, in fact, my hair is in a braid right now (it was when I started my reading, I'm not flourishing in rebellion)! However, in the next verse:
10 "but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God."
Yeah. Who am I trying to please? See, God clearly lays out what he views as beautiful. The truth is, if you are anything like me, we are going to look to some source in order to measure our beauty, aren't we? Whether it is by comparing yourself to other women or reading the latest beauty magazine ('Men love rosy lips!'). I'm sick of the 'unequal weights and measures.' I want to look for beauty on the inner being of any women, person, that I meet. I want to see their beauty as God does and I want to see my beauty and measure it on His infallible scale. There is such freedom in that, from a world that can be relentlessly cruel and particular. I'm still working on my soul and my heart and I'm still learning, but I think God is doing wonders in me. I'm so thankful for these times of being able to search His word.
I hope anyone reading can find the answers that you seek. Knowing that God does reveal himself to those who seek and can acknowledge that His way of handling this life is irrefutable and unchanging.
love,
Jenn
I asked because I'm trying to find my own identity... At first, I thought this would mean being able to succinctly list my interests, my passions, my hobbies, my likes and dislikes. That was a mistake! I asked God who I'm supposed to be, it turns out, He wants me to be myself. That didn't clear up any questions, although it is relieving! I turned to the Word and found that who I am is not easily defined, but I can go broader in order to gain some insight. For example, I'm a woman. To be honest, I once resented the representation that I perceived was a Christian interpretation of women. I think now that my negative vibe was wrapped up in my own negative impression of the Christian faith, thus I pinpointed my dissension on the only tangible argument I had. I could see a life I wanted to live, a carefree existence without condemnation and that only came when I was living in "the World." Meaning, when I was away from home, my mom, and was doing as I pleased. If I wasn't happy when I was out partying and riding in cars with boys* then it wasn't a personal flaw, it meant it was time to get a new group of friends. It didn't matter if so and so and I didn't hit it off because they weren't around long enough to get to know the real me and those who had made it past my barricade of defenses were enough. That is, until they weren't, and until even those few people I had dwindled to practically none. I was very isolated and as you know, your defenses are always weakened when you fight alone. Even David had an army behind him, willing to take up the fight against Goliath if he failed. I had no one, it seemed, and I had dropped into that hole not only by myself, but willingly! I excluded my family from my life because I couldn't stand their stories of a life I never thought I would have, let alone want ever again, and I knew they wouldn't respond approvingly to the stories I had to share. Very few people would probably!
When I first went back to church in May or so of last year, I was running from something. The details of my life then scared the Hell out of me, if I can be so literal. I walked (literally) to the nearest church and God's mercy caught my attention. I was far from perfect and still wanted to live life, I didn't understand how religion could fill me with joy, in replacement of the evil things I was doing. I say evil not to come off too strongly, but because in order to filter something out of my life, it needs to be harsh. And clear. Think of it this way, you aren't going to stop eating Frito Lay's Chips if you don't believe that hydrogenated fats are clogging your arteries and leading you to death five years prematurely. When you put it that way, it makes it easier to reach for the carrot sticks and pass up on the heart killers. It is the same way with sin. I never knew that what I was doing was severing my relationship with God. I thought I was loved, that the love I received, although it was distant, was good enough. Then, little by little, I began to give up on these sins. I'd spend as long as I could without doing x, y, and/or z and draw nearer to God. I obviously slipped up because I was trying to do this all on my own. I didn't mean to, but I wasn't all that comfortable asking God for things so I just saw a result and tried my hardest to make my way there. It worked for awhile, until I slipped up. Then, after all that process which could have been months or weeks or days, the guilt of messing up, sliding back into old habits, would eat me up and I would literally open my mouth in frustration and tell God, "Fine, you do it!" I couldn't. No joke, once I confessed that I was unable to stop the sin and ask for His help, He would take away the urge. The difference between when He did it and I did is that it was not even a thought in my mind anymore. I wouldn't long after that old sin because the new feeling of it being absent, was SO MUCH better :) Truthfully! That builds trust, too.
