If you're like me..

If you're like me than you have been bordering on depression for the last two years. It isn't clinical depression and I probably don't need to be on twenty-four hour supervision. I call my symptoms as I see them: first, it seems I sometimes have a bad case of ungreatfulness. Sure, that meal was great and a majority of people around the world are starving to death or living on TWO (really picture this) TWO food staples all year long (meaning, rice and fish, breakfast, lunch and dinner). Yet, my meal had "Too many preservatives!" And then there is the self-loathing stage. This one is multi-layered. See, we live in a two-dimensional world. One that infiltrates us with images of beautiful people and fashion and money, yet my neighbors wear sizes 18s and 20s and are "hard-working Americans." We are taught to be slim and quick-witted, not caring and humble. Which leads me to the next problem, are we all really okay with the inhumane treatment of cows, chickens and pigs that is happening on farms and in coops around the United States. Granted, I have never been to one of these institutions, but I either believe them or I start suspecting that a conspiracy theory was invented to create unrest among the citizens in hopes of finally causing a revolution to thwart the corrupt capitalist society in which we live.
I'm not unusual in most other things, that's why I'm asking, am I alone? If not, what am I supposed to do in order to live with myself better? I see all the cars going down the freeway and part of me wants one. Part of me says, "Hey! I want the top down in my own jeep!" And then another part of myself repels in sadness? Anger? First of all, I can't afford any car I want thanks to my pile of student loans that has so far gotten me no where in life, but I also have been warned for years about the effects of pollution. Do I really need to feel bad about not being able to avoid public warnings? I look around and see "everyone else driving," but I'm not one for social norms. I just don't understand how to live in this grey world. So little things are black and white, and I should probably be thankful that they aren't... I don't always want my water expenditure calculated because sometimes I do let my showers flow on and on and I have, lately, been using a fair amount of electricity, I'm just wondering if I am the only who is sick from over-looking the messages of animal cruelty, the lack of compassion for LIVING creatures, for convenience's sake and maximum financial output? I'm looking for a solution, much like the author of Omnivore's Dilemma was. He went around hunting a boar and picking minerals off of deposit sites in the San Francisco Bay, all to produce his own meal. Although that would certainly put my mind at ease as far as disregarding a superficial lifestyle, I need a job and I wouldn't be able to sustain those eating habits. Nor, do I want to. Sometimes I want to go to the local restaurant and get an "authentic" burrito. I also want to know that the chicken I'm eating wasn't tortured for it's short, miserable existence.

All in all, I enjoyed the book. Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.

Muses. (Closer to home than previously thought).

You gave me hope tonight
I don't know if you know it.
You had no need to do it
yet your gentle words and the surety of your voice
were like the hand that wipes away my tears
and the run that reminds me of my absence of years.

I remember who you are and I know who you are supposed to be.
That is the problem with suppositions,
they leave little room for actual knowing.

The truth is I know little of who you are,
but I'd like to learn it, I'd like to listen.
You invited me into your heart so many times and I couldn't understand.

I have another chance now, at least I think I do,
and my only hope is to be able to show you how beautiful you are.
I don't want to be demeaning and it isn't that you give me a reason
I just want you to know it, it is the only gift I can give,
to give you a reflection of all your beauty within.

I hear it.

I hear this voice inside myself telling me I'm not dead yet.
To back it up, he gives me proof.
It is the touch of her head on my arm at night.
She knocked gently, said she didn't want to cry.
I said alright.
We laid that way for a little while and then laughed so hard I thought I felt myself,
the old me, coming back?


I don't look back anymore, the pillar of salt thing,
instead I want to be a Sarah, I want to laugh at the Good news,
even if He has to slightly reprimand me.
I'm lying to myself if I say my memory fails me, but I'm getting better at forgiving.
Forgiving another has never felt better.
Forgive another the way I want Him to forgive me, completely. Sure.
How else would I want it to be?

