who would you be if you woke up in the morning with no recollection of your past? What about with minimal memories? I saw The Vow tonight and it made me wonder, who would I be if I woke up in the morning with a fresh start, no memories of pain, nothing holding me back in that way? Not a totally fair question since that would also mean erasing whatever has happened to me to make me the way I am, my interests, my desires, my drive. Which obviously begs the question, what are those things in my life? Shouldn't we all know? Probably. Do I at this point, not exactly.
So, define. Drives. What is it that I am passionate about, when I have kids what three things would I like them to list on their fingers when they describe me? I have a joy indisputable, shining so brightly I am strong enough to lighten their loads, ALWAYS. Secondly, that I love fiercely, Jesus, them, my life, my family, those in need. Thirdly, probably that I'm clean. I know that is incredibly boring, but order matters to me...just trying to keep it real. But in my love for them, whoever it might be, and through my joy I am still counting on faith to reveal the things I am passionate about that might sustain the deepest desires of my heart. For now, today, what is it that gets me through the days? Jesus. Praying morning and night and about 500 times in between there. His divine intervention through those I talk to, the music I listen to, and whatever book I'm reading. After that, I look forward to the small things (or amazing, in perspective). I love a bowl of oatmeal in the morning, I love knowing that I can come home and have a fresh sandwich with almost any ingredients I desire, I love that I can have a cup of coffee. I love my mom, I love that I can literally see our relationship flourishing day by day. I can see my life stretching out like a flowing river and it feels amazing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to be in the sun. I love seeing a movie with my Grandma and being surprised (pleasantly) with our conversations that follow. People, in general, amaze me. They are so clever and I get so much enjoyment out of them. Sometimes I feel convicted because I'm not that clever, I'm maybe not as nice or thoughtful or brave or quick or thin or nice or smart or well-dressed or busy (!!!), but Dear God thank you for making me enough for you and thank you that I get to appreciate all of these qualities in others. Thank you that I am learning to love everything special and unique in others. I would love to learn my area of strengths so that I might embrace them. I mean, I know I'm loved God, so that I am, is enough. I'm thankful for that.
Portrait:
I enjoy trying new things.
I like learning new things about people.
I LOVE stories.
I am sensitive.
I love the sun.
Music is a huge part of my life.
When I was younger, we would go to this country line dancing place, so I love the beats in country. I love the honesty of the lyrics that reminds me of the lives I saw going on around me as a child. Love, drinking, family, religion and good times.
As I got older, rap and r&b came into my life. The honesty and pain in the lyrics coincided with how I felt a lot of the time. Wanting to stand out, wanting to be more than what your situation typically produced. I wanted some of that fame and glory to, I wanted an escape from what I felt was quickly closing in around me and rap represented those people who had made that happen for themselves, by rapping about nothing other than themselves and their struggles. Plus, I began dancing to that music, thought it was the only was I could dance without training. FALSE. I can't even dance that well to hip-hop, plus it really does mimic sex and that isn't really that fun when you are trying not to have sex on your mind...
So, that brings me to the season of worship music. There's a little bit of country in there for the nostalgia and the strength over my exes. I can't listen to some music for the ties in my memory, painful ones that bring a lot of shame, although some are accompanied by victory over that particularly bad moment in my life. Gospel music has a way of lifting my spirits, back to God's good grace, but every once I need to mix it up a little or I feel like a tiny bit of me dies inside. They start saying the same thing and I feel a little less special every time. Why is it important that I feel different, unique, unusual? That is just how I describe myself. I feel out when others are in, but usually, I like it. I miss when I can't write because then I feel like I can't express myself, a little of the same feeling. I'm not so great with talking, but I'm trying to get better. I still like to be able to get on the computer and produce something.
Anyway, I got off topic. I was talking about who I am. Wow. Pretty egocentric, but for some reason, I feel like it would help if I wasn't so confused about what I want, I feel like then I'd know a little more of who I am. At one point in my life, I felt like I knew, maybe it was when I felt like I knew everything? Now, now I'm just trying to keep it all together and praying. Praying is good, I know and I think God is revealing his plan to me step by step.
I want people to be able to rely on me.
I don't have much self-control.
Thankfully God helps me with this. I can pray and he usually comes through and changes me when I most need it. Every bad habit I have I would not have been able to stop without his intervention. His miracles, really. Thank you God for showing me the beauty and wonder of life almost every where I turn.
So, my life is God's. His will, I can only hope at this point will be my own. His love I can only hope to grasp. Maybe that can be more than enough for now. As it is, I am so far away from where I was just a few months ago. I'm diving in though, putting on the honor with pride like I once did with a high school uniform. I like that metaphor. I didn't know what it meant to be a cheerleader then, I only knew what I had heard (the stereotypes). That didn't alter who I was, and I made my way as Jenn/ Jennifer in an unfamiliar territory without losing or gaining anything. How much more do I have now to benefit by fully trusting God and letting Him change my life? I trust you, God, to make in me a new heart, a new life, where you are the Head and I am able to follow you. I'll still be me and I still need to make plans. Like my sister said, I won't miss You. I won't miss God, so I want to get out there and live now. God please be with me and correct me when I need to be corrected. Jesus, thank you for the salvation you've given me, so that conviction can be far from me. Holy Spirit, please give me the ability to decide quickly which path holds righteousness and which words to say to bring the glory back to God. Amen.
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