I said this blog was going to be about women though. I get side-tracked! There are so many good things that God does.
This topic though is crazy. My mind has done a complete 180, almost. See, it has been almost three and a half years since I began my search of how women are written about in the Bible. I stopped looking back then when I came to a story in the Old Testament where a man literally offers his daughters up to be raped in order to save the men in the town. I was disgusted. Given my interpretation, I'm sure others would be disgusted too! Well, God revealed something to me. A revelation, if you will. I was reading the story all wrong. The man offered his daughters, but God saved them! The men doing the pillaging didn't even want the girls, they declined this extraordinary offer. Wow! That caught my attention. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know where else I had misinterpreted. I wanted to know how many times God used women to make a point, to make a difference. I wanted to know all the places where God exhibited His love for women. I'm human though. I haven't found them all! I get caught up on sections, I delight in passages for awhile (like Songs of Solomon), and I still get tricked up on some pages. Recently, the distraction came in 1 Timothy 2:9. Check this out:
"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes."
Wow, what Lord? Conduct on how I must dress, let alone be perceived among men? No way! Shut the Bible, move on... Except I can't do that now. I'm in too deep with God to leave it alone. I know He loves me, so He wouldn't command something I am not able to comply with. Truthfully though, when I read this, I started looking up translations in Hebrew and Greek thinking the translators must have gotten it wrong. Nope. That only made it worse. In one translation, "decency" was replaced with "shamefacedness." Seriously, I didn't think I could handle that. But, "God, what would you have me to learn from this?" Now, I'm thinking this: God knows all. Simply put. I might not stop wearing gold or pearls and, in fact, my hair is in a braid right now (it was when I started my reading, I'm not flourishing in rebellion)! However, in the next verse:
10 "but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God."
Yeah. Who am I trying to please? See, God clearly lays out what he views as beautiful. The truth is, if you are anything like me, we are going to look to some source in order to measure our beauty, aren't we? Whether it is by comparing yourself to other women or reading the latest beauty magazine ('Men love rosy lips!'). I'm sick of the 'unequal weights and measures.' I want to look for beauty on the inner being of any women, person, that I meet. I want to see their beauty as God does and I want to see my beauty and measure it on His infallible scale. There is such freedom in that, from a world that can be relentlessly cruel and particular. I'm still working on my soul and my heart and I'm still learning, but I think God is doing wonders in me. I'm so thankful for these times of being able to search His word.
I hope anyone reading can find the answers that you seek. Knowing that God does reveal himself to those who seek and can acknowledge that His way of handling this life is irrefutable and unchanging.
love,
Jenn
Sunday, May 20, 2012
My thoughts on love...
For what it's worth, I probably know nothing. Yet, this is a topic I could think about for hours. I don't understand it and I know it is different for everyone. I always thought that we loved people according to who they were to us. For example, I loved my pastor like a pastor and my mother like a mother; this set up my mental hierarchy of who received which allocations of my love. Although I probably still feel this way, the way I would describe it has changed. Love is universal. Is this a statement that registers with many people? Is it true? I think it must be. The universality of love is the only explanation for me holding a baby I haven't known for more than thirty minutes and automatically feeling that it is my duty to protect, comfort, and encourage this baby to feel secure. There's absolutely no logical reason for me to interact thus, if you consider; a) this baby has been screaming for the last thirty minutes due to his mother's leaving us alone and b) he is not related to me in any sense and c) no matter how I treat this kid, his care is at my discretion. I realized that while holding him. An adult inherently possesses power over an infant, in every sense of the word. I could've not fed him, I could've spanked him, I could have done a number of good or evil behavior. Instead, I chose to crawl around on the floor, making his dolls sound incredibly silly and rotating between dry food, a bottle and juice. Anything to make him happy again, to forget that his mom had left him. I realized this. The acknowledgment that your actions could either benefit another or inflict pain, even unnoticed damage, so you choose to make the best decision; that's love. Now, others may be better at this than I am, but the above mentioned event reminded me how selfish I am. Yes, love is great, but it cannot overcome our natural tendencies! I loved this kid who was now (thankfully!) fast asleep in my arms. That did not stop me from trying to place him in his crib. I knew, without a doubt, that he would wake up, but I saw my book lying longingly on the table and I knew my arm would eventually go numb, so I tried. As soon as he shook his head and began to wake up, I immediately relented and realized I would be spending the remainder of his nap, with one arm cradling his little body. Even those moments of holding him, staying silent as possible, forgoing the reading since my actions of flipping the pages and holding the book open disturbed him, are so intertwined with selfishness- let's face it, a quiet, sleeping baby is easier to watch than a cranky, screaming kid. However, as I held him, I was so thankful. He snuggled and relaxed and I could tell he was at peace in his nap, that made even this dead arm I have now, worth every minute. I'm so thankful that God works the ways that He does. He's teaching me so much about the ways He loves me, but that is a topic I still know too little about to even feel comfortable beginning!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Good Morning World!