Everything I feared has gone away, I'd actually love to hear what the old me had to say.
Was I scared? Was I hurt? Well, yeah. Did I waste time? Yea. Will everything I've been through come back to complete me. I think so.

God, only you know the strength within.
Only you know the me I was meant to be
You have changed my life so completely.
Oddly, I'm once more like the old me.
This is the way I think I was meant to be.
To keep going, to believe that once before you held me.
To believe that I will only succeed, all the while getting to know you better too.
Can it really be? Can I really be so lucky?

This sucks.

Who were you to stop my dreams?
Who was I to let you?
It all got so confusing,
I was listening to my heart,
but not counting on the unpredictable.

Everyone has something to say
and everyone knows best
I thought I was smart to listen
I've never done everything they've done.
I lost myself that way
and now I have to pay.

I felt guilty for not adhering
I feel worse for not following through
the problem is,
I'm still confused without you.

Book Club

There is this part of me that will never give up hope of being a part of or starting my own book club. I love reading, I want to discuss books with others, so it seems like the best. Then again, I like to savor my own ideas. Nah, I'd like to share them. I think it would be a good way to connect. Maybe I'll start my own? We could meet at a local Starbucks or park?? Just planning!

This was brought on because I finished We All Fall Down by Nic Sheff today. It was written the way we might understand the author would be speaking, with all of the "uh's and fuck off's." It wasn't all poetic and descriptive, but it was breath-catching. It was real and I found myself crying, or close to tears, durign the last ten or so chapters of the book. It was relatable and I loved it and I thank God for the opportunity of stumbling on it. Anyways, whatever comes from it, I'm thankful he shared his story because it meant a lot to me.

Today is the first time I will post in the year 2012! Very strange, considering many people believed and/or believe this will be the last year of our existence. I don't know about all of that. I'm just trying to live for any amount of time I have left. I haven't been doing very much over the last few weeks. I finished school, moved home, spent Christmas and New Year's with my family and now... well, now I'm bored. I'm trying to figure out what exactly should be my next move, but I'm not there yet. I know I need a job. I need a car of my own and eventually a place of my own. Is it so bad that  I am happy where I am right now though? My life is great and I just want to take it step by step. I can't even apply for CSUSB Credential program for a few months. I need to study for the CBEST so I can hopefully start substitute teaching. I'm going to church, I'm writing a little bit, I'm being a part of my family, I'm learning to live in this life style for a bit before I go rushing off on anymore adventures. Thank God that that all feels okay for now. I can't wait to see the next stages though!

I guess that's all for now, better go walk the dog before she goes stir-crazy. I'll write soon, maybe after my next book. This cyber world of anonymity and disillusion can become my audience until I come up with a different solution.

Here's to a blessed day! ~Jenn

It is a good morning, isn't it?

That reminds me of an activity I did when I was in Italy this summer. If you put different emphases on the ending, I could be asking two different questions up there. I like them both.

Well, my semester is winding down to a close. I need to finish a paper and continue studying for an exam and then I'll be done. I'm still deciding on how and when I'll leave. I need to get my statements of purposes revised and lengthened and then submitted to two of my professors. I want to complete those grad school applications to the best of my ability before I head out. Not to mention the packing that needs to be completed. What a whirlwind. But an absolutely good one.

I'm looking for a job, this time as a college graduate!!! Who would've expected this level of excitement? I didn't. I'm nervous, too. Going home will be brilliant. I enjoyed talking to my professor the other day because he correctly identified how it feels, there is grief yet triumph. I liked that guy :) (in a total, he is a Dad figure kinda way).

I'm so blessed and thankful and I know my life will be great. It is a beautiful day, so I'm just gonna concentrate on that for awhile.