Have you ever done somethinng and automatically realized how much you were missing it, even if you didn't know beforehand. Maybe it is like that with a person, instead. Like you go so long without a friend, or a conversation with a relative, but once it happens, it's like you were given a drink of water. Your head clears up a bit and you see life in a new perspective, even though you thought you were seeing it just fine earlier. Another way to think about it is seeing a Monet and thinking it beautiful from far away, but as you get closer it becomes more chaotic, more smudged. Some act as if they have been fooled. They say, "From where I stood ten yards away that painting was so beautiful, but as I proceeded to draw near, I realized all its faults." Life is like that to me. I see it from far away sometimes, as if I were the abstract. The lines aren't clear and I am wandering around thinking everything is great, but I have an ideal picture in my head, not the reality. So, as the different events in life draw me nearer, I become confused. "Wait a minute," I say, "This is not the way I was viewing my life." The image is distorted, perhaps the clear blue sky is actually being threatened by streaks of gray and the shining stars I saw are flashes of lightening instead. Or, maybe the friends I saw when I was on the outskirts of my own life, placing distance between myself and it, perhaps when I start to embrace that life, that crazy, beautiful creation, and it was created, those friends turn into people I no longer recognize and the girl I imagined myself to be is someone different, entirely. Now, I happen to like Monet. I find the quality of his paintings increases the more intently I dissect them and can stare up close. That was the image he intended. Just as God has called me to view my life where He has placed me. Sometimes, the transition is hard. Sometimes I feel as though I am doing EVERYTHING wrong and, even at other times, other viewers of my very same painting will come along offering their opinions and they completely throw me off. But, should a fan of Thomas Kinkade ever believe they will accurately judge one of God's Monet's? I should hope not! Their styles are different and what they were trying to create was never meant to be compared and contrasted, but to be enjoyed. To be viewed and to be appraised for their respective worths. That's all I'm asking: let what I create have a purpose and let that purpose adhere to the following criteria:
1)Let all things give glory to God and His good works
2)Don't let the negative comments destroy the fulfilling of my purpose
3)Don't let the differences in style threaten my creativity
and
4)Don't let me go astray because I am not living up to some imagined standards; what I create was never mine anyway.
I just don't want to be judged in something I believe has little value anyway. Without God I wouldn't create anything. At the same time, I need to be able to voice my opinions with confidence. For example, if something is not going the right way, or the way I planned it, I need to stop. Give it up, but try again. Oftentimes while talking, I'll have to stop my speech midway and re-evaluate what it is that I am trying to say. Is that the best way of communicating? Probably not, but I do it because I want to be genuine in my talks. I want to be uplifting and glorifying to God. I don't want to be egotistic or naive; I have many constraints and I believe God wants to break those chains. I believe I have been holding in my speech for years because I was afraid I never had the "right" thing to say. And let's look at where I found my reasoning: magazines. "Guys don't want to hear you talk about, a, b, or c." Really? Because a(my friends), b(my job), and c(my family) pretty much make up my life. That clearly left me in a predicament. And what was I suppose to do then? "Listen." "Guys love to talk and it is rare so when they do, let them." Sure, but then I found myself listening to horrendous nonsense all the while wondering when it was my turn to talk and wondering if ever I'd be able to have a nonrestricted conversation with anyone. God says I can and I will. I can talk to Him about anything and I can't tell you how relieving that feels. The other thing is, if you ask for something, you shall receive. I'm asking for a partner who is a wonderful listener and who encourages me to talk. I have a really bad habit of drawing back, of only contributing my thoughts that I know will be appreciated or even reciprocated in a positive manner. I think that has its good points. However, thinking like that also has its drawbacks. Those are; I don't feel comfortable contributing brand new ideas, I don't like giving criticism even if I know it will be edifying- I don't like being the party-pooper and, in my own heart, the most painful reason is that when I deny my speech in the presence of a man, or anyone really, I minimize the importance of my thoughts, of my testimony, of my relationship with God, and lastly, it feels dishonest. I will walk away feeling like I have fooled the person, not intentionally, but out of my insecurities! It is a yucky feeling to have too because then fear sneaks in like this. "What happens when they find out I'm not really happy for them all the time? What if they finally come to the conclusion that I'm not as nice as they always tell me? What happens when they realize that I will stick up for myself as soon as I feel comfortable enough to tell them exactly how I feel?" I fear that I'm not good enough, I fear that I'm too serious, I fear that I'm not always religious enough or happy enough or funny enough or wise enough or organized, etc. What a vicious cycle! God doesn't believe any of that! He loves me just the way I am, but I can really beat myself up for things like that. That is why I know I need Him. I know when I'm praying He takes away the thoughts of self. I know that to Him I am good enough, so good in fact, that His only son would have died upon the cross for me alone, and then I feel so much better. I realize that I am precious and loved and I stop worrying about what the world has made me concerned with because in reality, not one of those insecurities above would matter if I were living my whole life with Christ as my head. Did I write that correctly? Did you read it right? I said, nothing I am worried about matters to Christ? Because I'm worried about the wrong things. I worry about those things, not because of how they reflect the kingdom of heaven, but because of how people will reflect on me! I'm strengthened and made whole in Christ, so as long as I keep walking with Him, people will be drawn to me. They will see the light as He has intended (think Thomas Kinkade now), but they might also have a different perception the longer they get to know me. He has created a being full of perseverance and faith, full of love and laughter, full of mercy and grace, but God knows, my life choices have not made me that way! I am only here because He saved me, I am only whole (or working on it) because He has allowed me this opportunity. My soul purpose is to be the canvas on which His work is reflected and from their the whole purpose of the work He has created is to reflect His infinite love and amazing ability. Sure, I'll be different from the photo on the wall next to me. I will be hanging in a hall full of Picasso's, Monet's, and other well known artists, but that never diminshes the beauty of all the photos that come before me or after me. In fact, one time when I was in England I was able to visit the National Gallery in London. It was huge and beautiful, and that was only the outside! In doors, to where I quickly ran due to the snowstorm we were in, was completely covered with works of art. I was in awe. I love staring at paintings because they make me think, they make me stop and wonder at their stories, all the detail that went into their creation. I see the artist standing over the canvas with painstaking attention to the colors, to the paints, to the creation and I am speechless. Even to the less abstract paintings, like fresh fruit in a bowl, I wondered how long it took to get everything just right and I wondered at the differences in painters. What is it to one who decided to sculpt while another picks up a brush and does a still life and yet to another who draws a picture so bizarre we stop and wonder if this is really art at all? Then I realized, we all do this. We all pick up our mediums and go about our business. We never stop to think if we are doing it right because we wouldn't be doing it at all if we didn't love what we were doing. That doesn't mean I don't dream of painting like Renoir or sculpting a Michelangelo, but that I am so happy when I know I am doing what I am called to do. When I am expressing His love through my gift, when what I'm doing has so little to do with me, but everything to do with what others will see, that's when I think I'm doing what I was called to do. In whatever form that may take throughout my life, through my days and even through the hours.