Life Changes

I sometimes forget that the life I'm living is my own. I get so caught up in what I should be doing or what others are doing, I forget that that time translates into things I am actively doing: worrying, worrying and oh yeah, more worrying with the occasional mix or sporadic activity.
Well, today is the day for cataloguing my things. I woke up, ate a chocolate croissant with my wonderful roommate. She's spent some time abroad so we usually have lots to talk about, even though on paper we are completely different (when I like country music, she likes alternative, I believe in God, I'm pretty sure she's an atheist, I'm from the South and she's... you get the idea). After breakfast and a cup or two of coffee, I headed out to take the GRE. It is an exam needed in order to get in to grad school. As I'm applying to a few schools for the Fall semester, I had to sign up quickly for the exam and I tried to study as much as possible over the last couple of weeks. This has been a little hard on me because the timing coincided terribly with finals in my last semester at SSU, along with preparation to move out of this place and back home. I'm the first to admit that I'm rather slow at catching  on to transitions, so I'm trying to let it all sink in. Every where I go, I take note that this will probably be my last time in this place or that. I'm surprisingly okay with that, though. Hey, I might be back to visit. One of my best friends is here. She isn't the type of person I go running to with every detail, but let's face it, I don't have many of those people. That's kind of a weird fact. I have friends and family who I love dearly, but none of them are intimate. I've had some hard times adjusting to this over the past few months because up until now I was used to having at least one person who knew my every mood, all the good and bad and all that accompanies that. About Holly though, she is the kind of person I can talk to about any relevant topic on my mind, sometimes having more to add than I do and sometimes a great listener. She's a great person to be around and I'm really going to miss her.
We had lunch today, after the exam and we got to talking about future plans. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm moving home. I know I'm lucky to have that option. I'm between jobs and trying to figure out what it is that I would like to do. I think the first order of business is to get some experience, maybe a car? Anyway, my life is kind of in limbo until (fingers crossed I get accepted) I get into grad school. That would determine what I'll be doing from Fall on out for a couple of years at least. Until then, I'm just going to try to find something I love. I think being surrounded by people who love me is a great way of finding that. I'll  miss my independence for a bit though. I treasure the moments when loneliness is just a word and I'm able to get along with my thoughts and the music is on and the drawing of night isn't something to fear. I'll miss being up here, too. I've spent my adult life surrounded by redwoods and Bodega Bay. I've spent my time making memories on the walking paths and I know every single local Starbucks. It's going to be weird going home, seeing people I went to high school and potentially running into them or their family members, even. I just pray God takes me from here to there and everywhere else on this Earth because with Him, my last semester of college has been better than any other and I can only believe that this will continue.
So, finally, I'm graduating this week. If I can get through school this week, doing just two essays and two exams, I'll be done. I'm totally refelecting here, but I can't believe I'm the same eighteen year old girl that left high school imaging the day I would graduate college. I couldn't picture it back then, I was so bright eyed. I didn't even relate college to the same experience as I've had now. I wanted to learn, sure, but I wanted to express myself, I had a whole new opportunity in such a brand new atmosphere. Now, I'm glad to be leaving the experience behind. I'm changed, sure. More experienced, stronger, but in a way I'm still naive. What does the world have for me now? I know it is up to me to explore and figure it out and I can't wait. Like I said, I'm blessed. I'm blessed to have a mother who understands that I need to be independent and I want to feel like I'm making a decision because it is the right one for me, not because I should or because most people do. This doesn't mean I'm right, most of the time I haven't been, but I'm trying to listen to others now and I'm learning to not listen to just any old voice. Sometimes the ones I want to hear aren't the ones that are the best for me, and I know that. Part of me wishes I could figure it out right now, that I knew my next step and that I was excited to take it, but I don't and I have to be okay with that for now. It'll work itself out and I won't stay stagnant until then.
So, to anyone who feels what I'm saying, I wish you the best and I'll pray for patience for myself until the right timing comes along. I'll pray for wisdom to find the "right" thing or the knowledge to know when I need to make a change and the strength to continue following God's path for me, in other words, to continue asking for help and seeking the guidance that I know is right. Clearly, there is a lot going on and that is one thing to be excited about. I like being busy :) (I should probably be careful what I wish for, right?) hah, well, good night everybody.