I'd like to end with the serenity prayer:
1)Let all things give glory to God and His good works
2)Don't let the negative comments destroy the fulfilling of my purpose
3)Don't let the differences in style threaten my creativity
and
4)Don't let me go astray because I am not living up to some imagined standards; what I create was never mine anyway.
I just don't want to be judged in something I believe has little value anyway. Without God I wouldn't create anything. At the same time, I need to be able to voice my opinions with confidence. For example, if something is not going the right way, or the way I planned it, I need to stop. Give it up, but try again. Oftentimes while talking, I'll have to stop my speech midway and re-evaluate what it is that I am trying to say. Is that the best way of communicating? Probably not, but I do it because I want to be genuine in my talks. I want to be uplifting and glorifying to God. I don't want to be egotistic or naive; I have many constraints and I believe God wants to break those chains. I believe I have been holding in my speech for years because I was afraid I never had the "right" thing to say. And let's look at where I found my reasoning: magazines. "Guys don't want to hear you talk about, a, b, or c." Really? Because a(my friends), b(my job), and c(my family) pretty much make up my life. That clearly left me in a predicament. And what was I suppose to do then? "Listen." "Guys love to talk and it is rare so when they do, let them." Sure, but then I found myself listening to horrendous nonsense all the while wondering when it was my turn to talk and wondering if ever I'd be able to have a nonrestricted conversation with anyone. God says I can and I will. I can talk to Him about anything and I can't tell you how relieving that feels. The other thing is, if you ask for something, you shall receive. I'm asking for a partner who is a wonderful listener and who encourages me to talk. I have a really bad habit of drawing back, of only contributing my thoughts that I know will be appreciated or even reciprocated in a positive manner. I think that has its good points. However, thinking like that also has its drawbacks. Those are; I don't feel comfortable contributing brand new ideas, I don't like giving criticism even if I know it will be edifying- I don't like being the party-pooper and, in my own heart, the most painful reason is that when I deny my speech in the presence of a man, or anyone really, I minimize the importance of my thoughts, of my testimony, of my relationship with God, and lastly, it feels dishonest. I will walk away feeling like I have fooled the person, not intentionally, but out of my insecurities! It is a yucky feeling to have too because then fear sneaks in like this. "What happens when they find out I'm not really happy for them all the time? What if they finally come to the conclusion that I'm not as nice as they always tell me? What happens when they realize that I will stick up for myself as soon as I feel comfortable enough to tell them exactly how I feel?" I fear that I'm not good enough, I fear that I'm too serious, I fear that I'm not always religious enough or happy enough or funny enough or wise enough or organized, etc. What a vicious cycle! God doesn't believe any of that! He loves me just the way I am, but I can really beat myself up for things like that. That is why I know I need Him. I know when I'm praying He takes away the thoughts of self. I know that to Him I am good enough, so good in fact, that His only son would have died upon the cross for me alone, and then I feel so much better. I realize that I am precious and loved and I stop worrying about what the world has made me concerned with because in reality, not one of those insecurities above would matter if I were living my whole life with Christ as my head. Did I write that correctly? Did you read it right? I said, nothing I am worried about matters to Christ? Because I'm worried about the wrong things. I worry about those things, not because of how they reflect the kingdom of heaven, but because of how people will reflect on me! I'm strengthened and made whole in Christ, so as long as I keep walking with Him, people will be drawn to me. They will see the light as He has intended (think Thomas Kinkade now), but they might also have a different perception the longer they get to know me. He has created a being full of perseverance and faith, full of love and laughter, full of mercy and grace, but God knows, my life choices have not made me that way! I am only here because He saved me, I am only whole (or working on it) because He has allowed me this opportunity. My soul purpose is to be the canvas on which His work is reflected and from their the whole purpose of the work He has created is to reflect His infinite love and amazing ability. Sure, I'll be different from the photo on the wall next to me. I will be hanging in a hall full of Picasso's, Monet's, and other well known artists, but that never diminshes the beauty of all the photos that come before me or after me. In fact, one time when I was in England I was able to visit the National Gallery in London. It was huge and beautiful, and that was only the outside! In doors, to where I quickly ran due to the snowstorm we were in, was completely covered with works of art. I was in awe. I love staring at paintings because they make me think, they make me stop and wonder at their stories, all the detail that went into their creation. I see the artist standing over the canvas with painstaking attention to the colors, to the paints, to the creation and I am speechless. Even to the less abstract paintings, like fresh fruit in a bowl, I wondered how long it took to get everything just right and I wondered at the differences in painters. What is it to one who decided to sculpt while another picks up a brush and does a still life and yet to another who draws a picture so bizarre we stop and wonder if this is really art at all? Then I realized, we all do this. We all pick up our mediums and go about our business. We never stop to think if we are doing it right because we wouldn't be doing it at all if we didn't love what we were doing. That doesn't mean I don't dream of painting like Renoir or sculpting a Michelangelo, but that I am so happy when I know I am doing what I am called to do. When I am expressing His love through my gift, when what I'm doing has so little to do with me, but everything to do with what others will see, that's when I think I'm doing what I was called to do. In whatever form that may take throughout my life, through my days and even through the hours.
I'd like to end with the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Thursday, May 3, 2012
A Good Wife
Here's a new poem I wrote. It is VERY personal, but honest and beautiful in its simplicity. I am not bragging, but sharing because writing is something I love and maybe the intimacy can be inspiring to others, while probably horrifying to others. hah. such is this electronic life we live in.
A Good Wife
If God were my husband and I were his wife how would I live so we both felt it was right?
I stood there before Him with my arm raised up high and all of a sudden, I began to cry.
I wanted Him to tell me that He approved of my actions, that He knew that I loved Him,
but in actuality, it was my God who was asking, "But, do you really love me?"
"Of course I do," I adamantly protested. I've given up such and such to get this far,
In fact, I'm abstaining from marriage because I know you're supposed to be The One,
"The only problem is, you have no idea how that's done."
This was true. I was so unaware of the ways that I would love someone
especially a man who, in the physical, was mostly not there.
To love God meant giving my whole self, unselfishly,
whatever He needs, that is what I want to be doing.
I don't care what it costs or how it looks, what it means,
I want Him to see me, I like being seen.
God, I want to give all of myself to you
and I was honored that He would even want what little I had to give.
I kept asking, "Me? You want all of me? Of all of the people, what in me do you see?"
I get that I'm willing, but I'm so undeserving.
It is hard now in reflection to capture all I was feeling.
I needed Him, His strength and His joy,
to get me through that moment and the rest of my day.
Yet a part of me thought, why is He asking me to give all of this away?
I might never know the answer, why today of all days?
He asked would you be mine, would you only marry me?
I said yes, for those of you wondering,
because no matter what else, I want Him to have me.
To take care of me unconditionally, to support me when I feel weak,
to love me even as I'm changing. I want Him to know the heart behind my actions,
and the kindness of my intentions,
but mostly I love Him because even without the words to explain all of this to anyone else,
He knows how I'm feeling and He speaks right to my heart.
I'm not sure how it feels to be legally married,
what all that implies,
I suppose that it means, you split bills, you argue over children, you fight.
You make dinners and go out, you laugh til you cry.
I'm married to God now, so our marriage looks something like this,
I laugh and I cry and I think He's there with me.
I get scared to do something and He urges me to try.
He supports an increasingly thriving relationship between my family and I,
I pull away sometimes, when I want to do my own thing, even when it is bad for me!
He listens when I talk, or sing, but I also have to tell Him things.
I tell Him my wishes for the people and the world,
I try to learn and become a nicer girl.
He sees my efforts and that makes me undone
In His presence, I have the most fun.
I get embarrassed sometimes when He sees me being the silliest
and when it comes to apologizing, I still try to resist.
I'm still far from perfect, I worry He will think I'm not worth it.
I try too hard, mess up all too often,
I get it wrong, I get scared and I'm not all that confident.
Yet, still He loves me and I keep trying,
because all in all my life with Him has been so much better than anything.
I never have to be alone and I can rest when it is just He and I.
I'm loving our life together, my husband and I.
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